People Skills

Today I met up with a 48 year old from

http://www.plentoffish.com

It was originally supposed to take place last night but I had, at the last minute,in the eleventh hour, somehow , gotten a job. A job doing part time security at David’s Bridal Shower. More on this later.

Usually I’m willing to make the trip to another city to meet a potential conquest. This time however , something felt different. I actually had butterflies in the pit of my stomach. Maybe this woman could be the one! But the most likely scenario was that , other than text and email, I had no other communication with the chick.

She text me upon arrival at a generic version of Starbucks,called “The Bean”. I text her back to tell her I was on the way. I arrived , she was sitting at a table out front. I joined her. Our eyes locked. My heart raced. My hands shook. The planet shifted, I felt the painful thud of Cupid’s arrow penetrate my right, upper buttock.

No, really I just knew this was a huge mistake and wanted to escape. But I was there and it was too late. Time to make the best out of a horrific situation.
She had brown spots of decay on her teeth. Freckled skin. An old , haggard face. The butterflies in my stomach worked there way up to my lungs and impaired my breathing. I had to take a moment to take some deep breaths.

She brought her dog with her. Its name was Princes. She didn’t tell me that but I assumed it because it was written in pink spray paint along side her ribcage. The dog’s ribcage, not hers. I wanted to leave and thus began the negs.

Mchenry: So I assume your freaked out by technology. Cell phones, computers, Its COMPLETE MADNESS ISN’T IT?

Decay girl:No I use them quite often.

Mchenry: Yeah but cars, ya know, thats quite the change from riding a horse to get from place to place AM I Right?

Decay girl: How old did you say you were?   37?

mchenry: Wow I look that old?

Decay girl: you look more like 24.

Mchenry: I’m neither actually, I’m 28

Decay girl: Your profile said 32.

Mchenry: I lied.

Decay girl: Thats deceiving! I don’t like liars.

Mchenry: well, If you met someone on pof and their profile picture showed a bright white, radiant smile, and then you met them and they had spots of brown decay on them, would you call that person a liar?

Decay girl: No, Its still them. Maybe SOME people would.

Mchenry: People like me would.

I don’t think she had a clue I was talking about her specifically.

At this point in the conversation she began bragging about her daughter. EVERYONE has the smartest , most beautiful, most interesting daughter in the world. That’s why I hate talking to parents.

Decay girl: My daughter is 20,lives with her boyfriend and in college!

Mchenry: They’ll break up. She’ll crap out 3 kids, he’ll get bored of the sex, eventually he’ll have to hang glide into her vagina and even THAT will get boring.

Decay girl: That won’t happen, she’s a smart girl!

Mchenry: Being smart has nothing to do with it. Does she have the ability to look into the future? It’ll happen. You’ll see. Every 20 year old think that they’ll beat the odds. That they’ll MAKE IT! They blast “You’re still the one” by Shania Twain on their CD player while they shade there selves from the sun by wearing their rose colored glasses.

Decay girl: So you have a Master’s degree?

Mchenry: NO, I lied about that too. I am LIAR. OUTRAGEOUS!   BLASPHEMY!

Decaygirl: I don’t think I feel a connection here.

Mchenry: Cool, be back in a minute!

I went inside to use the restroom, hopefully, giving her ample time to make an escape. I took a leak and carefully peaked out the front door.

D A M N she was still seated at the table. Plan B. I ESCAPE! I pushed open the door and ran full speed to my car. I peeled out of the parking lot running over a concrete block in the process.

10 MINUTES LATER

I received a text from Decay girl: Good luck Mchenry but I got to go.

I replied: You must have missed me running to my car. I left a while ago.

REMEMBER MY PART TIME JOB???

I received a call from the supervisor who informed me of my termination with the company. He forwarded me the email he was sent from the manager of David’s Bridal. Here are their list of complaints, for your viewing pleasure:

Our new security guard started yesterday. Here are my concerns:

* He had masking tape on his shirt to cover another security companies name
* Customer car broken into right in front of our store, he didn’t even see it
* Did not know who to call about break in/ CSR made the call to report
* Did not walk out any associates leaving building or customers
* Spent time texting while sitting in his chair with back to front window
* Kept trying to engage in conversation with staff while they were cleaning up to close

I truly believe that our guard should exhibit the same professionalism that we expect from our associates. Dress code, conduct etc.
There was no value or sense of security in having this young man here last night.

I also got a call from “Cocaine Addict”

[ Friend from previous adventures who I met in an E.M.T class. He’s addicted to cocaine, hence the name Cocaine Addict]

who met with the EMT company that interviewed me and gave me a ride along. The reason I didn’t get the job? I lack the people skills required for the position. SO they say. However , they DID offer the job to “cocaine addict”.

You’ll be in good hands Northern California.

And maybe he was correct in his opinion of me. I very well lack people skills. And if I can’t cut it as a run of the mill E.M.T. I can’t very well spend 2 years in paramedic school.

[ which I planned to attend]

And so I’m back to square one. I don’t honestly know where to go from here. But I won’t stop believing…

In Butt Sex.

Friends With Benefits

While shaving my nut sack,in preparation for Mobile home girl to play tongue fu with my bunghole, I felt what could only be described as a hard mass/lump/tube/maybe it was nothing at all , but I was alarmed. I am unemployed as you know [or don’t know]  and that means no health insurance. I couldn’t find a free clinic to check me for testicular cancer and despite planned parenthood’s website stating that they provide the service, the few in my area disputed that claim.

SO I did what any reasonable person WOULD do, I browsed online dating profiles looking for anyone with “medical field” or “health care” as their profession so I could email them asking for their services. Most didn’t respond back. Some did, but thought I was asking them to fulfill a strange sexual fetish. I did however find a willing participant, an E.R. nurse,and I met her at Starbucks.

I greeted her in the parking lot and followed her inside.

She bought a flavored coffee or some s h i t and asked me if I wanted something.

Nurse girl: Are you gonna get something?

Mchenry: If your paying for it.

Nurse girl:OK, I’m not cheap.

Mchenry:  Well, your quite the gentleman. I’ll have a regular coffee.

Nurse girl: What! get something good!

Mchenry:  Nah, I don’t wanna intake too many calories.

Starbucks employee: how bout I give you two shots of a vanilla latte in water and you can put some cream in it. If ya don’t like it I’ll give ya a regular coffee

Mchenry:  Sure.

AFTER TWO SIPS

Mchenry: I don’t quite DIG THIS.
Starbucks employee: ok ill get you a coffee

Mchenry:  Splendid

I sat at a table facing Nurse girl.

Mchenry: OK, so are you going to do what you promised to do?

Nurse girl:  Not in here!

Mchenry:  Let’s go out to my car. I’ll park in an isolated spot. We’ll buy gloves at Railey’s. You won’t even have to look as you fondle me.

At this point I mimed the fondling of a nut sack while turning away as not to look as the previously mentioned sack.

Nurse girl: I cant do that here. Maybe my friends house though,I’ll ask her later.

MchenryCruiser: Would it help if you got to know me?

Nurse girl:  Yeah probably.

Mchenry:  You know what I wanna do? I wanna go to a club and dance but I want the club to play house music and have …uummmm flashing lights!  Ya know, like the lights blink on and off , pitch black ,light, pitch black light,know what I mean?

Nurse girl: I think so.

Mchenry: Like I want it to make me feel like I’m in slow motion. Like ya know, what weed makes you feel like ,although I’ve never smoked weed but You can imagine what that would feel like, yes? Dancing, weed, lights on,lights off, booze, GOOD TIMES ,YES?

Nurse girl: Maybe I shouldn’t do it. I can’t diagnose you.

Mchenry:I am not looking for a diagnoses. Just feel my [motion downward] and tell me if something is there  that shouldn’t be there. Thats it.

Nurse girl:  Lemme talk to my friend and I’ll text you later and maybe we can do it at her house.

mchenry:  Are you just saying that because you know you’ll never have to see me again and thus not have to feel my [motion downward gesture]

Nurse girl:no, If I wasn’t going to do it ,I’d say that.

Mchenry: OK , I’ll take you at your word.

We parted ways. My testicles have yet to be fondled by the touch of a gloved hand. And so I carry on. Possibly suffering from testicular cancer. Maybe It’ll be amputated , bagged ,and disposed of in a medical waste container.

But with one remaining love nugget ,I will continue to slay the hood rats……

Until the other succumbs to the cancer and I become nut less. And then once nut less, I will transform my wang into a vagina. Put on lip stick and a dress,

And nose dive into the crotch of a horny lesbian.

The Case Study

Last time “My Picking Up Chicks blog”

Mchenrycruiser, after driving home from his B.J. in the park adventure, had known that he’d never see Mobile home girl again. However Mchenry  was still facing a financial crisis and text Mobile home girl, to ask if McDonald’s was hiring.[She works there]

She gave Mchenry the 411 then proceeded to ask him to hang out. He said he would ,but only if she’d

“Bury her face, ears deep in his a s s h o l e.”

She agreed to do so. But as the time neared , She backed out, stating that

“She had morals and didn’t know Mchenry well enough to do something like that”.

And so Mchenry set out on a mission to determine if what women SAY they’ll do, and what they’ll ACTUALLY do ,are one and the same.

I now present to you:The Case Study

Due to the high protein diet I’ve been on the past few weeks, I knew that my current situation was going to present quite the challenge. That, Plus I was ripping ass all day. I showered and scrubbed my tight yet firm buttocks [due to many years of deep ,ass to the floor squats in the gymnasium] with a variety of soaps and body washes.

I picked out all the dingle berries, and anally probed myself with a Mach 3 razor. It felt as if I was being raped by a hammerhead shark.

Afterwards, I  wedged my fingers between the cheeks and smelled them. If the scent of ass still lingered, I would rinse and repeat.[Like Shampoo] Once odor free, I wiped myself with a paper towel to check for anal leakage. Then I carefully brushed my ass with a water color paintbrush to extract any toilet paper shards that could obstruct Mobile Home Girl’s airway.

All systems were ready for launch. I then made the 10 mile journey east and arrived at a trailer park , deep in an orchard and several minutes away from civilization. She met me outside,gave me a brief hug before I followed her inside. We sat on the couch next to her daughter’s laptop computer. The couch faced a giant mirror that rested on the opposite side of the mobile home.

Mchenrycruiser: GOOD GOD, you are a sexy BEAST!!

Mobile home girl: LOL thanks,well I did try to dress nice

Mchenrycruiser: NO sorry, I was just admiring my reflection, but your not too shabby yourself.

Cheerful at first, mobile home girl’s demeanor turned serious as she grilled me with a series of questions meant to determine what my feelings for her were.

Mobile home girl: You know what we talked about earlier. I just want you to know that I’m not a slut. I am not easy. I have only been with 4 men in my life. SO if you think your just gonna come over here for sex all the time, it ain’t happening. I just want you to know that.

Mchenry: ummm ok.

Mobile home girl: So do you see THIS going anywhere? I am looking for a relationship eventually. But I want it to go slow. I am just getting out of a divorce and I am not use to the whole dating thing ya know.

Mchenry:ummm ok

She rambled on for another few minutes about feelings and about complained that I didn’t listen to her needs, But I wasn’t really paying attention. I was busy contemplating making a move, of a sexual nature.

Mchenry:  Burrrr its cold, provide me warmth with your body heat.

We shared an embrace. It was the perfect merging of 2 bodies coming together and becoming one undistinguishable being.

Then I slid my hand down the back of her panties and grabbed her bare naked a$$. As we made out , I noticed the taste on cough medicine on her tongue. I made a mental note to visit her AGAIN if I developed a cough. [economic crisis]

Our meeting was disrupted by her deaf and blind dog who barked in the general vicinity of our make out session for no apparent reason. She had two other ankle biter dogs who DID have a reason to bark.

Because I was moments away from using the position that THEY made famous and slay their hood rat master once and for all. And then I ripped silent ass. Damn. I had to think quick and make a change of venue before she detected the odor.

Mchenry:  Your dogs are CRAZY! Lets go to your bedroom.

Mobile home girl: ok

Once in her room, I began tossing clothes that were on her bed, onto the floor below.
We began fooling around again. I disrobed her. She was fully nude.

Mchenry: Hold on, I’ve got a condom in my pocket.

Mobile home girl: Oh so you came prepared huh?

As I fumbled with the condom, I chuckled to myself about the speech she gave me, literally, 10 minutes earlier. She said she wasn’t “like that”

Take note gentlemen: They never are, if you ASK them.

Don’t ASK, Don’t tell, just DO.

Mchenry: Guide me in.

She injected herself with my wang. I pounded her like a jack hammer. I grabbed handfuls of her hair and used them like make shift handle bars. After 6-7 minutes, I had her get on top.

Mobile home girl: You like it baby? your so f u c k i n g hot. I want your c o c k inside me

Hmmm, I thought, it IS inside her. This could very well turn awkward.

Mobile home girl: your c o c k feels so good

Maybe her vagina had a 5 second delay like the Grammy Awards.

Mobile home girl: What do you want me to do?

Oh yeah slut, Its case study time. I’m not an asshole. This was science.

Mchenrycruiser: I want you to lick me

Mobile home girl: where at?

Mchenrycruiser: My ass.

Mobile home girl: Well I did promise you didn’t I. Turn around and lay on your stomach.

I did as I was told.  She placed one hand on each cheek, spread them and licked the crack of my a$$.

Mobile Home girl: You like that baby?

Mchnery: Yeah.

She slapped my ass and ran a finger along the inside of the cheeks.

Pressure + my ass= BOOM, METHANE EVERYWHERE.

I flipped over onto my back and ripped silent a$$. If she detected the odor this time, she was being a sport about it. She began to give me oral stimulation.

Mchenry: hahahahahahahahaha don’t stay on the tip.

It tickled, unlike last time, I couldn’t hold it in. She tried and failed several times to do it right but each time was met with the sound of my laughter.

Mobile home girl: I suck at this.

Mchenrycruiser: I am gonna cum on your face.

I straddled her stomach. She put a hand in front of her face to shield herself from the main course at the “Dangling Diner” I pushed her hand away and beat off with great vengeance and furious anger. She turned her face to the side to lessen the impact.

BOOM PROTEIN EVERYWHERE!!

80% of my man batter collided with the right side of her face. The remaining 20 % either landed on her boobies or wound up there when I wiped my wang across her chest to clean up.

Mchenry: So did you like that?

Mobile home girl: It was, Interesting.

She excused herself to go take a shower. My eyes darted across the room as I scanned the area for my clothing. I tried to dress quickly, so , as standard protocol advises, I could escape before she finished the shower. Her bedroom door didn’t have a lock. Midway through getting dressed, Molly the blind deaf dog burst through the door and began to bark.

She was followed in by the other 2 , who jumped onto the bed and barked at me. Which caused
Mobile Home Girl’s shower to end prematurely.

D A M N.

She same out of the bathroom and shooed the dogs out of the room. She chatted some more while I prayed that the end would soon be near.

She received a text message from her daughter  who was on the way home from baby sitting a friends son. I used this as an excuse to make my grand exit from the trailer park.

We hugged good bye and I drove away, cursing myself over my lack of control. I went there to have a woman bury her face ears deep in my asshole  . That DID happen. But I also ended up  balls deep in her vagina. That WASN’T supposed to happen.

But as the old saying goes, “Nothing ever goes according to plan.”

Life hasn’t gone according to plan.

And either way , I wonder sometimes about the outcome of my still verdict-less life.

Mchenrycruiser: The Hood Rat Slayer

As you may recall, I spent a good few days on

http://www.plentyoffish.com

Searching for an obese, socially retarded whale to support me during the economic crisis. I settled for a 40 year old divorcee With two teenage children who live in a mobile home park.

I did the standard, email first , then Instant message ,followed by attaining her number,calling her and setting up a meeting at Starbucks. I did try to get her to give me a tour of the mobile home because “I’ve never seen one before” but her kids vetoed the idea.

Quick note to the tards: When I use quotation marks, it means I’m lying to gain entry into their bedroom. Or I’m referring to something of a sexual nature.

Once I arrived at Starbucks and and saw how packed it was, I knew I had to resort to plan B,which wasn’t so much a plan as it was “Ive got to find somewhere with no people So I can stick my wang in her mouth” A mouth is a hole. Holes, I stick my wang in them. It started at 12 when I first learned of the life changing experience that is ,Beating Off.

Quick note to the tards: When I say “Wang” ,I mean ” Penis”

I was watching “Beavis And Butt-Head” at the time but I can assure you that there was no correlation. Unlike the time when I beat off to the image of Taylor Hansen [lead singer of 90’s Pop sensation Hansen] , before I knew he was a dude. If their was a hole in my house or the general proximity, my wang has been there.

Couch cushions, toilet paper rolls, The wood pecker hole in the center of a big oak tree in the backyard. No holes were safe. The night my family went bowling and my dad stuck his fingers in the holes as he always did before hurling a gutter ball, well , thats when I learned about the birds and the bees. Only in his version, the bee’s stinger was a penis and he used that penis to have inter- species sex with that bird.

In England, They refer to women as birds

IN MY blog , I refer to women as chicks

But they are similar because they both have wings

And women wear those “wings” for one week out of the month. That time frame is call their period, which is what this rant will end with.

She arrived 5 minutes after me and I greeted her with a hug. She peered into my tsunami blue eyes. It was their that I KNEW that my wang was about to be moistened with a non vaginal substance. She had only been divorced for a few months and was married 18 years. She hadn’t been with another man in over 2 decades. If there is such a thing as pity d i c k , she was about to receive it ,along with its contents.

mchenry:  Look how packed this place is, its CRAZY!

mobile home girl: I know ,it gets pretty busy

mchenry: let’s go somewhere more private

mobile home girl: OK theres a park across the street. Wanna go there?

mchenry: Sure!

So with that, we walked back to my car. I opened the door for her, which marked the first gentleman like act Ive ever done for a person. But like the good servant ,I felt it was important to show manners. Because the proper seating of my customers , always takes place right before I blast them in the face with an order from the “Dangling Diner”. If there was such a place, Id like very much to be employed there. But Id never eat the food.

I escorted her to the parking lot of the park. I shut off the engine and radio so that we were now in complete darkness. I then charmed her with witty banter.

Mchenry: So where do you work?

Mobile Home Girl: I work at Mcdonalds.

Mchenry: Ha ha no seriously.

Mobile Home Girl: I work at McDonalds!

Mchenry: Oh well, at least you HAVE a job.

Mobile Home Girl: What’s wrong with my job??!!

Mchenry: Nothing, I’m just giving you a hard time [awkward chuckle]

Mchenry: Buurrrrrr its getting cold.

I wrapped my arm around her body and pulled her towards me. She didn’t resist. I began to rub her legs and ass. She didn’t resist. I slid my hand down the back of her panties. She didn’t resist. Either she was a slut ,or after 20 years ,she just needed some d i c k with that New car smell.

I placed my hand on her chin and lifted her head upward. Her eyes met mine. I went in for the kiss. She got better as it progressed. Its just like riding a bike. If that bike tasted like cigarettes. And if that bike tasted like cigarettes, I’d stop licking it.

I placed her hand on my wang. She resisted THAT ,at first. So I kissed her a few minutes more,then I tried again. This time she rubbed it. So I struggled with my belt to unleash it. She heard the noise,especially the sound of the zipper moving downward. She KNEW it was coming. She was about to be face to face with the beast known as CockZilla: The Lady Thrilla.

I unleashed the fury of my wang and placed her hand on it again. She stroked it as I kissed her neck. I grabbed a handful of her hair and forced her head downward. She gasp “OH YOU WANT ME TO SUCK IT” Then that she did. My wang had blown the dust off that mouth of hers as it came out of retirement to return to the league.

Mchenry: Suck on my balls!

Mobile Home Girl: oh you like that?!

Mchenry: ya!

She sucked on my balls. Normally when I demand the sucking of my balls, the girl will reply with ,”How am I supposed to do that” and I’ll say “One at a time”. They’ll do it for literally 30 seconds then say “Does this really DO ANYTHING for you?”

However this older chick really took to suckling my testicles. Then she went back to sucking my shaft. I stuck my hand down the back of her panties and placed a finger in the crack of her ass. Usually when I do that Ill be greeted with slivers of toilet paper but this chick was clean.

She focused a bit much on the head which made me wanna laugh. I bit down on my hand. But it was too much and I began to moan in an attempt to disguise my laughter. But she took that as a sign that I loved what she was doing and focused even more on the head.

Mchenry: ohohohohoh ohohohohoh suck my balls. MY FUCK IN BALLS. SUCK THEM.

she moved downward to the balls and I was able to compose myself.

Mobile Home Girl: Oh you like that baby? You gonna c u m for me huh?

She was talking dirty. And that was HOT.

She stroked my with her hand and mouth at the same time.

Mchenry:FASTER

She chuckled the kind of chuckle that indicated that she KNEW i was about to blast her in the face. She turned  up the power to warp speed.

Mchenry: Oh god I’m gonna cum

BOOM PROTEIN EVERYWHERE.

She removed her mouth from the wrath of my wang. I wasn’t expecting THAT. I erupted like a volcano all over the interior of my car. Bucket loads of wang juice covered my semi nude body.

Mobile Home Girl:  Wow THAT was a good one!!!

Mchenry: Yuck. Hand me the tissues on the back seat.

I cleaned my shaft and balls and she watched in delight of the sight [unintentional rhyme] I rolled down my window to throw the tissues out onto the pavement.

Mobile Home Girl:  Don’t do that lol I think we can find a trash can.

Mchenry: The WORLD is my trash can.

I pulled my pants up and buttoned them. I wanted to leave. She wanted to cuddle. D A M N. So thats what we did. For like 20 minutes.

Mobile Home Girl: don’t worry,you’ll meet my kids soon enough.

Oh no, I thought, WHAT DID I DO??

Mchenry: Ummm cool?

Mobile Home Girl: I guess you can come home with me if you want.

Mchenry: What about your kids?

Mobile Home Girl: They’ll have to understand that I want to get to know someone.

Mchenry: Ahh I see, well its way past my bed time.

Mobile Home Girl: are you gonna see me again??

Mchenry: Of course

Mobilehomegirl: this is the first time Ive siled in a long time.

Oh Know, WHAT DID I DO!

Mobile Home Girl:  Your good lookin!

Mchenry:   Thank you

At least she didn’t say I looked weird.

Then I drove her back to the parking lot of Starbucks. We cuddled some more. She wanted to kiss me. I knew that. I also knew that I didn’t want the taste of wang juice to invade my taste buds. But it had been awhile so I figured the saliva must have washed it away by this point. I kissed her again and we said our goodbyes.

I drove home with the knowledge that Id never see her again. I didn’t feel bad about lying to her. I didn’t feel good either. Just indifferent. I pondered that thought as the salty taste of wang juice lingered in my mouth.

Mchenrycruiser:The Hood rat Slayer is no more.

I arrived home and checked the mail. In it was a letter from an ambulance company I applied for and interviewed for. “YA! REDEMPTION MOTHA F U C K A”
I thought as I opened it to read its contents.

“Were sorry to inform you that we’ve chosen another candidate for the position you applied for. Good luck in your future endeavors.”

I waver back and fourth as to what it is that I want from this life. I don’t know the answer yet. But I do know that I am tired of being a nobody. I’m tired of HAVING nobody. I’m not retiring from the game. But I do look forward to it. I’m tired of running from the truth.

Because the truth is, I’m not done with hood rats. I haven’t even scratched the surface.

But I have scratched the rash on my nut sack.

6 Degrees of Mchenrycruiser

The day after I did my touching rendition of Chris Brown’s ” With You”

[R an B song]

I returned to the same bowling alley to reconnect with an old friend and make good on a promise I made her years before. Which was to buy her a drink. She was leery that I’d attempt a sexual advance.

Rachael: I am letting you know right now that I have no intentions of sleeping with you.

Mchenry: No woman does. They just wake up and are like “WHAT DID YOU PUT IN MY DRINK?”

Rachael:……

Mchenry: Just Kidding

We sat at the bar and talked about old times. We were co workers at a security company and would frequently visit each others work site to make out. Shed let me slide my hand down the back of her panties and dry hump her.

However, Her Boobies
were off limits.

I didn’t nail her either. I’d have had to commit to get that far and back then I wasn’t as much of an a$$hole.

Flash forward to present day where the last few hours Ive been searching online dating sites to find the nastiest , most obese centerfold for meat magazine I can find  who may be willing to support me during this economic crisis.

I know its a scummy thing to do. But I’m down to that or whoring myself out to dudes for money.

She’s basically a female AFC [ Average Frustrated Chump]and complained about the lack of male attention she received the day before at a bar. We finished our drinks and I waited for her in the lobby while she used the restroom. She didn’t lock the door.

This was discovered when an old black homeless lady walked inside and opened the door on her exposing Rachael seated on the toilet, panties around her ankles , sporting an “O”  [ Shock] face. It wasn’t as hot as the pictures in Hustler Magazine.

She composed herself and we sat outside. She smoked a cigarette.

Mchenry: Burrrr its cold, Im going to use your body heat for warmth. Dont be afraid.

Rachael:  Lol ok

I wrapped my arms around her waist and rested my chin on her shoulder.

She flipped through her cell phone to show me pictures of a shirtless dude with chest hair like Burt Reynolds.

Mchenry:  Wow hes RIPPED!

WOW , So its come to this. Here I was.

Mchenrycruiser or as the ladies refer to as “Cockasaurus Rex:The Sultan of sex” ,

rooting on a woman to have sexual relations with a guy that wasn’t me and to floss her teeth with his chest hair.

I’ve come a long way since the time when I boned a Milf in her forties then afterwards, attempted to seduce her 21 year old daughter, so that I could complete

“The circle of life” [ Also an Elton John song]

It didn’t work but that moment DID mark the first time I referenced a phrase in an animated film to score sweet poonanny. [ vagina]

Rachael finished her cigarette and we walked back to her car where we shared an embrace. It was beautiful in its simplicity. It was like two souls merging together to form one being. I slid my hand down her back and lingered on the upper half of her a$$. Well that just killed the romantic tone I was going for sorry.

I released her from my Kung Fu grip and our eyes met. I could have kissed her there and she’d let me. A tsunami of vaginal fluid would have spilled from her panties and forever stained the pavement below. Id need an inflatable raft to row to safety. And if that raft had only room for one , I might lose a good friend. I didn’t want to tarnish our friendship.

Fast Forward to Thursday Night. I had another internet meet up at Starbucks with a 25 year old self proclaimed nerd.

Nerd: Are you getting a coffee?

Mchenry: Yeah if your paying.

Nerd: OK

And thats the advantage of dating nerd girls. Nerd girls are afc’s. And afc’s pay for everything. We sat at a table and shared conversation.

Nerd: I’ve been reading a book about the German god “Odin”

Mchenry: Never heard of him

Nerd: He’s a famous god!

Mchenry: If he was famous id know who he was.

Nerd: Well he’s really old!

Mchenry: yeah so is Jesus but I’ve HEARD of him. I think Odin need a new publicist. Odin needs to figure out who the publicist of Jesus is and hire THAT guy.

nerd: …

She informed me that her sister was the regional manager of all taco bell’s in the state. Remembering the current economic crisis , I pleaded for her help in gaining employment within the franchise. She promised to help.

Nerd girl is in college and is a philosophy major but currently working as a Barista at Starbucks, a different location then where we were currently.

mchenry: So what do you want to become?

nerd: I dunno. I just want the degree.

mchenry: I know what you should do!

nerd: Really? What?

mchenry: Become the regional manager of Del Taco and challenge your sister to a duel using burritos like light sabers.

[darth vader voive] LUKE , I said hold the onions.

Nerd:…..

I finished the coffee and persuaded her to buy me a vanilla late. Then as Starbucks was closing ,we walked outside

Mchenry: Burrrrr I’m cold, I’m gonna use your body heat for warmth. Do not be alarmed.

nerd:  okay

I wrapped my arms around her waist and began to kiss her neck while grinding my wang into her a$$. She allowed me at first then turned away.

Nerd: Lol not in public!

I forgot the line I used here but I do recall that I blatantly stole it from a DR. Phil episode I watched earlier that day. It has to do with not caring what others think of you.

She told me to text her sometime. I assured her that I would.

I knew she wouldn’t put out or touch by wang. I am quite fond of her though.

Fast forward to Saturday night. I received a call from the drunken bar chick who was pushed by billy. If you recall that incident then you also know that I was owed a massage in return for the drama she created that night.

[ If you don’t recall, it’s because you’ve not read that Feild Report yet]

However, she didn’t deliver on that promise. But she DID invite me to a crap dinner at a restaurant not far from my house.

I drove to the parking lot of a grocery store to meet her for a ride. From there, we traveled to the restaurant.

Bar girl: So whats new with your life?

Mchenry: Nothing. Although I AM contemplating jumping off the golden gate bridge.

Bar girl:  Lol don’t say that and besides, what if you only break your legs?

Mchenry: I’ll dive head first or belly flop.

Bar girl: wow lol I really like the honesty.

Mchenry: So whats up with that job you were supposed to get me? [ worker at a group home]

Bar girl: I haven’t heard back from them

Mchenry: Bitch, just being honest like you like.

We arrived at the restaurant and walked inside to meet up with her friends. It was a couple in their mid to late 30’s. She had warned me earlier that they were “Hicks”. 40 % of people I meet suspect that I am gay due to my metro look.I was again wearing the “Lion shirt”. [ worn in previous adventures that made some women think I was gay]

Shit was about to get real.

The husband looked eerily similar to Tim Allen’s bearded side kick on “Home Improvement”[ 90’s TV Sitcom]

I shook their hands and took my seat at the table. They were half way through their meal of crab legs.

Bar girl: Sorry we are late lol.

Wife: That’s ok your always late!

Mchenry: With you she’s just late. With me,  she just stands me up completely.

Husband: She’s not late. It just takes her 2 days to get ready.

Mchenry: Well I just wait in my car with a sleeping bag for like a day and a half and then finally when I realize she’s not coming,thats when I pack it in and head home.

Bar girl: You gonna order anything to eat?

Mchenry: Yeah if your paying.

Bar girl: Well I’m not hungry so lets just order from the appetizer menu. What do you want to get?

Mchenry: ummm [I scrolled down the list of choices] The chicken wings! [i needed my protein, I lift weights]

We chatted some while waiting for the wings

Bar girl: I’m getting a strawberry vodka, do you want one?

Mchenry: Yeah…if your paying.

bargirl:  OK lol

The chicken wings arrived and so did the drinks. I sipped it down. Halfway through I was buzzed. We finished the meal and headed into the bar area for more booze. I asked for and received another strawberry vodka.

Mchenry: I’m not cheap, I’m just unemployed.

Husband: Don’t worry, I’ll probably be too soon.

Mchenry:  What do you do?

Husband: I work at Bass Pro shop

Mchenry:  Are they hiring?

Husband: No

After the drinks, we excused ourselves to leave. Bar girl drove me back to the parking lot. During the drive their she humored me with a story of her sexual escapades the night before. She apparently had hot sex with a dude she had just met that night in Vegas.

Mchenry:  Was a girl involved?

Bar girl:  lol which time?

Mchenry: NO WAY. Will you have a 3some with me?

Bar girl: ok lol but I’m picky on the women I sleep with.

Mchenry: SPLENDID!

I exited her vehicle and bid her fair well. I felt a vibration in my right pant’s pocket. It was a call.

Mchenry: Hello?

Whats up? Wanna do something?

It was nerd girl from Starbucks.

Mchenry: What do you wanna do?

Nerd girl: I WANNA DANCE!!!

Mchenry:  But I’m drunk and in a grocery store parking lot.

Nerd: I’ll come get you!

Mchenry: ok bring booze because I don’t wanna lose my buzz.

40 MINUTES LATER

She arrived and I entered her car and sat down.

nerd: my mom has some Smirnoff Ice [alcohol] in the freezer. We’ll go back to my house and hang out until eleven or so then go to the club.

I felt uneasy because last time I went to the club I displayed the worst dancing in the history of mankind.

[ Read post entitled “I said I’d always be there for her, 5 years later I was balls deep in her sister”]

But this was my first chance at redemption. I had to man up and make magic happen.

During the ride there she made several “Harold and Kumar” references and gave ma a nice little recap of the movie and its sequel which I’ve never seen. She was a fan of Niel Patrick Harris.

[ gay actor from Doogie Howser M.D.and How I met your mother]

Mchenry: You knew he’s gay right

Nerd: No lol he is? But in the movie he’s always talking about pussy!

Mchenry: He likes to be pounded in the ass like a jackhammer.

Nerd: really! He is even more interesting now!

Mchenry: Oh so you are a fan of the gays?

Nerd: Yeah I love gay people!

Mchenry: You know, 40 % of people I meet think I am gay!

Nerd: It’s probably because you have style and dress well.

Mchenry: I know! I was trying to explain that to a dude today. Finally I just said “dude, if you don’t stop calling me gay , I’m going to stop sucking your cock!

Nerd: LOL THATS SO FUNNY.

Mchenry: I am just kidding.  OR AM I?

We arrived at her house and went inside.

She got the Smirnoff Ice out of the fridge. I drank one and then another. She turned on some music and began to dance.

Mchenry: I can’t dance. I don’t know how. TEACH ME.

She took my hand and guided me gently off the couch. I began to grind on her ass and rub her body from behind. I was fully aroused. She then excused herself to put on some make up in the bathroom. I followed her inside ,wrapped my arms around her waist and began kissing her neck.

Nerd: Lol stop I’m trying to put on make up!

Mchenry: Hurry up then I don’t wanna lose my buzz.

I walked into the living room and grabbed her half drunken Smirnoff and watched it make the journey from her bottle to my mouth. I was in and out conciousness.I’m a light weight.

Fast Forward

Now we are in her car on our way to the club. I placed my hand on her inner thigh and gently massaged her leg.

Nerd: I used to date this one guy and he called me a Goddess at giving blow jobs!

Mchenry: Really? good times. So you gonna prove that to me

Nerd: ummm I think I’ve built it up too much now. You’d be dissapointed.

Mchenry: …..Bitch, I only say that because I know you appreciate honesty.

nerd: What the fuck?

Oh right, that was bar girl. Damn.

Mchenry: Why do you get mad at the things I say when I’m drunk?

Nerd: ……..

We parked at the club and got out to wait in line. A group of hot Hispanic chicks in their early twenties walked past us.

Nerd: here come the sluts!

Mchenry: WHERE! Oh thats just offensive. I am disgusted.

My Wang began to grow like Pinnochio’s nose when he lies.

[Disney Character]

She ordered me a beer and some other kind of drink that I chugged down quickly. She guided me to the dance floor. Hot chicks were eye fucking me as I walked past. This was the second time in my life Ive been to a club and the first time I’ve enjoyed it.

I ground my Cockasaurus Rex into her ass and lower back. I wanted to bend her over and score a hole in one. I felt her Boobies and tweaked her nipples pretending they were the knob on a radio. I observed a group of young looking white dudes wearing affliction shirts and dancing together in a group with no chicks. It struck me as odd. I watched then snapping their fingers and doing the “head bob” It was hypnotic.

I began to snap my fingers and do the “head bob”

Nerd girl gave me a bewildered look and sat down in a chair by the dance floor. I straddled her and ground my wang into her pussy while giving her the worst lap dance in the history of man kind. I blacked out. Then I came to and we were in the smoking area of the club and seated in individual chairs. She was on her phone with a female friend of hers. She wanted to go hang out with her at another bar.

FAST Forward

We walked down the street to meet up with her friend but first stopped at a different bar to go to the bathroom. I heard a voice shout my name As I made my way through the bodies. “Hey Mchenry” It was my friend rachael with a date.

Mchenry: RACHAEL?

Rachael: Yeah lol

Mchenry: Is that Greg? [ Her Ex]

Rachael: No LOL

Mchenry: Oh I thought You were her babies daddy! You look similar. But YOU are very tall, and large. You could probably hurt me in a fight. You would destroy me. I am fragile.

I’m a pu$$Y when intoxicated.

Mchenry: I’ve never boned Rachael! I tried several time but she rejected me. I said ” wanna f u c k ?” and she was like  “Nope” Excuse me I gotta piss.

After I came out of the bathroom, I introduced Rachael to nerd girl.

They chatted for a bit.

Mchenry to nerd girl: We better leave. I don’t wanna ruin their date. Plus her date is very tall, and large and his eyes are shifting almost as if to say “That F U C K I N G mchenry!”

Rachael:  LOL

The date: Lol nah i wasn’t thinking that.

We left the bar and walked a half block to another where we met up with the friend . The music was loud and I couldn’t overhear the conversation. But the friend was cute and visions of glorious 3 way sex danced in my head. Both of them.

Next, myself, nerd girl and the cute friend began to dance. I was to the side of nerd girl at first but inched my way in between them. I placed my hands on nerd girls back and the friend’s as well. She didn’t resist. She wanted to chow down at the “Dangling Diner” [My wang]  I wanted to be her waiter.

But nerd girl’s jealousy took over and she demanded that we leave the bar claiming to be “tired” Tired of the cruiser fondling that sweet ass maybe. I should have gotten the friend’s number but I afraid Id be abandoned and left to fend for myself with no ride or place of my own to layeth the mack down.

Fast Forward

We were on the road again. We stopped off at Taco Bell to grab some food to help us sober up.

Mchenry: We should have went to Dell Taco!

Nerd: I hate Dell Taco!

Mchenry: With that attitude I wouldn’t expect to become the regional manager anytime soon.

Fast Forward

Now we were back at the parking lot next to my car. My hand was still on her thigh. I opened the car door but then gently touched her chin in my hand and guided her towards me. I kissed her. She kissed back. My tongue entered her mouth and her’s into mine.

Nerd:  Yuck you taste like taco bell, kiss my neck.

I kissed her neck.

Nerd:  lol ok thats enough. Ive gotta go.

Mchenry: Bitch  [ Said in a joking manner]

And then we parted ways for the second time in two days. I lingered there in the parking lot for several moments , under the light of the moon and came to one conclusion.

I would never be able to top this night .

Unless another night includes Butt Sex.

Fun With Foriegners

I conversed over the phone with a 43 year old woman from pof. Due to my unemployment, not only have I scraped the bottom of the barrel for some dating excitement, Ive rented a jack hammer and managed to unearth a few more feet. Disgusting feet, With yellow toe nails and callouses. Where I am going with this?

Plentyoffish.com has a lotta ugly chicks,thats what I mean. These aren’t the type of fish that you put on display in a tank, in you living room. This is the kind of fish you catch in a net,chop into slivers and feed to your cat. But I’m bored and so I date women for sport. My weapon of choice, a wang. I stick my wang in things.

SO I was talking to this chick and things were going ok until I received a pic of her via text. She looked like a Pocahontas,the Indian princess……..if Pocahontas was fat with f u c k e d up teeth and not very attractive.

In other words,she looked nothing like paocahontas the Indian princess. Sorry, I should have clarified that earlier. I let loose when I talk to fat chicks. I test out all my new material on fat chicks to see how it goes over. I don’t care if I offend them.Its like a comedian that tries out new material in s h i t t y comedy clubs before sharing it with the world on The Tonight Show. In other words, fat chicks are my s h i t t y comedy club.

mchenry: have you ever burried your face,ears deep ,in a man’s a$$hole?

indiangirl:OMG you r a pig

mchenry: did you know pigs have 30 minute orgasms?

indiangirl:no And I don’t care

mchenry:I knew that ,but you know who does?Jessica Simpson

indiangirl:I dont care about celebrities!

mchenry:I figured that but you know who does?TMZ! and they’ll soon be reporting the Jessica Simpson’s orgasms will be extended by 29 minutes and 45 seconds.

Because she got fat.

indiangirl:WTF are you talking about

mchenry: IM just talkin bout SHAFT!

CLICK.

She hung up. But I didn’t care. You know how when your paying for eggs at the store and they cost 2.99 , so you give them 3 one dollar bills, and they give you back a penny? But instead of putting the penny in your wallet, you throw it on the ground. I care more about THAT penny then I do fat chicks.

I don’t think fat chicks throw pennies though. I think they care about the environment. This one in particular recycles. I know this because instead of deleting my number like any rational human being would, she gave it to her friend.

Hmm I sure have some s h i t t y segways in this story.

SO the friend calls me and she’s Hindu which I thought meant black at the time. Turns out though,that its the fiji islands or some s h i t that shes from. So we talk and she had a funny accent that I didn’t like. A chick with a funny accent might as well be a fat chick.

mchenry: Send me a nude photo of yourself,I’m horny

hindugirl: OMG your a perv

mchenry: i don’t apologise for being a sexual being. Photos,send them,now

She didn’t send the nudes I requested but did in fact send a photo. She was fat. DOUBLE WHAMMY.Fat chick + funny accent= Jessica Simpson and I’d hit that.Refer to paragraph # 2. “I stick my wang in things”

SO I kept hounding her to meet me. If she declined,Id hang up on her. When I did that,shed call me back or text me. And this went on for a period of 3 days. But I finally got her to agree to meet me in the parking lot of Mcdonalds. But she didn’t come alone. She brought the Indian friend.

As I approached them ,the Hindu greeted me with a heartfelt compliment…

hindugirl: you look weird

mchenry:ummm is that bad?

hindu girl:i dunno, I mean ,you just look different

mchenry: in a bad way or a good way?

hindu girl: I dunno

I half thought about turning around and making a mad dash for my car but instead pressed on.We walked inside where the Indian friend placed an order. The Hindu walked over to sit at a booth near the back entrance.I followed behind. She was 5″1 slightly fat with horrible skin. She looked like Seal,the singer not the animal. She walked like the Penguin. The animal, not the villain in Batman. Although The villain in Batman DID in fact , walk like the animal, so please disregard my earlier observation.

She sat down. I sat beside her. I caught her starring at my crotch.

“She must WANT IT”i thought. She looked nervous, or scared, or disgusted. I wasn”t sure which.

mchenry: are you nervous

hindugirl:a little

mchenry:do you want me to leave

hindugirl:no its ok

mchenry:then what is it?

hindugirl: nothing

mchenry: you don”t like the way I look?

hindugirl:its not that. wheres my friend?

She kept peeking around the corner to see if her friend was coming to save the day. I couldn’t believe she felt the NEED to be saved. I should have been swept off my feet in this Beauty and The Beast scenario. Instead ,I was made aware from the start that I was the elephant in the room. How ironic.

The friend returned and talked about the guys she met on pof. Rather, the guys she spoke on the phone too. as she rambled I thought

“Well, I”m here,shes here. I may as well try to cop a feel. She is fat,so who cares what happens. Shes my s h i t t y comedy club.”

I placed my hand on her upper thigh. She pushed it away.

hindugirl: DON”T TOUCH ME!

mchenry:lol what?

I tried again.

DON’T TOUCH ME.I don’t like to be touched.

mchenry:fine Ill touch your friend instead.

I got up and attempted to sit by the friend but she scooted to the edge of the seat to prevent it. DON’T TOUCH ME. I was getting it from both sides now.I sat back down by the Hindu. My mind began to wonder. I looked at the Indian friend who made eye contact with the Hindu,giving a “look” as if it were some sort of non verbal apology. I looked at the Hindu ,who stared at the wall with a look of “help me” on her face. I couldn’t belive she felt the NEED to be helped.

I leaned over ,on the edge of my seat and on the balls of my feet [unintentional rhyme]

mchenry: I gotta go see ya later

I said that as I made a mad dash out the back entrance. They probably caught only half of my fair well greeting. I ran to my car and peeled out of the parking lot and a bad situation. I received a text

hindugirl: see you suck

and another

hindugirl: don’t ever call me again

mchenry: I wasn’t going to lol

hindugirl: you look like a f a g you should be meeting guys not girls

mchenry: you look fat and ugly

hindugirl: i like the way I look

mchenry:f u c k off Osama

Considering the source, It didn’t hurt my self esteem any. I went to the gym across the street where I was complimented by the hottie at the front desk.

hottie:I like your shirt

mchenry:thanks cuz someone just swore that I was gay for wearing this

hottie:no i like it,its not boring like most of the shirts guys wear

mchenry: thanks now the odds are 50-50 that I’m straight. Hope I get more compliments on it so the odds go up.
It was a yellow ,beaded Lion Shirt.

Channeling The Cruiser

What took place on this night was yet another plentyoffish.com encounter , you’ll notice that most the women I “Date” are from this particular site. A site chalk full of single moms, fat chicks, and attention whores

SO I was set to meet another facially challenged fem-tard at the bowling alley. She Had met members of her roller derby team at the bar area inside. I had earlier agreed to be a referee for the team during their practice games. I debuted a new shirt that I hoped would enable me to Macgiver off some panties later in the evening. It was a flashy yellow LION shirt. YEA BABY ,all those wolf shirt wearing wuss boys in the misc can take a back seat.

Thrown over that was my black leather jacket that made me look like a guido/emo hybrid. I strutted into the bowling alley and text her to get her location. She walked out and greeted me with a hug. “This bitch wants to dine at the dangling diner yea” I thought as I rubbed my chin,perhaps something would be rubbing HER chin later in the evening.

She walked me over to the table where her roller derby friends were seated. There were 3 of them. One was wearing a pink cast because she had broken her foot. She was the coach of the team and not bad on the eyes, if they were squinted and looking through a dirty window from a very far distance. Another was a dumpy fat girl. The third was actually cute and I half thought about attempting a number close on her at some point.

Then as I was conversing with Melanie,the girl I was meeting there, the cute chick looked at her 2 friends and did the tongue sticking out,finger down her throat ,gag maneuver that signaled the end to any hopes of a number close. This meeting was just a test run to see if we liked each other enough to go through with the real plan of going to her friends house to play Guitar Hero and get wasted.

I was down and so was she, Although,I don’t know why she was flattered by my choice. I just wanted out of the house. I would have agreed to a date with pre-weight loss habitual health if it meant free booze. I planned on throwing a retirement party for my liver. And then a house warming party for the new one after the transplant was completed.

And she, like the gentlemen she was ,drove me over the the friends house where we unloaded the guitar hero mic,drums,guitar, and system console. Now Melanie was white so I was surprised to be greeted by a house full of Vodka inhanced mexicans. It was a nice place though with a plasma tv. I shook hands and made eye contact with Jose Cuervo.

I mixed some alcohol with diet pepsi and chugged it down. There was no time to savor the flavor. I made myself a sequel and chugged that as well. Then the trilogy , which was a tall glass of straight vodka. I was black out drunk and on the verge of not knowing what I was saying before I said it.

I remember one conversation I had with a woman whose son was locked up for robbing a liquor store for 11 dollars.

mchenry: 11 dollars? did he get a felony?

woman: Yes

mchenry:thats bloody outrageous, It wasn’t even grand larson!

melanie:hes fun isn’t he!

Apparently I become both British AND a legal expert when intoxicated.

I recall my attempt at playing guitar hero as the guitarist and failing miserably with my game ending several minutes before the other members of the band. Melanie sat on my lap. Damn whisky d ick prevented me from enjoying the moment. I rubbed her legs and back. She didn’t stop me, but then again ,she had two kids from two different fathers. She probably wouldn’t have stopped most people.

I drank another drink and lost all sense of reality. I was challenged to a singing competition. I chose the song. Chris Brown : with you.
I dropped to my knees as the song began

mchenry: oh i need ya boo oh i wanna feel ya boo and the hearts all over the world tonight and the hearts all over the world tonight.

I didn’t even know if those were the exact lyrics but I teared up. I’m a sensitive drunk. Haven’t I covered that? Once the song completed , I was hailed as the victor! But my fame was fleeting ,I lost the next round.More time passed and I kept having to take leak after leak in the bathroom ,excreting the booze. I half thought about drinking my own urine in hopes that somehow I could catch another buzz.

It came time to wrap up the night. AT this point , I was in and out of conciousness and awoke to fair wells such as “BY DRUNK GUY” and the ever so heart felt “see ya later, drunk guy”

We loaded the guitar hero accessories back into Melanie’s car and departed.

melanie: do you think you can drive home?

mchenry: I know I can drive home, but the question SHOULD be, can you drive home without getting a D.U.I.? the answer is NO.

malaniek lets go get some food ,that will sober you up.

mchenry:lets go to IHOP. I want some f u c k i n french TOAST. I said mimicking the drunk chick in “The 40 year old virgin”

We arrived at IHOP and were seated. I had some F U C K I N FRENCH TOAST. She had an omlette I think. I also had some coffee, it tasted like urine. Maybe coffee just tastes like urine when I’m drunk?Ill have to research that. We talked about ……sh it i dunno ,i was starring at her cleavage.She knew it too but didn’t question me about it.

Once we were finished i asked

mchenry:wanna split the bill?

melanie:umm ok

I saw a look of heartbreak on her face, i expected annoyance, anger, possibly dissapointment , but never this. I was confused but still I had her pay the tip as well.

On the walk to her car ,I wrapped my arms around her body and pressed my schlong into her a$$. She didn’t object. We sat in the car and I hugged her

mchenry:burrrr its cold, I need to use your body heat

I touch her face with my hand ,pulled it towards me and kissed her. And that kiss turned into full on tongue fu. I groped her breasts. Then we stopped and she drove me back to the bowling alley. My car was still there,thank god, not that I’m a believer or anything. The fung fu match continued. I kissed her neck and made my way to her t itties and unwrapped them like a christmas present. I sucked on her nipples,one then the other. I alternated neck and nipples. I put her hand on my schlong, she rubbed it,so I whipped it out. She rubbed my sack with gentle ease.

She stroked it too but not with enough force to plaster her car with my DNA. Then she told me she had to go.

mchenry: well theres a dumpster in the corner,just squat behind that or something………..

melanie:no i mean, i have to leave. I gotta wake up early.

mchenry: ……oh ohhhhhh ok

Damn Im a charming mother f u c k e r .

Then we parted ways. I drove home satisfied more then the typical outing. I was a bit more attracted to her then previous “DATES” that Ive been on. And yet not enough to commit or even see her again. I’m not a hypocrate. I am willing to commit. But I’m not willing to settle. SO then why do I see women in a social setting when I know for certain that they are not nor will ever be the one.

I dunno. Its my recreation. Some people play video games,others golf,some bowl.

I just choose to use my fingers else where , and put by balls in a different kind of hole. But one day, when I find the RIGHT hole, ill put my balls in it, and leave them there.

Mchenrycruiser: G.I.L.F. Hunter

When I’m ill with cabin fever and need out of the house, I grab my pole and head for http://www.plentyoffish.com

I curse myself for it now. I could have honestly beat the demons out of me with a brief hand to peni massage. I’m an addict. I know this now. Theres things in my life Id rather forget but Sunday night will haunt my dreams forever.I thought for sure that I would exclude this particular story from this thread. Especially because people I know in real life are aware of my online persona and read this thread with great regularity.

But I simply will not cheat my loyal Mchenrian’s who read this post religeously every night. Ive hid nothing up to this point , well at least,not since last January when this epic sh it was created. And so I bring to you the tale which I will regard as the most shameful night in my existence as a man, not that Ive ever been a woman or anything.

We all have our fetishes, some people like domination, some like midgets, and others like sitting in a hot tub ,nude and plowing their bunghole with an empty beer bottle. Actually ,sitting nude ,in a hot tub, allowing a midget to plow my bunghole with an empty beer bottle while wearing a dominatrix outfit would make a great addition to this thread and Ill keep that idea on file.

But the fetish I fulfilled wasn’t exactly a fetish at all. It was more like some weird
fucked up situation that started as an innocent road trip to eat a rice crispy treat…laced with weed.

I messaged a 61 year old woman on a dating site. The oldest chick I’ve shagged was somewhere in her 40’s. I once refered to her as

“Mrs Robinson”

Well this woman on Sunday ,could have very well been Mrs. Robinson’s mother.

She commented on my body picture from my profile and informed me of her moist vagina. I was disgusted, but she gave me her number, and thus out of morbid curiosity, I dialed it. She didn’t sound 61. Long story short, she had a rice crispy treat laced with weed that was given to her from a 20 year old pot dealer , who she met the day before.

Ive never smoked weed in my life. Ive drank ,Ive juiced, but never been high. Never smoked a joint and had an urge for munchies. I felt cheated out of THAT life experience.I wanted to recapture my youth……with the elderly. And so I made the 26 mile journey into the abyss. I knew sex was a possibility. But I had to know, one day when I’m an old man, its something that may very well be a possibility anyways. This was just a sneak peak into the future … or so I rationalized.

I parked across the street from a pizza joint and called her from my cell phone. She drove over to where I was to guide me to her apartment. She pecked me on the lips. It was like kissing my grandmother.Not that Ive ever kissed my grandmother but you get the idea.

I should have turned back around and drove home. It wasn’t too late. But THATS the addiction. You know its wrong. But you cant stop. Your unstoppable. Your a machine on auto pilot following orders. I receive my orders from my peni.

Oh peni ,why do you get hard?
even when you see a naked retard?
god damn this chick should be in a retirement home
and yet, you strap on a condom and get ready to bone
This sh it is like a horror movie
its gory
you’ll need to lube her vagina with wd40
Shes got gray pubes
and that doesn’t mean its distinguished
you raging boner must be extinguished
Put out the fire
fan those flames
and please stop nailing women who walk with canes/end rap

She escorted me into her apartment and fixed me a diet Pepsi mixed with vodka. I chugged it down. She poured me a second one. I chugged it down too.
I smelled the rice crispy treat. It smelled putrid. WTF. That surely couldn’t be weed, I thought. And then It dawned on me, I was days away from an EMT job,at least I hoped. I couldn’t have weed in my system and blow my chance at sweet escape from my parents home.I need my own place, weed be DAMNED!

She urged me to take a bite but I resisted. And then the alcohol invaded my system and I got dizzy. I sat down next to a reclining chair in her living room. She massaged my neck, Took me gently by the chin and kissed me. I kissed back. Tongues were involved. Dentures were involved too. Hers not mine.

She unzipped my fly and proceeded to scrape my d!ck like a cheese grader.

Mchenry: Stop using your f u c k i n g teeth

lady: your cock is too big

mchenry: or our your dentures too loose? I’ts the chicken and the egg really.

maybe those DRINKS were laced with weed?

old lady:fuck you m other****er

mchenry: Why do you get mad at things I say when I’m drunk?I’M SORRY!I have a condom,want to come with me to get it.

old lady : OK

I stumbled out to my car to fetch a condom then came back, put it on and thrust it inside her. My penis, not the condom. Well both I guess. Which is quite odd, I normally cant find the hole and have to ask the woman to guide me in.

old lady: oh uh oh uh

Yuck, it was like fucking my grandma, not that Ive ever fuc ked my grandma.

Mchenry: I’m gonna jack off onto your face.

wow that vodka made me brave didn’t it?

Old Lady:no please

Mchenry: Yes, I’m gonna do it

I jacked off onto her face and blasted her with an order from the “Dangling Diner”. Then she kissed me and I felt a salty treat invade my taste buds.

Mchenry: What the hell are you doing? Yuck!

Old Lady:well you came on my face mother fucker ,do you think i liked THAT? its YOUR’S anyways

Mchenry:I should have just stayed home and masterbated

Old Lady:get out of my house m other f ucker

Mchenry: Why did you get mad at things I say when I’m drunk?

Then I cried like a baby. Tears flowed. It was the kind of cry that forced my body into a full on seizure type event. It was……EPIC. She forgave me.

Old Lady: I’ts OK, Lemme fix you some coffee to help you sober up

And she did. I tasted it, it was putrid and tasted like urine, not that I’ve ever tasted urine. Maybe she wasn’t so forgiving after all. But in my drunken stupor, I took a few more sips. Then cried some more. She felt real bad at this point and yanked the coffee from my grip.She walked me over to her guest room to sleep off the booze.

I slept for a good few hours. I woke up,still slightly drunk but I had to make good my escape. I quietly opened the door,shut it, then jogged to my car. I drove home,praying I wouldn’t get a DUI, not that I believe in Jesus or anything.

That day made me realize ,even more ,how much I yearn for love and companionship in my life. For a woman to be not only my lover ,but my best friend .And when I do meet that woman and we share an embrace………it will be beautiful in its simplicity. It will be like two bodies coming together and merging into one incredible being. She will look at me and say “I am so in love with you my darling…
I will reply ” I feel the same…………..

even if you ARE young enough to be my grand daughter”

Like A Zombie

Dec 21, 2008

I experienced a severe case of cabin fever tonight. I needed to get out of the house and into some vagina or a closed fist,either would suffice. When I get lonely and hunger for companionship, My wang MUST be included. TOM AND JERRY……..PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY…..CHEECH AND CHONG…..ME AND MY WANG, ok ,so it doesn’t quite have the same ring to it but our partnership should always be assumed.

And so I set out on a journey that would take me to far and distant places in

search of that one special woman , a soul mate perhaps,who ,with one mere glance, would forever capture my heart.

NAH, I just logged onto http://www.plentyoffish.com to find a slut. I instant messaged a rather hefty gal and asked her if she had plans for the evening. She didn’t. Just to test the waters, I invited her to my home to watch a movie with me. She accepted. Then I requested to move the activity to HER place, I obviously wasn’t going allow my parents to see me with a sub par looking individual, a big beer bellied b i t c h, a centerfold for meat magazine.

She had 2 kids and was uncomfortable with the idea of meeting there. I then suggested my car and she agreed. She made the 20 minute journey to my small hometown in bum f u c k Egypt and we met in the parking lot of a taco bell. I felt butterflies in my stomach.

The idea of meeting a stranger, whom id never spoken to ,appealed to me greatly.She text me once she arrived and informed me that she was driving a blue Nissan. I drove there and parked beside her. We both exited our vehicles and shared an embrace…….it was beautiful in its simplicity, It was as if 2 souls had merged together into one ,we were practically sharing the same heart……

I hope not, She was one cheeseburger away from a heart attack
And sloppy
Her car was dirty
My c o c k went floppy
but I couldn’t stop me
I was like a zombie
But not the walking dead
Just a dude ,online dating, to get some head

Ill slide my hands up her shirt
to undue her bra strap
and be unable to find it
because its lost in her back fat

its like a disease
this testosterone
keeps me up for days
to find a fat chick to bone
when I’m alone and no one will know
Ill take some nookie
from a girl on a diet of ice cream and cookies/end rap

mchenry: you have a nice car,lets take a ride in it

sloppy girl: ok

I climbed into the passenger seat and advised her on which direction to go.

mchenry: so ummm hows life

sloppy girl:its ok

mchenry:just ok?

sloppy girl:ya

The conversation was awkward and I was loving it. It heightened the excitement for me for some reason. The fog was dense. We pulled onto the side of an orchard road. I grabbed a fist full of her hair and darted my tongue down her throat.I put her hand on my wang. She rubbed it. I whipped it out and placed her hand on it.

She began to milk me like a cow. It felt good. She stopped at periods during the make out session. Probably to reflect upon how much of a whore she was/is.

mchenry: suck it

she shook her head. She could rationalize her BEHAVIOR LATER AND CONVINCE HERSELF THAT SHE WAS IN FACT, not a whore ……whores suck c o c k.She obviously didn’t do that. The radio was on. Britney spears “Womaniser” played in the background. Thats what I felt like in that moment, she , i assume, felt womanised.

I pushed my sweater up to the level of my upper chest and shot my load from a reclined position. My DNA was all over the car.

mchenry: Don’t murder anyone in here when you leave,my DNA is all over the interior of this car.I don’t want to be framed for a crime later.

She laughed. She found some napkins for me to clean up with. I threw them out the car window afterwards to reunite them with their fellow trees. The time was 12:47 am

mchenry: We better leave now, taco bell closes at one and Ill get my car towed if I don’t move it by then

sloppy girl: ok

she drove back to the parking lot of taco bell. I hugged her goodbye.

mchenry:it was nice to meet you

sloppy girl:you too,bye

I drove away with a reinforced opinion that casual sex is meaningless and unfulfilling. I’d much rather “feel” something ,for someone. But I wont settle for less then what I deserve. But what do I bring to the table? IM 28 years old ,unemployed and live with my parents. Major chances must take place in the year 2009. I have some new years resolutions to make……………

10 Rounds With Jose Quervo

I received a message though Myspace last Tuesday from a woman in my city. She wasn’t quite my type physically so I emailed her back and asked if she could help me attain employment. She had me send her my resume ,which she forwarded to some friends of hers that run a womens shelter. Theres a counselor position she thinks ill be able to get hired for.

We made plans to meet at a local bar Ive never heard of despite it being literally 1 minute from my house. I had no plans to “Houdini” my way into her “fun sized” panties , this was a business meeting in my mind, I just needed to befriend her long enough to sign the W-2 form.

We sat on bar stools at a wobbly table.She ordered a tequila shot,I ordered water, my wang wasn’t going to be swimming near her naughty parts so there was no need for beer goggles…….a wet suit…..flippers or an oxygen tank. She had a rather large vagina as was revealed through her camel toe. I debated which was more disturbing, the camel toe or the fact that she had know problem with me blatantly staring at her crotchal region.

It was at this point that I wanted to give cliff notes on the conversation to demonstrate how hilarious and witty I am, however ,later that night,I took her up on her offer of free booze and drank several tequila shots. I was hammered. We shot a game of pool [i lost] then she said “you ready”

mchenry:sure lets go

I followed her outside.

chick: so you wanna hang out some more

mchenry: sure

I was under the assumption that she meant wed hang out again,in the future.

chick: ima go home and get some more money and then ill be back and we can drink some more.

mchenry: ohhhhh ok,Ill wait in my car

I wanted to leave but I needed a job more and have no social networking prospects. So I stayed in my car and listened to the radio. ” Womanizer ” by Britney Spears was on. I began to shuck and jive with the music. YEAH……. she is speaking of a man similar to me!!!! I RELATE TO THIS!!! The booze was warping my own sense of reality. Then played “LOSER” by beck………..I wasn’t so motivated for that tune.

I was startled by the headlights of her s.u.v. as she pulled back into the parking lot. We walked back in and sat at the counter. I drank another 2 tequila shots and had 2 coors light beers. She had the same. Then I beleive we made out for a bit after she kept telling me how hot she thought I was.

chick:I’m going to take you home and f u c k the sh it outta you

Some grimey looking Hispanic dude entered into our tounge fu contest.He began flirting with my business prospect. Not just flirting but groping and fondling. She pushed him away but he persisted.

She pushed him away again. I sat there …sipping my beer and WATCHING like I was ringside at a ufc event. I was entertained and intoxicated heavily. I had to take a leak.

mchenry: I have to use the bathroom

chick:if you leave,billy will try to hook up with me

mchenry: do you WANT to hook up with him?

chick: Don’t leave or hell hook up with me thats all I’m saying

mchenry: come with me to the bathroom

chick:no just hurry

I went and was gone for less then a minute but when I came back ,miraculously,she and billy had made up and were sharing a laugh together.

chick to billy: come on baby,come outside with me

Billy followed her outside.

When they came back ,my business prospect was in tears and saying that billy pushed her over a trash can. He said she fell. I think she fell onto his c o ck. But it didn’t matter, I was there for employment opportunities. I urged her to leave with me but she insisted on confronting billy. Then she announced

chick:I’m calling my friend ,JOSH ,the sheriff

The scuffle continued outside the bar. Another man attempted to comfort my business prospect while I Urged her to let the sheriff deal with billy. Billy advised me to retreat to my vehicle. I did exactly that. I tried to difuse the bomb, but my business prospect wouldn’t let me. I wasn’t sticking around for the explosion.

The sheriff arrived with another cop.They placed my business prospect in cuffs.

sheriff: who are you

mchenry: I’m mchenry

sheriff: your not going anywhere

Then ,out of nowhere, A meth addicted bull dike came to my rescue.

bull dyke:Come on mchenry ,I’m taking you home

sheriff: who are you?

bull dyke: IM mchenry’s friend and I’m TAKING HIM HOME

sheriff: oh ok

chick: your leaving me?????????

mchenry: yeah,[turns to dyke] lets get outta here

The dyke drove me home with her girlfriend following close behind. I was dropped off then retreated to my bedroom. I called my business prospect. She was down the street at some dudes house waiting to sober up. She wasn’t arrested , she was having an ongoing affair with the sheriff , who is a married man. She is well connected. I promised to return and pick her up but fell asleep.

I woke up to find 4 missed calls on my cell phone. She called today to apologise. I forgave her.I had to.I need a job. Gay dude called me as well but I didn’t pick up the phone. I had a hangover for the first time in nearly a decade and wasn’t up for another night of “throwing a retirement party for my liver.” Which effectively ended my pursuit of the blond chick. But there are many hot blonds in the world ,waiting for Mr. right…..Mr wrong….and the business end of my schlong.