missed connections

Did you read the title? No? Go back and do it then TARD! I’ll wait…..

“Missed Connections”,

That isn’t just a clever name for my next encounter. Actually, I was browsing THAT section of www.craigslist.com when I devised a brilliant scheme. But before I continue , allow me to explain what that particular section is all about.

People make posts in that section of the site in order to reconnect with old friends or perhaps they were hard at work ,taking orders at the McDonald’s drive thru window, Like most the tards reading this story, when they spotted a hot chick and didn’t have the balls to spit game.

Don’t get overly excited you tards. I mean “Game” as in the art of seduction. Not “The World of War craft”

Then as they made the drive of shame , cursing themselves for another missed opportunity, they would go home with the idea of throwing one final Hail Mary pass. Reaching out to their beloved, via the internet and write something along the lines of:

“Hey There i saw you in the McDonald’s drive thru around 11 or 12 pm…you were in a white truck, you had a pink color shirt one i think lol…you have a cute smile and we mad eye contact…if you can tell me what color car a was driving then i know it is you….I was driving and i was leaving around the time you were in the drive thru… ”

That was an actual post I copied from the site. The dude didn’t take any orders as he was a costumer. But he certainly thought he was in the position to give them didn’t he. See how he was convinced that an impression was made! They made eye contact! It must have been meant to be!

However, there was a study that I wont bother linking you to that stated woman will make eye contact with ugly dudes for the exact same amount of time as they will with guys they are attracted to. My point? I don’t have one.

Oh wait, I do :

People on the internet are retarded.

And that’s how I knew my plan would unfold without incident. I formulated a plan to reply to someone as the missed connection they were seeking. Obviously , if they seen a picture they would know the truth. But I had some trick up my sleeve…

And if they were not up my sleeve , they were shoved deep in my a s s h o l e. But only if I happened to be crossing the Mexican Border.

I would pose as the person they were looking for, clame to be engaged, and pass them onto my equally hot buddy.

His name?

Cruiser. McHenry Cruiser.

I found an ad from a woman looking for some hot dude she saw in line at Subway. I’ll give you the following details in cliffnotes:

I wrote her [as the hot dude]an email claiming to be the hot dude and thanked her

but had to inform her that I was engaged to a super model and would not cheat.

I told her of my equally hot and single buddy [me]

Emailing her as the hot dude, I gave her my Buddy’s email address [mine]

She wrote me and from there we emailed back and forth getting to know each other.

Then we agreed to meet at a bar on a Saturday night. She would be accompanied there by a friend. A female friend.

With visions of a 3some dancing in my head, I navigated the BEAST [My Toyota Corolla] 45 miles to a dive bar in Stockton, CA. I entered the establishment and quickly scanned the interior searching for the chick and her friend. They were sitting at the corner of the bar, which seemed appropriate because one of them looked the Norm from the TV show ” Cheers”

Just kidding.

She looked like Norm with a wig. And she was the chick I was conversing with via email. Son, I was Dissapoint. But her friend was semi cute. She was 40 years old with blond hair and glasses.
She[ the blond] went to go select some songs from the juke box in the bar. So I sat there and shared a verbal exchange with Normette, thats what I’ll call her throughout the remainder of the story.

Once the music was selected , the 3 of us decided to shoot some pool. Normette played first against some Mexican dude as the blond and I sat on the sidelines and cheered her on.

No, we sat on stools actually. I wasn’t going to correct myself here because I thought the readers would know that I’m attempting to be witty. But I know some of you are tards , so I’ll be as literal as possible.

The blond stood up to watch the game. I got up and stood behind her, putting my hands on her hips and occasionally grinding my wang into her ass. She put forth no resistance. And we remained in this position until the end of the game.

The friend lost the game and rejoined us near the stools.

Blond: Want a drink?

Mchenry: Are you paying for it?

Blond: Sure I have money …and a job.

Mchenry: The purchase whatever will get me drunk the fastest.

She left to get me a long island Ice tea. Normette, who bore witness to the grinding of my wang , said nothing about the incident. Blond chick came back with my drink and I chugged it down in heroic fashion. I was buzzed and up next to shoot pool against the Mexican dude.

And I did so while publicly displaying an erection. Which was noticed by several female bar flies who appreciated the sight. They pointed it out to each other while they gazed into my tsunami blue eyes with looks of astonishment.

In an attempt to impress the bar flies , I sat aside the pool stick and executed a shot with my wang. I scratched.

The cue ball, not my Nut sack.

I ended up losing. Blond chick bought me a few more drinks. I was near unconcious and fondling her boobies. I placed my hand on her chin, tilted it upward and allowed my tongue to invade her lips. She kissed back. I kissed her neck and chest. I attempted to suckle on her boobie through the clothing but she resisted. I slid my hand under her ass and massaged her clitoris.

Blond: You are a naughty boy.

mchenry: I know.

Normette: You two need to get a room.

Blond chick excused herself to take a call outside. Normette sat at the stool near me and made out with me for a period not exceeding 10 seconds. I fondled her ass. Then she needed to use the restroom. I assume it was to ring out her panties due to the Tsunami I summoned from her vagina.

Blond chick came back and sat at the bar where I first met them. She was joined by Normette and I. I made out with the blond while at the same time sliding my hand down the back of Normette’s panties. She allowed it at first then told me to stop. She didn’t want to share. I tried again and the decision was reconfirmed.

I stood the blond chick up , pushed her against a wall and made out with her while thrusting my wang into her pelvis. A group of elderly women fanned themselves as they looked on in awe. An elderly dude in his 60’s tapped me on the shoulder.

old dude: It’s nice to finally see a WHITE Fabio in the bar! Normally the Fabio’s in this place are black.

It was an odd statement to make because I was under the impression that Fabio WAS white. Maybe the accent through him off?

Mchenry: Thank you.

The clock on the wall near where my wang enjoyed several minutes of dry humping, read 1:55 am. The bar was closing. The 3 of us walked outside. My hopes of a 3some were not to be. Normette didn’t share lovers. She didn’t share donuts either, at least, thats what I assumed.

The blond gave me her number and I put it in my cell phone. But I knew she wasn’t hot enough to inspire a second 45 mile journey. I left that night with visions of a 3some, I returned home solo…….AGAIN. As I write this I am currently drinking a “Pepsi One” The time on my computer says 1:40 pm. Which isn’t exactly one but if I were to round it down than it would be……if their were 100 minutes in an hour.

And you know what the first number is one hundred is?

I didn’t think so tard.

The personification of cool

One arm at a time, I slid into the sleeves of my black leather jacket. I felt rebellious , like James Dean in “A Rebel Without A Cause”. The difference however , wasn’t hard to distinguish. McHenry Cruiser always has a cause.

A CAUSE and an Effect. Each time my eyeballs identify the image of a hot babe, the blood in my body redirects itself to my WANG, fills it up like a gas tank, then LOOK OUT, it becomes a lethal weapon illegal in 51 states. That extra state, is the state of confusion. That is the look women give when first glancing at the beast that dwells in my underpants.

If I could, I would knit a miniature black leather jacket for my wang. I’d consider making it a trench coat so my balls didn’t feel left out.

Black leather jackets are cool, Thats never been disputed by anybody. The Fonz knew it. He never left the house without it snuggled firmly against his muscular physique. And HIS prime was in the fifties. Black leather jackets are timeless.

Like Baseball.

As strike in Baseball is bad. In Bowling , it’s good. Thats confusing sh it. You know what isn’t? A hole in one. Thats universal. And I planned on scoring a hole in one by boning a chick I was set to meet courtesy of the plenty off fish dating website.

I sat behind the helm of the ship… ok, thats a metaphor. I was driving my Toyota Corolla. But I like to feel important. And then I made the 45 mile journey to the home of a 28 year old police department dispatcher. She was 5″1. I don’t like short women. They make me feel too manly. Like The Fonz. The line between myself and The Fonz stops at the jacket.

You know what doesn’t stop? My Wang. Nobody can derail the Wang Train.

I greeted the chick with a hug then followed her inside where I took a seat on her couch and cursed myself for making the trip. But that verbal exchange took place inside my own head.

She had 3 kids. I know this fact because they were displayed on her wall in a frame. They were facially challenged, Just like their mother. But my wang doesn’t discriminate. It doesn’t enter a vagina based on color ,race or creed. My wang is a rebel , Like James Dean. If James Dean had testicles.

But he doesn’t. Because I watched a biography on A&E about him. In it, they claimed that he sat at a bar across the street from the wedding of an ex girlfriend of his and cried like a b i t c h.

The dispatcher chick and I decided to go get some grub at Taco Bell. She paid, I didn’t dispute her offer of free burritos. Such an offer wouldn’t be disputed by anybody.

Except James Dean because hes a bitch.

The fast food was purchased and returned with us back to her place. We sat at the dining room table where she showed cell phone pictures of her f u c k buddy. He was ripped and handsome in a manly sort of way. Like The Fonz If The Doc was willing to loan me the DeLorian so that I could travel back to fifty years ago when he was good looking and relevant.

The dude was a married cop and she convinced herself that they were “Best Friends” Which only proves my theory that all women regardless of race, color and creed are retarded. And of course theres always the epic response of :

“Just because YOU are a pervert doesn’t mean that ALL guys are perverts”

But they are wrong. All of us ARE perverts. We just come in different packages. Like Coke and Pepsi. They look different on the outside but they both have the exact same ingredients.

Dispatcher: No, its not like that. We are BEST FRIENDS!

Mchenry: Its BEST FRIENDS to you. To him, its 5 minutes in the patrol car at lunch time. Get a clue. She didn’t take my advice.

Dispatcher: What is that accent you have?

Mchenry: You think I sound gay don’t you?

Dispatcher: A little bit.

Mchenry: Yeah, 60 % of women I meet think I’m gay. I just like to lower their guard with my homo personality then WHAMMY , they get knocked up.

Dispatcher: Its probably more than 60%. The others are just being nice.

Mchenry: Really? Is it just the voice? Or do I look homo as well? or perhaps, do I use gay posture?

Dispatcher: Its just the voice. You actually look like you just got out of the military.

Mchenry: I get that a lot. When I first meet someone they think that. Then I speak. And they are like ” Oh you WERE in the military but then got kicked out for hitting on the drill sargent am I right? It was don’t ask , don’t tell….and you told? But no , I’m not into dudes. Except your cop friend. I’d bend over for him.

Dispatcher: You are funny.

Mchenry: I know. I should be making money off this entertainment. It depresses me that I’m giving it away to you for free. Dispatcher: Wanna watch a movie?

Mchenry: Yes

We settled on the movie “Role Models” I didn’t care that I had already watched it days before. I didn’t plan on paying attention to it. Neither did my Wang. We laid down on the couch and cuddled as the flick began. I began to fondle her legs. But each time I attempted to place a hand on her vagina, she slapped it away.

Dispatcher: No I’m trying to be good.

Mchenry: Be bad, be a rebel.

I took her hand on placed it on my Wang. She stroked it briefly. I unbuckled my belt ,unzipped my pants then unleashed the fury of my wang. She stroked it, briefly.

Dispatcher: I’m not gonna play with your d i c k.

I placed my hand on her chin and allowed my tongue to invade her mouth. She put fourth no resistance. But soon I grew bored. This encounter was not going to move past the beginning stages. Which would have been fine had I been attracted to her. But I wasn’t.

If only she had worn a black leather jacket……… She excused herself to use the restroom. While she was away , I prepared for my grand exit from the home. I Made sure I had my cell phone, wallet, and car keys. It would be the last time I set foot in this home and I didn’t want to leave evidence of my stay.

Unless it was DNA evidence in the form of my Splooge. She walked back into the living room.

Mchenry: How do I get back to the freeway?

Dispatcher: Well I’ll show you, follow me.

She drove with me following behind until the freeway was in site. I didn’t wave as we parted ways. I text.

” You’ll always get hot dudes to f u c k you but they’ll never date you because you are not good enough. Sorry pig. Have a nice day.”

I felt a nice temporary high as I drove home. Heavy gals should not have high self esteem. Because its all built on a lie. And in that instance I fel like the Simon Cowell of relationship advice. Which is cool because he wears black.

Talking To God

The unemployment continues, as does my on going cabin fever. So I did what was suggested to me by various homeless men and truck drivers I’ve met over the years ,throughout my stint as a security guard.

I prayed,

To THE LORD

Which if you think about it, If you crossed paths with Jesus. But didn’t know HE was in fact , Jesus, You wouldn’t ask:

You: Lord, What is the meaning of life?

You’d say: Nah dude, I ain’t got no change for you today. You HOMELESS FUCK.

I conducted a silent prayer as I navigated my Toyota Corolla passed a Meth addicted hooker who asked if I wanted a date.

Well, she didn’t so much “Ask” me, but rather , screamed the offer from a one block distance while pointing to her crotch and suggestively thrusting it in my direction.

Jesus, I have absolutely no idea where my life is headed. Well, physically I hope far away from THAT hooker. Mentally though, I lack focus. I need direction.If you exist and can help me. Then please show me a sign.

I passed a gas station and observed the words:

LOTTO PLAY HERE

Thank you Lord

I made a U Turn and parked in the handicap lane. I walked inside carrying my last 137 dollars and exchanged it for 27 lottery tickets. I was positive that THIS was the sign shown to me by my new savior.

Later , after checking online, I learned that my new life plan had been foiled once again. I hadn’t hit any numbers.

I’m sure Jesus enjoyed a nice big belly laugh at my expense. I imagined him perched on a cloud alongside an angel discussing my fate.

GOD: Hey check out this LOSER praying to me. Look at this TARD.

ANGEL: Hey dude, Show him a SIGN! I bet he’ll pull over.

GOD: OK hold on, Oh Fuck he’s pulling over ha ha I love doing this shit.

Hence the reason I’m an atheist. No expectations. As an atheist , your on your own baby. But you can also do whatever you wanna do without suffering the consequences.

Like Butt sex.

So I sat at home in my bedroom. Comforted only by my 8 pound, near death, York Terrier and a can of Diet Vanilla Pepsi. The Not So Vanilla, Vanilla soda.

I drifted off into a dreamless sleep, much like I imagine the afterlife will be like, when I was awakened by the vibration of a text message.

Sherry: Mchenry, Can my cousin text you?

Mchenry: Sure

Sherry: OK I’ll tell her. Your gonna be nice right?

Mchenry: Of course!

Sherry is the girlfriend of an ex coworker of mine. She is aware of this blog and my sexual escapades. When I read her request , I was reminded of a story I once heard:

An elderly woman once discovered a frozen snake in the snow.She took the snake home. She provided it warmth and food. Over time the old woman had nursed the snake back to health.

One day ,while she was holding the snake, it bit her.

As she lay there dying from the venomous poison entering her blood stream. She asked the snake:

Old lady:Why after finding you, feeding you and nursing you back to health , would you do this to me?

SNAKE: What did you expect bitch? I’m a snake!

Back and forth we text each other. The cousin and I. And in my boredom, I decided to make the 30 minute drive to see her and make out. She assured me that it wouldn’t go any further then that.

Cousin: I just wanna make sure you know that because I don’t want you to be angry.

As A seasoned veteran in the fine art of nailing sweet Poonanny. I knew that what women SAY and what women DO, are two very different things entirely.

I parked on the corner of her street and waited for her to walk to my passenger side door. She was 5″4 and 84 lbs. For the first time I knew what it must have felt like to be a United States soldier, saving a Jew from a Hitler concentration camp.

Mchenry: So how’s life?

Cousin: It’s good.

Mchenry: Is it?

Cousin: Yes

Mchenry: Yes indeed.

I drove down the road until the houses disapeared. I parked alongside an Orchard and shut off the car engine. I pulled her close to my body and engaged her mouth in a joust of Tongue Fu. [Kissing]

I slid my hand up her shirt and unhooked her bra. THe bra was just a formality really.

I had bigger breasts then her. And so do you.

I suckled on her nipples. Unlike other nipples I have suckled on, this one provided me nourishment in the form of breast milk.

I attempted to slide my hand down her panties but was met with great resistance. She brushed my hand away. I unbuckled my belt and unleashed the fury of my Wang [penis]

I placed her hand on it. She gave me hand pleasure. I grabbed a handful of her hair and guided her downward. She gave me mouth pleasure. I extended the seat downward and laid flat on my back.

Twenty seconds later : I don’t wanna do that anymore.

Perhaps I wasn’t Zest fully clean.I placed her hand back on my wang and the hand pleasure continued until she tired out. She switched hands. I grabbed a box of Kleenex I had stashed behind the passenger seat.

BOOM PROTEIN EVERYWHERE

I blasted the contents of my testicles into the kleenex then disposed of it by throwing it out the window.

Mchenry: Well , It’s past my bedtime. We’d better leave before we get murdered out her by Jason Voorhees. [Friday the 13 killer]

Cousin: OK

I drove her back to the corner of the block where I had first picked her up.

As I continued homeward bound. I thought more about God.

When a person of religious faith is stricken with Cancer. Christians say

God has a plan for everyone.

But if that same person was murdered by Jason Voorhees and sliced into bite sized pieces , They’d say :

The Lord works in mysterious ways.

However, If I was face to face with these Christians and said

Hello kind stranger, My name is Jason Voorhees and I’ve come here today, to murder you and then slice you into bite size pieces. But I may reconsider if Jesus shows me a sign.

They’d reply: GOD has given man FREE WILL to do as he pleases.

From all of that , I have drawn one conclusion:

GOD REALLY LIKES TO COVER HIS ASS.

People Skills

Today I met up with a 48 year old from

http://www.plentoffish.com

It was originally supposed to take place last night but I had, at the last minute,in the eleventh hour, somehow , gotten a job. A job doing part time security at David’s Bridal Shower. More on this later.

Usually I’m willing to make the trip to another city to meet a potential conquest. This time however , something felt different. I actually had butterflies in the pit of my stomach. Maybe this woman could be the one! But the most likely scenario was that , other than text and email, I had no other communication with the chick.

She text me upon arrival at a generic version of Starbucks,called “The Bean”. I text her back to tell her I was on the way. I arrived , she was sitting at a table out front. I joined her. Our eyes locked. My heart raced. My hands shook. The planet shifted, I felt the painful thud of Cupid’s arrow penetrate my right, upper buttock.

No, really I just knew this was a huge mistake and wanted to escape. But I was there and it was too late. Time to make the best out of a horrific situation.
She had brown spots of decay on her teeth. Freckled skin. An old , haggard face. The butterflies in my stomach worked there way up to my lungs and impaired my breathing. I had to take a moment to take some deep breaths.

She brought her dog with her. Its name was Princes. She didn’t tell me that but I assumed it because it was written in pink spray paint along side her ribcage. The dog’s ribcage, not hers. I wanted to leave and thus began the negs.

Mchenry: So I assume your freaked out by technology. Cell phones, computers, Its COMPLETE MADNESS ISN’T IT?

Decay girl:No I use them quite often.

Mchenry: Yeah but cars, ya know, thats quite the change from riding a horse to get from place to place AM I Right?

Decay girl: How old did you say you were?   37?

mchenry: Wow I look that old?

Decay girl: you look more like 24.

Mchenry: I’m neither actually, I’m 28

Decay girl: Your profile said 32.

Mchenry: I lied.

Decay girl: Thats deceiving! I don’t like liars.

Mchenry: well, If you met someone on pof and their profile picture showed a bright white, radiant smile, and then you met them and they had spots of brown decay on them, would you call that person a liar?

Decay girl: No, Its still them. Maybe SOME people would.

Mchenry: People like me would.

I don’t think she had a clue I was talking about her specifically.

At this point in the conversation she began bragging about her daughter. EVERYONE has the smartest , most beautiful, most interesting daughter in the world. That’s why I hate talking to parents.

Decay girl: My daughter is 20,lives with her boyfriend and in college!

Mchenry: They’ll break up. She’ll crap out 3 kids, he’ll get bored of the sex, eventually he’ll have to hang glide into her vagina and even THAT will get boring.

Decay girl: That won’t happen, she’s a smart girl!

Mchenry: Being smart has nothing to do with it. Does she have the ability to look into the future? It’ll happen. You’ll see. Every 20 year old think that they’ll beat the odds. That they’ll MAKE IT! They blast “You’re still the one” by Shania Twain on their CD player while they shade there selves from the sun by wearing their rose colored glasses.

Decay girl: So you have a Master’s degree?

Mchenry: NO, I lied about that too. I am LIAR. OUTRAGEOUS!   BLASPHEMY!

Decaygirl: I don’t think I feel a connection here.

Mchenry: Cool, be back in a minute!

I went inside to use the restroom, hopefully, giving her ample time to make an escape. I took a leak and carefully peaked out the front door.

D A M N she was still seated at the table. Plan B. I ESCAPE! I pushed open the door and ran full speed to my car. I peeled out of the parking lot running over a concrete block in the process.

10 MINUTES LATER

I received a text from Decay girl: Good luck Mchenry but I got to go.

I replied: You must have missed me running to my car. I left a while ago.

REMEMBER MY PART TIME JOB???

I received a call from the supervisor who informed me of my termination with the company. He forwarded me the email he was sent from the manager of David’s Bridal. Here are their list of complaints, for your viewing pleasure:

Our new security guard started yesterday. Here are my concerns:

* He had masking tape on his shirt to cover another security companies name
* Customer car broken into right in front of our store, he didn’t even see it
* Did not know who to call about break in/ CSR made the call to report
* Did not walk out any associates leaving building or customers
* Spent time texting while sitting in his chair with back to front window
* Kept trying to engage in conversation with staff while they were cleaning up to close

I truly believe that our guard should exhibit the same professionalism that we expect from our associates. Dress code, conduct etc.
There was no value or sense of security in having this young man here last night.

I also got a call from “Cocaine Addict”

[ Friend from previous adventures who I met in an E.M.T class. He’s addicted to cocaine, hence the name Cocaine Addict]

who met with the EMT company that interviewed me and gave me a ride along. The reason I didn’t get the job? I lack the people skills required for the position. SO they say. However , they DID offer the job to “cocaine addict”.

You’ll be in good hands Northern California.

And maybe he was correct in his opinion of me. I very well lack people skills. And if I can’t cut it as a run of the mill E.M.T. I can’t very well spend 2 years in paramedic school.

[ which I planned to attend]

And so I’m back to square one. I don’t honestly know where to go from here. But I won’t stop believing…

In Butt Sex.

Friends With Benefits

While shaving my nut sack,in preparation for Mobile home girl to play tongue fu with my bunghole, I felt what could only be described as a hard mass/lump/tube/maybe it was nothing at all , but I was alarmed. I am unemployed as you know [or don’t know]  and that means no health insurance. I couldn’t find a free clinic to check me for testicular cancer and despite planned parenthood’s website stating that they provide the service, the few in my area disputed that claim.

SO I did what any reasonable person WOULD do, I browsed online dating profiles looking for anyone with “medical field” or “health care” as their profession so I could email them asking for their services. Most didn’t respond back. Some did, but thought I was asking them to fulfill a strange sexual fetish. I did however find a willing participant, an E.R. nurse,and I met her at Starbucks.

I greeted her in the parking lot and followed her inside.

She bought a flavored coffee or some s h i t and asked me if I wanted something.

Nurse girl: Are you gonna get something?

Mchenry: If your paying for it.

Nurse girl:OK, I’m not cheap.

Mchenry:  Well, your quite the gentleman. I’ll have a regular coffee.

Nurse girl: What! get something good!

Mchenry:  Nah, I don’t wanna intake too many calories.

Starbucks employee: how bout I give you two shots of a vanilla latte in water and you can put some cream in it. If ya don’t like it I’ll give ya a regular coffee

Mchenry:  Sure.

AFTER TWO SIPS

Mchenry: I don’t quite DIG THIS.
Starbucks employee: ok ill get you a coffee

Mchenry:  Splendid

I sat at a table facing Nurse girl.

Mchenry: OK, so are you going to do what you promised to do?

Nurse girl:  Not in here!

Mchenry:  Let’s go out to my car. I’ll park in an isolated spot. We’ll buy gloves at Railey’s. You won’t even have to look as you fondle me.

At this point I mimed the fondling of a nut sack while turning away as not to look as the previously mentioned sack.

Nurse girl: I cant do that here. Maybe my friends house though,I’ll ask her later.

MchenryCruiser: Would it help if you got to know me?

Nurse girl:  Yeah probably.

Mchenry:  You know what I wanna do? I wanna go to a club and dance but I want the club to play house music and have …uummmm flashing lights!  Ya know, like the lights blink on and off , pitch black ,light, pitch black light,know what I mean?

Nurse girl: I think so.

Mchenry: Like I want it to make me feel like I’m in slow motion. Like ya know, what weed makes you feel like ,although I’ve never smoked weed but You can imagine what that would feel like, yes? Dancing, weed, lights on,lights off, booze, GOOD TIMES ,YES?

Nurse girl: Maybe I shouldn’t do it. I can’t diagnose you.

Mchenry:I am not looking for a diagnoses. Just feel my [motion downward] and tell me if something is there  that shouldn’t be there. Thats it.

Nurse girl:  Lemme talk to my friend and I’ll text you later and maybe we can do it at her house.

mchenry:  Are you just saying that because you know you’ll never have to see me again and thus not have to feel my [motion downward gesture]

Nurse girl:no, If I wasn’t going to do it ,I’d say that.

Mchenry: OK , I’ll take you at your word.

We parted ways. My testicles have yet to be fondled by the touch of a gloved hand. And so I carry on. Possibly suffering from testicular cancer. Maybe It’ll be amputated , bagged ,and disposed of in a medical waste container.

But with one remaining love nugget ,I will continue to slay the hood rats……

Until the other succumbs to the cancer and I become nut less. And then once nut less, I will transform my wang into a vagina. Put on lip stick and a dress,

And nose dive into the crotch of a horny lesbian.

Mchenrycruiser: The Hood Rat Slayer

As you may recall, I spent a good few days on

http://www.plentyoffish.com

Searching for an obese, socially retarded whale to support me during the economic crisis. I settled for a 40 year old divorcee With two teenage children who live in a mobile home park.

I did the standard, email first , then Instant message ,followed by attaining her number,calling her and setting up a meeting at Starbucks. I did try to get her to give me a tour of the mobile home because “I’ve never seen one before” but her kids vetoed the idea.

Quick note to the tards: When I use quotation marks, it means I’m lying to gain entry into their bedroom. Or I’m referring to something of a sexual nature.

Once I arrived at Starbucks and and saw how packed it was, I knew I had to resort to plan B,which wasn’t so much a plan as it was “Ive got to find somewhere with no people So I can stick my wang in her mouth” A mouth is a hole. Holes, I stick my wang in them. It started at 12 when I first learned of the life changing experience that is ,Beating Off.

Quick note to the tards: When I say “Wang” ,I mean ” Penis”

I was watching “Beavis And Butt-Head” at the time but I can assure you that there was no correlation. Unlike the time when I beat off to the image of Taylor Hansen [lead singer of 90’s Pop sensation Hansen] , before I knew he was a dude. If their was a hole in my house or the general proximity, my wang has been there.

Couch cushions, toilet paper rolls, The wood pecker hole in the center of a big oak tree in the backyard. No holes were safe. The night my family went bowling and my dad stuck his fingers in the holes as he always did before hurling a gutter ball, well , thats when I learned about the birds and the bees. Only in his version, the bee’s stinger was a penis and he used that penis to have inter- species sex with that bird.

In England, They refer to women as birds

IN MY blog , I refer to women as chicks

But they are similar because they both have wings

And women wear those “wings” for one week out of the month. That time frame is call their period, which is what this rant will end with.

She arrived 5 minutes after me and I greeted her with a hug. She peered into my tsunami blue eyes. It was their that I KNEW that my wang was about to be moistened with a non vaginal substance. She had only been divorced for a few months and was married 18 years. She hadn’t been with another man in over 2 decades. If there is such a thing as pity d i c k , she was about to receive it ,along with its contents.

mchenry:  Look how packed this place is, its CRAZY!

mobile home girl: I know ,it gets pretty busy

mchenry: let’s go somewhere more private

mobile home girl: OK theres a park across the street. Wanna go there?

mchenry: Sure!

So with that, we walked back to my car. I opened the door for her, which marked the first gentleman like act Ive ever done for a person. But like the good servant ,I felt it was important to show manners. Because the proper seating of my customers , always takes place right before I blast them in the face with an order from the “Dangling Diner”. If there was such a place, Id like very much to be employed there. But Id never eat the food.

I escorted her to the parking lot of the park. I shut off the engine and radio so that we were now in complete darkness. I then charmed her with witty banter.

Mchenry: So where do you work?

Mobile Home Girl: I work at Mcdonalds.

Mchenry: Ha ha no seriously.

Mobile Home Girl: I work at McDonalds!

Mchenry: Oh well, at least you HAVE a job.

Mobile Home Girl: What’s wrong with my job??!!

Mchenry: Nothing, I’m just giving you a hard time [awkward chuckle]

Mchenry: Buurrrrrr its getting cold.

I wrapped my arm around her body and pulled her towards me. She didn’t resist. I began to rub her legs and ass. She didn’t resist. I slid my hand down the back of her panties. She didn’t resist. Either she was a slut ,or after 20 years ,she just needed some d i c k with that New car smell.

I placed my hand on her chin and lifted her head upward. Her eyes met mine. I went in for the kiss. She got better as it progressed. Its just like riding a bike. If that bike tasted like cigarettes. And if that bike tasted like cigarettes, I’d stop licking it.

I placed her hand on my wang. She resisted THAT ,at first. So I kissed her a few minutes more,then I tried again. This time she rubbed it. So I struggled with my belt to unleash it. She heard the noise,especially the sound of the zipper moving downward. She KNEW it was coming. She was about to be face to face with the beast known as CockZilla: The Lady Thrilla.

I unleashed the fury of my wang and placed her hand on it again. She stroked it as I kissed her neck. I grabbed a handful of her hair and forced her head downward. She gasp “OH YOU WANT ME TO SUCK IT” Then that she did. My wang had blown the dust off that mouth of hers as it came out of retirement to return to the league.

Mchenry: Suck on my balls!

Mobile Home Girl: oh you like that?!

Mchenry: ya!

She sucked on my balls. Normally when I demand the sucking of my balls, the girl will reply with ,”How am I supposed to do that” and I’ll say “One at a time”. They’ll do it for literally 30 seconds then say “Does this really DO ANYTHING for you?”

However this older chick really took to suckling my testicles. Then she went back to sucking my shaft. I stuck my hand down the back of her panties and placed a finger in the crack of her ass. Usually when I do that Ill be greeted with slivers of toilet paper but this chick was clean.

She focused a bit much on the head which made me wanna laugh. I bit down on my hand. But it was too much and I began to moan in an attempt to disguise my laughter. But she took that as a sign that I loved what she was doing and focused even more on the head.

Mchenry: ohohohohoh ohohohohoh suck my balls. MY FUCK IN BALLS. SUCK THEM.

she moved downward to the balls and I was able to compose myself.

Mobile Home Girl: Oh you like that baby? You gonna c u m for me huh?

She was talking dirty. And that was HOT.

She stroked my with her hand and mouth at the same time.

Mchenry:FASTER

She chuckled the kind of chuckle that indicated that she KNEW i was about to blast her in the face. She turned  up the power to warp speed.

Mchenry: Oh god I’m gonna cum

BOOM PROTEIN EVERYWHERE.

She removed her mouth from the wrath of my wang. I wasn’t expecting THAT. I erupted like a volcano all over the interior of my car. Bucket loads of wang juice covered my semi nude body.

Mobile Home Girl:  Wow THAT was a good one!!!

Mchenry: Yuck. Hand me the tissues on the back seat.

I cleaned my shaft and balls and she watched in delight of the sight [unintentional rhyme] I rolled down my window to throw the tissues out onto the pavement.

Mobile Home Girl:  Don’t do that lol I think we can find a trash can.

Mchenry: The WORLD is my trash can.

I pulled my pants up and buttoned them. I wanted to leave. She wanted to cuddle. D A M N. So thats what we did. For like 20 minutes.

Mobile Home Girl: don’t worry,you’ll meet my kids soon enough.

Oh no, I thought, WHAT DID I DO??

Mchenry: Ummm cool?

Mobile Home Girl: I guess you can come home with me if you want.

Mchenry: What about your kids?

Mobile Home Girl: They’ll have to understand that I want to get to know someone.

Mchenry: Ahh I see, well its way past my bed time.

Mobile Home Girl: are you gonna see me again??

Mchenry: Of course

Mobilehomegirl: this is the first time Ive siled in a long time.

Oh Know, WHAT DID I DO!

Mobile Home Girl:  Your good lookin!

Mchenry:   Thank you

At least she didn’t say I looked weird.

Then I drove her back to the parking lot of Starbucks. We cuddled some more. She wanted to kiss me. I knew that. I also knew that I didn’t want the taste of wang juice to invade my taste buds. But it had been awhile so I figured the saliva must have washed it away by this point. I kissed her again and we said our goodbyes.

I drove home with the knowledge that Id never see her again. I didn’t feel bad about lying to her. I didn’t feel good either. Just indifferent. I pondered that thought as the salty taste of wang juice lingered in my mouth.

Mchenrycruiser:The Hood rat Slayer is no more.

I arrived home and checked the mail. In it was a letter from an ambulance company I applied for and interviewed for. “YA! REDEMPTION MOTHA F U C K A”
I thought as I opened it to read its contents.

“Were sorry to inform you that we’ve chosen another candidate for the position you applied for. Good luck in your future endeavors.”

I waver back and fourth as to what it is that I want from this life. I don’t know the answer yet. But I do know that I am tired of being a nobody. I’m tired of HAVING nobody. I’m not retiring from the game. But I do look forward to it. I’m tired of running from the truth.

Because the truth is, I’m not done with hood rats. I haven’t even scratched the surface.

But I have scratched the rash on my nut sack.

6 Degrees of Mchenrycruiser

The day after I did my touching rendition of Chris Brown’s ” With You”

[R an B song]

I returned to the same bowling alley to reconnect with an old friend and make good on a promise I made her years before. Which was to buy her a drink. She was leery that I’d attempt a sexual advance.

Rachael: I am letting you know right now that I have no intentions of sleeping with you.

Mchenry: No woman does. They just wake up and are like “WHAT DID YOU PUT IN MY DRINK?”

Rachael:……

Mchenry: Just Kidding

We sat at the bar and talked about old times. We were co workers at a security company and would frequently visit each others work site to make out. Shed let me slide my hand down the back of her panties and dry hump her.

However, Her Boobies
were off limits.

I didn’t nail her either. I’d have had to commit to get that far and back then I wasn’t as much of an a$$hole.

Flash forward to present day where the last few hours Ive been searching online dating sites to find the nastiest , most obese centerfold for meat magazine I can find  who may be willing to support me during this economic crisis.

I know its a scummy thing to do. But I’m down to that or whoring myself out to dudes for money.

She’s basically a female AFC [ Average Frustrated Chump]and complained about the lack of male attention she received the day before at a bar. We finished our drinks and I waited for her in the lobby while she used the restroom. She didn’t lock the door.

This was discovered when an old black homeless lady walked inside and opened the door on her exposing Rachael seated on the toilet, panties around her ankles , sporting an “O”  [ Shock] face. It wasn’t as hot as the pictures in Hustler Magazine.

She composed herself and we sat outside. She smoked a cigarette.

Mchenry: Burrrr its cold, Im going to use your body heat for warmth. Dont be afraid.

Rachael:  Lol ok

I wrapped my arms around her waist and rested my chin on her shoulder.

She flipped through her cell phone to show me pictures of a shirtless dude with chest hair like Burt Reynolds.

Mchenry:  Wow hes RIPPED!

WOW , So its come to this. Here I was.

Mchenrycruiser or as the ladies refer to as “Cockasaurus Rex:The Sultan of sex” ,

rooting on a woman to have sexual relations with a guy that wasn’t me and to floss her teeth with his chest hair.

I’ve come a long way since the time when I boned a Milf in her forties then afterwards, attempted to seduce her 21 year old daughter, so that I could complete

“The circle of life” [ Also an Elton John song]

It didn’t work but that moment DID mark the first time I referenced a phrase in an animated film to score sweet poonanny. [ vagina]

Rachael finished her cigarette and we walked back to her car where we shared an embrace. It was beautiful in its simplicity. It was like two souls merging together to form one being. I slid my hand down her back and lingered on the upper half of her a$$. Well that just killed the romantic tone I was going for sorry.

I released her from my Kung Fu grip and our eyes met. I could have kissed her there and she’d let me. A tsunami of vaginal fluid would have spilled from her panties and forever stained the pavement below. Id need an inflatable raft to row to safety. And if that raft had only room for one , I might lose a good friend. I didn’t want to tarnish our friendship.

Fast Forward to Thursday Night. I had another internet meet up at Starbucks with a 25 year old self proclaimed nerd.

Nerd: Are you getting a coffee?

Mchenry: Yeah if your paying.

Nerd: OK

And thats the advantage of dating nerd girls. Nerd girls are afc’s. And afc’s pay for everything. We sat at a table and shared conversation.

Nerd: I’ve been reading a book about the German god “Odin”

Mchenry: Never heard of him

Nerd: He’s a famous god!

Mchenry: If he was famous id know who he was.

Nerd: Well he’s really old!

Mchenry: yeah so is Jesus but I’ve HEARD of him. I think Odin need a new publicist. Odin needs to figure out who the publicist of Jesus is and hire THAT guy.

nerd: …

She informed me that her sister was the regional manager of all taco bell’s in the state. Remembering the current economic crisis , I pleaded for her help in gaining employment within the franchise. She promised to help.

Nerd girl is in college and is a philosophy major but currently working as a Barista at Starbucks, a different location then where we were currently.

mchenry: So what do you want to become?

nerd: I dunno. I just want the degree.

mchenry: I know what you should do!

nerd: Really? What?

mchenry: Become the regional manager of Del Taco and challenge your sister to a duel using burritos like light sabers.

[darth vader voive] LUKE , I said hold the onions.

Nerd:…..

I finished the coffee and persuaded her to buy me a vanilla late. Then as Starbucks was closing ,we walked outside

Mchenry: Burrrrr I’m cold, I’m gonna use your body heat for warmth. Do not be alarmed.

nerd:  okay

I wrapped my arms around her waist and began to kiss her neck while grinding my wang into her a$$. She allowed me at first then turned away.

Nerd: Lol not in public!

I forgot the line I used here but I do recall that I blatantly stole it from a DR. Phil episode I watched earlier that day. It has to do with not caring what others think of you.

She told me to text her sometime. I assured her that I would.

I knew she wouldn’t put out or touch by wang. I am quite fond of her though.

Fast forward to Saturday night. I received a call from the drunken bar chick who was pushed by billy. If you recall that incident then you also know that I was owed a massage in return for the drama she created that night.

[ If you don’t recall, it’s because you’ve not read that Feild Report yet]

However, she didn’t deliver on that promise. But she DID invite me to a crap dinner at a restaurant not far from my house.

I drove to the parking lot of a grocery store to meet her for a ride. From there, we traveled to the restaurant.

Bar girl: So whats new with your life?

Mchenry: Nothing. Although I AM contemplating jumping off the golden gate bridge.

Bar girl:  Lol don’t say that and besides, what if you only break your legs?

Mchenry: I’ll dive head first or belly flop.

Bar girl: wow lol I really like the honesty.

Mchenry: So whats up with that job you were supposed to get me? [ worker at a group home]

Bar girl: I haven’t heard back from them

Mchenry: Bitch, just being honest like you like.

We arrived at the restaurant and walked inside to meet up with her friends. It was a couple in their mid to late 30’s. She had warned me earlier that they were “Hicks”. 40 % of people I meet suspect that I am gay due to my metro look.I was again wearing the “Lion shirt”. [ worn in previous adventures that made some women think I was gay]

Shit was about to get real.

The husband looked eerily similar to Tim Allen’s bearded side kick on “Home Improvement”[ 90’s TV Sitcom]

I shook their hands and took my seat at the table. They were half way through their meal of crab legs.

Bar girl: Sorry we are late lol.

Wife: That’s ok your always late!

Mchenry: With you she’s just late. With me,  she just stands me up completely.

Husband: She’s not late. It just takes her 2 days to get ready.

Mchenry: Well I just wait in my car with a sleeping bag for like a day and a half and then finally when I realize she’s not coming,thats when I pack it in and head home.

Bar girl: You gonna order anything to eat?

Mchenry: Yeah if your paying.

Bar girl: Well I’m not hungry so lets just order from the appetizer menu. What do you want to get?

Mchenry: ummm [I scrolled down the list of choices] The chicken wings! [i needed my protein, I lift weights]

We chatted some while waiting for the wings

Bar girl: I’m getting a strawberry vodka, do you want one?

Mchenry: Yeah…if your paying.

bargirl:  OK lol

The chicken wings arrived and so did the drinks. I sipped it down. Halfway through I was buzzed. We finished the meal and headed into the bar area for more booze. I asked for and received another strawberry vodka.

Mchenry: I’m not cheap, I’m just unemployed.

Husband: Don’t worry, I’ll probably be too soon.

Mchenry:  What do you do?

Husband: I work at Bass Pro shop

Mchenry:  Are they hiring?

Husband: No

After the drinks, we excused ourselves to leave. Bar girl drove me back to the parking lot. During the drive their she humored me with a story of her sexual escapades the night before. She apparently had hot sex with a dude she had just met that night in Vegas.

Mchenry:  Was a girl involved?

Bar girl:  lol which time?

Mchenry: NO WAY. Will you have a 3some with me?

Bar girl: ok lol but I’m picky on the women I sleep with.

Mchenry: SPLENDID!

I exited her vehicle and bid her fair well. I felt a vibration in my right pant’s pocket. It was a call.

Mchenry: Hello?

Whats up? Wanna do something?

It was nerd girl from Starbucks.

Mchenry: What do you wanna do?

Nerd girl: I WANNA DANCE!!!

Mchenry:  But I’m drunk and in a grocery store parking lot.

Nerd: I’ll come get you!

Mchenry: ok bring booze because I don’t wanna lose my buzz.

40 MINUTES LATER

She arrived and I entered her car and sat down.

nerd: my mom has some Smirnoff Ice [alcohol] in the freezer. We’ll go back to my house and hang out until eleven or so then go to the club.

I felt uneasy because last time I went to the club I displayed the worst dancing in the history of mankind.

[ Read post entitled “I said I’d always be there for her, 5 years later I was balls deep in her sister”]

But this was my first chance at redemption. I had to man up and make magic happen.

During the ride there she made several “Harold and Kumar” references and gave ma a nice little recap of the movie and its sequel which I’ve never seen. She was a fan of Niel Patrick Harris.

[ gay actor from Doogie Howser M.D.and How I met your mother]

Mchenry: You knew he’s gay right

Nerd: No lol he is? But in the movie he’s always talking about pussy!

Mchenry: He likes to be pounded in the ass like a jackhammer.

Nerd: really! He is even more interesting now!

Mchenry: Oh so you are a fan of the gays?

Nerd: Yeah I love gay people!

Mchenry: You know, 40 % of people I meet think I am gay!

Nerd: It’s probably because you have style and dress well.

Mchenry: I know! I was trying to explain that to a dude today. Finally I just said “dude, if you don’t stop calling me gay , I’m going to stop sucking your cock!

Nerd: LOL THATS SO FUNNY.

Mchenry: I am just kidding.  OR AM I?

We arrived at her house and went inside.

She got the Smirnoff Ice out of the fridge. I drank one and then another. She turned on some music and began to dance.

Mchenry: I can’t dance. I don’t know how. TEACH ME.

She took my hand and guided me gently off the couch. I began to grind on her ass and rub her body from behind. I was fully aroused. She then excused herself to put on some make up in the bathroom. I followed her inside ,wrapped my arms around her waist and began kissing her neck.

Nerd: Lol stop I’m trying to put on make up!

Mchenry: Hurry up then I don’t wanna lose my buzz.

I walked into the living room and grabbed her half drunken Smirnoff and watched it make the journey from her bottle to my mouth. I was in and out conciousness.I’m a light weight.

Fast Forward

Now we are in her car on our way to the club. I placed my hand on her inner thigh and gently massaged her leg.

Nerd: I used to date this one guy and he called me a Goddess at giving blow jobs!

Mchenry: Really? good times. So you gonna prove that to me

Nerd: ummm I think I’ve built it up too much now. You’d be dissapointed.

Mchenry: …..Bitch, I only say that because I know you appreciate honesty.

nerd: What the fuck?

Oh right, that was bar girl. Damn.

Mchenry: Why do you get mad at the things I say when I’m drunk?

Nerd: ……..

We parked at the club and got out to wait in line. A group of hot Hispanic chicks in their early twenties walked past us.

Nerd: here come the sluts!

Mchenry: WHERE! Oh thats just offensive. I am disgusted.

My Wang began to grow like Pinnochio’s nose when he lies.

[Disney Character]

She ordered me a beer and some other kind of drink that I chugged down quickly. She guided me to the dance floor. Hot chicks were eye fucking me as I walked past. This was the second time in my life Ive been to a club and the first time I’ve enjoyed it.

I ground my Cockasaurus Rex into her ass and lower back. I wanted to bend her over and score a hole in one. I felt her Boobies and tweaked her nipples pretending they were the knob on a radio. I observed a group of young looking white dudes wearing affliction shirts and dancing together in a group with no chicks. It struck me as odd. I watched then snapping their fingers and doing the “head bob” It was hypnotic.

I began to snap my fingers and do the “head bob”

Nerd girl gave me a bewildered look and sat down in a chair by the dance floor. I straddled her and ground my wang into her pussy while giving her the worst lap dance in the history of man kind. I blacked out. Then I came to and we were in the smoking area of the club and seated in individual chairs. She was on her phone with a female friend of hers. She wanted to go hang out with her at another bar.

FAST Forward

We walked down the street to meet up with her friend but first stopped at a different bar to go to the bathroom. I heard a voice shout my name As I made my way through the bodies. “Hey Mchenry” It was my friend rachael with a date.

Mchenry: RACHAEL?

Rachael: Yeah lol

Mchenry: Is that Greg? [ Her Ex]

Rachael: No LOL

Mchenry: Oh I thought You were her babies daddy! You look similar. But YOU are very tall, and large. You could probably hurt me in a fight. You would destroy me. I am fragile.

I’m a pu$$Y when intoxicated.

Mchenry: I’ve never boned Rachael! I tried several time but she rejected me. I said ” wanna f u c k ?” and she was like  “Nope” Excuse me I gotta piss.

After I came out of the bathroom, I introduced Rachael to nerd girl.

They chatted for a bit.

Mchenry to nerd girl: We better leave. I don’t wanna ruin their date. Plus her date is very tall, and large and his eyes are shifting almost as if to say “That F U C K I N G mchenry!”

Rachael:  LOL

The date: Lol nah i wasn’t thinking that.

We left the bar and walked a half block to another where we met up with the friend . The music was loud and I couldn’t overhear the conversation. But the friend was cute and visions of glorious 3 way sex danced in my head. Both of them.

Next, myself, nerd girl and the cute friend began to dance. I was to the side of nerd girl at first but inched my way in between them. I placed my hands on nerd girls back and the friend’s as well. She didn’t resist. She wanted to chow down at the “Dangling Diner” [My wang]  I wanted to be her waiter.

But nerd girl’s jealousy took over and she demanded that we leave the bar claiming to be “tired” Tired of the cruiser fondling that sweet ass maybe. I should have gotten the friend’s number but I afraid Id be abandoned and left to fend for myself with no ride or place of my own to layeth the mack down.

Fast Forward

We were on the road again. We stopped off at Taco Bell to grab some food to help us sober up.

Mchenry: We should have went to Dell Taco!

Nerd: I hate Dell Taco!

Mchenry: With that attitude I wouldn’t expect to become the regional manager anytime soon.

Fast Forward

Now we were back at the parking lot next to my car. My hand was still on her thigh. I opened the car door but then gently touched her chin in my hand and guided her towards me. I kissed her. She kissed back. My tongue entered her mouth and her’s into mine.

Nerd:  Yuck you taste like taco bell, kiss my neck.

I kissed her neck.

Nerd:  lol ok thats enough. Ive gotta go.

Mchenry: Bitch  [ Said in a joking manner]

And then we parted ways for the second time in two days. I lingered there in the parking lot for several moments , under the light of the moon and came to one conclusion.

I would never be able to top this night .

Unless another night includes Butt Sex.

Fun With Foriegners

I conversed over the phone with a 43 year old woman from pof. Due to my unemployment, not only have I scraped the bottom of the barrel for some dating excitement, Ive rented a jack hammer and managed to unearth a few more feet. Disgusting feet, With yellow toe nails and callouses. Where I am going with this?

Plentyoffish.com has a lotta ugly chicks,thats what I mean. These aren’t the type of fish that you put on display in a tank, in you living room. This is the kind of fish you catch in a net,chop into slivers and feed to your cat. But I’m bored and so I date women for sport. My weapon of choice, a wang. I stick my wang in things.

SO I was talking to this chick and things were going ok until I received a pic of her via text. She looked like a Pocahontas,the Indian princess……..if Pocahontas was fat with f u c k e d up teeth and not very attractive.

In other words,she looked nothing like paocahontas the Indian princess. Sorry, I should have clarified that earlier. I let loose when I talk to fat chicks. I test out all my new material on fat chicks to see how it goes over. I don’t care if I offend them.Its like a comedian that tries out new material in s h i t t y comedy clubs before sharing it with the world on The Tonight Show. In other words, fat chicks are my s h i t t y comedy club.

mchenry: have you ever burried your face,ears deep ,in a man’s a$$hole?

indiangirl:OMG you r a pig

mchenry: did you know pigs have 30 minute orgasms?

indiangirl:no And I don’t care

mchenry:I knew that ,but you know who does?Jessica Simpson

indiangirl:I dont care about celebrities!

mchenry:I figured that but you know who does?TMZ! and they’ll soon be reporting the Jessica Simpson’s orgasms will be extended by 29 minutes and 45 seconds.

Because she got fat.

indiangirl:WTF are you talking about

mchenry: IM just talkin bout SHAFT!

CLICK.

She hung up. But I didn’t care. You know how when your paying for eggs at the store and they cost 2.99 , so you give them 3 one dollar bills, and they give you back a penny? But instead of putting the penny in your wallet, you throw it on the ground. I care more about THAT penny then I do fat chicks.

I don’t think fat chicks throw pennies though. I think they care about the environment. This one in particular recycles. I know this because instead of deleting my number like any rational human being would, she gave it to her friend.

Hmm I sure have some s h i t t y segways in this story.

SO the friend calls me and she’s Hindu which I thought meant black at the time. Turns out though,that its the fiji islands or some s h i t that shes from. So we talk and she had a funny accent that I didn’t like. A chick with a funny accent might as well be a fat chick.

mchenry: Send me a nude photo of yourself,I’m horny

hindugirl: OMG your a perv

mchenry: i don’t apologise for being a sexual being. Photos,send them,now

She didn’t send the nudes I requested but did in fact send a photo. She was fat. DOUBLE WHAMMY.Fat chick + funny accent= Jessica Simpson and I’d hit that.Refer to paragraph # 2. “I stick my wang in things”

SO I kept hounding her to meet me. If she declined,Id hang up on her. When I did that,shed call me back or text me. And this went on for a period of 3 days. But I finally got her to agree to meet me in the parking lot of Mcdonalds. But she didn’t come alone. She brought the Indian friend.

As I approached them ,the Hindu greeted me with a heartfelt compliment…

hindugirl: you look weird

mchenry:ummm is that bad?

hindu girl:i dunno, I mean ,you just look different

mchenry: in a bad way or a good way?

hindu girl: I dunno

I half thought about turning around and making a mad dash for my car but instead pressed on.We walked inside where the Indian friend placed an order. The Hindu walked over to sit at a booth near the back entrance.I followed behind. She was 5″1 slightly fat with horrible skin. She looked like Seal,the singer not the animal. She walked like the Penguin. The animal, not the villain in Batman. Although The villain in Batman DID in fact , walk like the animal, so please disregard my earlier observation.

She sat down. I sat beside her. I caught her starring at my crotch.

“She must WANT IT”i thought. She looked nervous, or scared, or disgusted. I wasn”t sure which.

mchenry: are you nervous

hindugirl:a little

mchenry:do you want me to leave

hindugirl:no its ok

mchenry:then what is it?

hindugirl: nothing

mchenry: you don”t like the way I look?

hindugirl:its not that. wheres my friend?

She kept peeking around the corner to see if her friend was coming to save the day. I couldn’t believe she felt the NEED to be saved. I should have been swept off my feet in this Beauty and The Beast scenario. Instead ,I was made aware from the start that I was the elephant in the room. How ironic.

The friend returned and talked about the guys she met on pof. Rather, the guys she spoke on the phone too. as she rambled I thought

“Well, I”m here,shes here. I may as well try to cop a feel. She is fat,so who cares what happens. Shes my s h i t t y comedy club.”

I placed my hand on her upper thigh. She pushed it away.

hindugirl: DON”T TOUCH ME!

mchenry:lol what?

I tried again.

DON’T TOUCH ME.I don’t like to be touched.

mchenry:fine Ill touch your friend instead.

I got up and attempted to sit by the friend but she scooted to the edge of the seat to prevent it. DON’T TOUCH ME. I was getting it from both sides now.I sat back down by the Hindu. My mind began to wonder. I looked at the Indian friend who made eye contact with the Hindu,giving a “look” as if it were some sort of non verbal apology. I looked at the Hindu ,who stared at the wall with a look of “help me” on her face. I couldn’t belive she felt the NEED to be helped.

I leaned over ,on the edge of my seat and on the balls of my feet [unintentional rhyme]

mchenry: I gotta go see ya later

I said that as I made a mad dash out the back entrance. They probably caught only half of my fair well greeting. I ran to my car and peeled out of the parking lot and a bad situation. I received a text

hindugirl: see you suck

and another

hindugirl: don’t ever call me again

mchenry: I wasn’t going to lol

hindugirl: you look like a f a g you should be meeting guys not girls

mchenry: you look fat and ugly

hindugirl: i like the way I look

mchenry:f u c k off Osama

Considering the source, It didn’t hurt my self esteem any. I went to the gym across the street where I was complimented by the hottie at the front desk.

hottie:I like your shirt

mchenry:thanks cuz someone just swore that I was gay for wearing this

hottie:no i like it,its not boring like most of the shirts guys wear

mchenry: thanks now the odds are 50-50 that I’m straight. Hope I get more compliments on it so the odds go up.
It was a yellow ,beaded Lion Shirt.

Channeling The Cruiser

What took place on this night was yet another plentyoffish.com encounter , you’ll notice that most the women I “Date” are from this particular site. A site chalk full of single moms, fat chicks, and attention whores

SO I was set to meet another facially challenged fem-tard at the bowling alley. She Had met members of her roller derby team at the bar area inside. I had earlier agreed to be a referee for the team during their practice games. I debuted a new shirt that I hoped would enable me to Macgiver off some panties later in the evening. It was a flashy yellow LION shirt. YEA BABY ,all those wolf shirt wearing wuss boys in the misc can take a back seat.

Thrown over that was my black leather jacket that made me look like a guido/emo hybrid. I strutted into the bowling alley and text her to get her location. She walked out and greeted me with a hug. “This bitch wants to dine at the dangling diner yea” I thought as I rubbed my chin,perhaps something would be rubbing HER chin later in the evening.

She walked me over to the table where her roller derby friends were seated. There were 3 of them. One was wearing a pink cast because she had broken her foot. She was the coach of the team and not bad on the eyes, if they were squinted and looking through a dirty window from a very far distance. Another was a dumpy fat girl. The third was actually cute and I half thought about attempting a number close on her at some point.

Then as I was conversing with Melanie,the girl I was meeting there, the cute chick looked at her 2 friends and did the tongue sticking out,finger down her throat ,gag maneuver that signaled the end to any hopes of a number close. This meeting was just a test run to see if we liked each other enough to go through with the real plan of going to her friends house to play Guitar Hero and get wasted.

I was down and so was she, Although,I don’t know why she was flattered by my choice. I just wanted out of the house. I would have agreed to a date with pre-weight loss habitual health if it meant free booze. I planned on throwing a retirement party for my liver. And then a house warming party for the new one after the transplant was completed.

And she, like the gentlemen she was ,drove me over the the friends house where we unloaded the guitar hero mic,drums,guitar, and system console. Now Melanie was white so I was surprised to be greeted by a house full of Vodka inhanced mexicans. It was a nice place though with a plasma tv. I shook hands and made eye contact with Jose Cuervo.

I mixed some alcohol with diet pepsi and chugged it down. There was no time to savor the flavor. I made myself a sequel and chugged that as well. Then the trilogy , which was a tall glass of straight vodka. I was black out drunk and on the verge of not knowing what I was saying before I said it.

I remember one conversation I had with a woman whose son was locked up for robbing a liquor store for 11 dollars.

mchenry: 11 dollars? did he get a felony?

woman: Yes

mchenry:thats bloody outrageous, It wasn’t even grand larson!

melanie:hes fun isn’t he!

Apparently I become both British AND a legal expert when intoxicated.

I recall my attempt at playing guitar hero as the guitarist and failing miserably with my game ending several minutes before the other members of the band. Melanie sat on my lap. Damn whisky d ick prevented me from enjoying the moment. I rubbed her legs and back. She didn’t stop me, but then again ,she had two kids from two different fathers. She probably wouldn’t have stopped most people.

I drank another drink and lost all sense of reality. I was challenged to a singing competition. I chose the song. Chris Brown : with you.
I dropped to my knees as the song began

mchenry: oh i need ya boo oh i wanna feel ya boo and the hearts all over the world tonight and the hearts all over the world tonight.

I didn’t even know if those were the exact lyrics but I teared up. I’m a sensitive drunk. Haven’t I covered that? Once the song completed , I was hailed as the victor! But my fame was fleeting ,I lost the next round.More time passed and I kept having to take leak after leak in the bathroom ,excreting the booze. I half thought about drinking my own urine in hopes that somehow I could catch another buzz.

It came time to wrap up the night. AT this point , I was in and out of conciousness and awoke to fair wells such as “BY DRUNK GUY” and the ever so heart felt “see ya later, drunk guy”

We loaded the guitar hero accessories back into Melanie’s car and departed.

melanie: do you think you can drive home?

mchenry: I know I can drive home, but the question SHOULD be, can you drive home without getting a D.U.I.? the answer is NO.

malaniek lets go get some food ,that will sober you up.

mchenry:lets go to IHOP. I want some f u c k i n french TOAST. I said mimicking the drunk chick in “The 40 year old virgin”

We arrived at IHOP and were seated. I had some F U C K I N FRENCH TOAST. She had an omlette I think. I also had some coffee, it tasted like urine. Maybe coffee just tastes like urine when I’m drunk?Ill have to research that. We talked about ……sh it i dunno ,i was starring at her cleavage.She knew it too but didn’t question me about it.

Once we were finished i asked

mchenry:wanna split the bill?

melanie:umm ok

I saw a look of heartbreak on her face, i expected annoyance, anger, possibly dissapointment , but never this. I was confused but still I had her pay the tip as well.

On the walk to her car ,I wrapped my arms around her body and pressed my schlong into her a$$. She didn’t object. We sat in the car and I hugged her

mchenry:burrrr its cold, I need to use your body heat

I touch her face with my hand ,pulled it towards me and kissed her. And that kiss turned into full on tongue fu. I groped her breasts. Then we stopped and she drove me back to the bowling alley. My car was still there,thank god, not that I’m a believer or anything. The fung fu match continued. I kissed her neck and made my way to her t itties and unwrapped them like a christmas present. I sucked on her nipples,one then the other. I alternated neck and nipples. I put her hand on my schlong, she rubbed it,so I whipped it out. She rubbed my sack with gentle ease.

She stroked it too but not with enough force to plaster her car with my DNA. Then she told me she had to go.

mchenry: well theres a dumpster in the corner,just squat behind that or something………..

melanie:no i mean, i have to leave. I gotta wake up early.

mchenry: ……oh ohhhhhh ok

Damn Im a charming mother f u c k e r .

Then we parted ways. I drove home satisfied more then the typical outing. I was a bit more attracted to her then previous “DATES” that Ive been on. And yet not enough to commit or even see her again. I’m not a hypocrate. I am willing to commit. But I’m not willing to settle. SO then why do I see women in a social setting when I know for certain that they are not nor will ever be the one.

I dunno. Its my recreation. Some people play video games,others golf,some bowl.

I just choose to use my fingers else where , and put by balls in a different kind of hole. But one day, when I find the RIGHT hole, ill put my balls in it, and leave them there.

Like A Zombie

Dec 21, 2008

I experienced a severe case of cabin fever tonight. I needed to get out of the house and into some vagina or a closed fist,either would suffice. When I get lonely and hunger for companionship, My wang MUST be included. TOM AND JERRY……..PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY…..CHEECH AND CHONG…..ME AND MY WANG, ok ,so it doesn’t quite have the same ring to it but our partnership should always be assumed.

And so I set out on a journey that would take me to far and distant places in

search of that one special woman , a soul mate perhaps,who ,with one mere glance, would forever capture my heart.

NAH, I just logged onto http://www.plentyoffish.com to find a slut. I instant messaged a rather hefty gal and asked her if she had plans for the evening. She didn’t. Just to test the waters, I invited her to my home to watch a movie with me. She accepted. Then I requested to move the activity to HER place, I obviously wasn’t going allow my parents to see me with a sub par looking individual, a big beer bellied b i t c h, a centerfold for meat magazine.

She had 2 kids and was uncomfortable with the idea of meeting there. I then suggested my car and she agreed. She made the 20 minute journey to my small hometown in bum f u c k Egypt and we met in the parking lot of a taco bell. I felt butterflies in my stomach.

The idea of meeting a stranger, whom id never spoken to ,appealed to me greatly.She text me once she arrived and informed me that she was driving a blue Nissan. I drove there and parked beside her. We both exited our vehicles and shared an embrace…….it was beautiful in its simplicity, It was as if 2 souls had merged together into one ,we were practically sharing the same heart……

I hope not, She was one cheeseburger away from a heart attack
And sloppy
Her car was dirty
My c o c k went floppy
but I couldn’t stop me
I was like a zombie
But not the walking dead
Just a dude ,online dating, to get some head

Ill slide my hands up her shirt
to undue her bra strap
and be unable to find it
because its lost in her back fat

its like a disease
this testosterone
keeps me up for days
to find a fat chick to bone
when I’m alone and no one will know
Ill take some nookie
from a girl on a diet of ice cream and cookies/end rap

mchenry: you have a nice car,lets take a ride in it

sloppy girl: ok

I climbed into the passenger seat and advised her on which direction to go.

mchenry: so ummm hows life

sloppy girl:its ok

mchenry:just ok?

sloppy girl:ya

The conversation was awkward and I was loving it. It heightened the excitement for me for some reason. The fog was dense. We pulled onto the side of an orchard road. I grabbed a fist full of her hair and darted my tongue down her throat.I put her hand on my wang. She rubbed it. I whipped it out and placed her hand on it.

She began to milk me like a cow. It felt good. She stopped at periods during the make out session. Probably to reflect upon how much of a whore she was/is.

mchenry: suck it

she shook her head. She could rationalize her BEHAVIOR LATER AND CONVINCE HERSELF THAT SHE WAS IN FACT, not a whore ……whores suck c o c k.She obviously didn’t do that. The radio was on. Britney spears “Womaniser” played in the background. Thats what I felt like in that moment, she , i assume, felt womanised.

I pushed my sweater up to the level of my upper chest and shot my load from a reclined position. My DNA was all over the car.

mchenry: Don’t murder anyone in here when you leave,my DNA is all over the interior of this car.I don’t want to be framed for a crime later.

She laughed. She found some napkins for me to clean up with. I threw them out the car window afterwards to reunite them with their fellow trees. The time was 12:47 am

mchenry: We better leave now, taco bell closes at one and Ill get my car towed if I don’t move it by then

sloppy girl: ok

she drove back to the parking lot of taco bell. I hugged her goodbye.

mchenry:it was nice to meet you

sloppy girl:you too,bye

I drove away with a reinforced opinion that casual sex is meaningless and unfulfilling. I’d much rather “feel” something ,for someone. But I wont settle for less then what I deserve. But what do I bring to the table? IM 28 years old ,unemployed and live with my parents. Major chances must take place in the year 2009. I have some new years resolutions to make……………