CHEMISTRY

” I went skydiving. I went rocky mountain climbing. I went 2.7 seconds on a bull named Foo Man Choo.”

You know what I hate about that song other than it’s naming a bull after after a long, thin mustache/beard combo?

Its the following conversation:

guy #1: Before I die I want to climb Mount Everest!

guy#2:You are aware that thousands of people have died attempting that right?

guy#1:Yeah but I wanna feel alive.

guy #2: So in order to “Feel Alive” you have to almost die, but not die?

You cannot “Feel” alive. Being alive isn’t a feeling. Being horny is a feeling. That’s my philosophy. But its not so much about “feeling alive” as it is tempting fate. It’s for that reason that women continue to bang Magic Johnson. For the same reason I want to bang 18 year old girls.

Because I want to almost break the law,but not break the law. I wanna be close to having inappropriate sexual conduct with a minor but get off on a technicality. I not only want to tempt fate, but pry it open with the jaws of life that is my dong.

Ask and you shall receive.

I met an 18 year old girl during a security event and got her number when she asked if I wanted cake. I didn’t want cake. I wanted pie. Poon tang pie. Poon tang pie and hold the pubes. I wanted a nice hairless, flesh colored triangle to teeth on like I was a 1 year old child gumming a plastic G I Joe action figure.

Chick: Do you guys want any cake?

MC:No, but I’ll take you number.

Chick: ummmm ok.

PA: But first, are you 18 or older?

Chick: I am 18. How old are you?

MC: I am 24.

I type her number into my phone.

MC: Good. Now when I text you and say it’s PA. You’ll have mine.

Yeah I lied. I claimed to be 5 years younger than my actual age of 29. There are two simple choices one can make in life and they are as follows:

1. Lie and get what you want.

2. Be honest and do not get what you want.

For example, A politician who is an atheist cannot admit to being so because the majority of Americans are Christian. They would not elect an Atheist. So the politician must lie. Why? Because he wants to win. It’s that simple.

Same thing with scoring sweet poonanny. If I want to feed a woman’s beaver some wood, I can’t admit to being unemployed. Therefore I am always either a cop, Firefighter, Paramedic, Or Marine. These are “Sexy” jobs. Have you ever noticed when a woman introduces her boyfriend it goes as follows:

Chick: This is John, He is a Fire marshall!

It’s always, Name followed by occupation. Woman define men by the job that they do. So do I feel guilty when I lie to them? No. Why? Because I want to win. Victory can only be attained by vaginal penetration. After that, Its doesn’t matter. Ask any professional boxer and they will tell you that winning the title for the second time never feels as good as the first time that they won it.

And for any hot chick you see on the street , There is a guy who is tired of banging her.
a s s holness comes with age gentlemen.

I learned via text message that the 18 year old chick had joined the Navy and was 2 weeks away from shipping out. And for any Woman who has joined the armed forces, there is some dude out there who gave them some “Fair well D i c k ”

MC: Wanna get together before you ship out?

Chick: I want to.

MC: Wanna watch a movie at my place?

Chick: Yeah that sounds good.

I never encountered a female so eager to come to my crappy one bedroom apartment in the ghetto. We agreed that I would pick her up from the parking lot of “Red Lobster” If I were to get Crabs after this encounter, some might find that Ironic. Some might call it Karma. But I do not believe in wise tales or superstitions. I am a man of science. But I never tell women that, because I want to get laid.

There are 2 things that you should never discuss when attempting to get laid.

1. Politics

2. Religion.

Same those 2 discussions for when you want them to break up with you. And if those don’t do the trick. Tell them you hate children.

And if that doesn’t work, Introduce them to Magic Johnson.

MC: Let me introduce you to Magic Johnson!

chick: Does that mean he has a magic d i c k?

MC: Yeah something like that.

Chick: Does it grant wishes? lol

MC: Yeah, If you wish for Aids.

\

Damn I have become an offensive bastard. Please send all hate mail to:

mchenrycruiser@yahoo.com

I picked her up and together we made the 7 mile journey back to my apartment. To get her in the mood, I selected the film “My Best Friend’s girl” starring Dane Cook. When I did stand up comedy, I was described as a hybrid of both Dane Cook and Robin Williams. At the time, I thought thought that meant that I was hilarious.

I’ve since learned that it meant that I tell jokes with no punch lines and have a hairy back. That’s why I shave my body hair before any sexual encounters with the ladies.

As the movie progressed, I gently rubbed her thighs and stomach. I traced her fingers with my fingertips. This is how you get women in the mood. Pick up artists refer to it as “Keno” ,Which is light touches that gradually increase to turn a woman on. It’s meant to show her that you are a sexual being and keep you out out of “The Friend Zone”.

Halfway through the movie I placed her hand on my wang. She rubbed it through my jeans. I then unleashed the fury of my wang and exposed it to the outside world. She rubbed it again. I placed my hand on her face, tilted it upward and proceeded to demonstrate my tongue fu ability. As I did this I undid the button on her jeans and positioned myself to slide them off.

I unhooked her bra and sucked on her nipples. I massaged though her panties with my fingers. I reached into my wallet for a condom and put it on. I slapped her ass and she reacted like a horse being kicked by a stirrup on a boot.

MC: Guide me in.

I always say that because I have yet to master the art of finding the vagina hole. Once inside I began to thrust my wang inside her.

MC: Do you like that girl?

Chick: Yes.

MC: Do you like that d i c k?

chick: [silent]

MC: huh?

Chick:yes.

I’ve learned that sex is more fun when you degrade the woman during the act of intercourse. I slap their ass , pull their hair and talk dirty. I am hardcore.

I positioned her on her hand and knees and attempted the doggy style position.

MC: Guide me in.

She tried and failed. I tried and failed. If I had a map, compass , or chart of the stars, then perhaps I would have succeeded. But time was of the essence. I repositioned her missionary again and pounded her like a jackhammer. I straddled her and pulled the condom off. I began to beat off with great vengeance and furious anger. She removed her glasses. She knew what was about to happen.

BOOM protein everywhere.

She opened her mouth and allowed the contents of my testicles to flow inside. She was a freak. Once my nuts were drained of all their natural resources, she began to suck me off. I lingered there, hovering above her face with my wang dangling in her mouth and rested.

Afterward, We for a while we both laid on my couch and held each other. If she was 10 years older or I was 10 years younger, I very well could have committed to her. There was chemistry….

Was it Love?
Was it fate?
or do I feel the same after I masturbate? Hmmm

Was it the act of peeling her panties off her waist?

Or was it the feeling of blasting her with my wang
right square in the face?

Will she feel the same about me when she goes back home?
or has she had so many trains ran on her that they call her “The Railroad”?/ end rap

She shipped out on the 26th day of October. I attempted to see her one last time but she claimed to be to busy planning her move. But for a moment I found something special, something sacred in her eyes. I hope to find that again.

 

But if I don’t find it in a pair of beautiful eyes,

 

I’ll continue to look in vagina.

 

 

Lonely People

Through an online dating website [POF] I met a 37 year old woman with the user name “Lonely chick”

Lonely chicks require little effort to bang. The only qualification needed is to be in the same room as them. BOOM. Done.

In order to make myself appear to be more of a catch on the website. I changed my occupation from “Baller” to “Paramedic / Former Marine. I know very little about marines other than what I saw on an HBO documentary hosted by the guy who played “Tony Soprano”

But people often mistake me for a marine based on my clean cut appearance. so whenever asked….

random person: Are you a marine?

MC: Yes, Yes I am!

I then proceed to share stories from Iraq that I stole from various soldiers on the documentary I saw. I do not lie. They are true stories. I just didn’t live them. But somebody did. I wanna shake that man’s hand. But he is missing both of them and a leg.

After speaking with “Lonely chick”, A plan to hammered was set in motion.

Game Plan: She was to purchase Vodka and diet coke. [ I have since learned that is goes much better with orange juice] She would come to my apartment and we would “Watch a movie” [secret code for bang known only to myself] Boom. Done.

We were to meet originally at 8 pm. 9 pm arrived and she was still a no show. She wouldn’t answer her phone either. I had an empty stomach and fully loaded testicles. EITHER ONE OF THOSE SITUATIONS ARE ENOUGH TO MAKE FOR A DAY.

A worse day is when I run out of toilet paper and have to dig through the bathroom garbage to find discarded cardboard rolls to wipe with. That is very irritating to my a s s h o l e. I walk bow legged the next day as a result. But at least I have legs, unlike some of those poor souls on the HBO documentary that I saw.

Comforted by the knowledge of fully attached limbs, I dozed off.

I awoke to a phone call.

Chick: Sorry, my car ran out of gas and I had to walk to my home boys house, get gas and then walk back. I forgot my phone in the car when that happened so I didn’t get your calls.

mc: hmm O K. SO you gonna come over with booze?

Chick: Yes , Let me spend some time at my home boys house and then I will come over.

mc: Hmm ok.

She used the term “Home Boy” That is a term best reserved for people of African decent. Nobody wants to be white anymore. Ask any white person what they consider themselves. Its never a white American. It is always ….

Random Person: I am half a quarter French , 1/3 Italian, a fifth of Spanish, and a half German.

mc: Hmmm, Over looking the fact that I don’t think your percentages add up, You Miss, are a white American. Go back far enough in anyones life and they will have ancestors from some place else. Following your logic, I can claim to be part Dinosaur and cave man.

But I don’t . I am a white American. I was born and raised in America! And I walked the streets of Modesto,CA, greeting and shaking the hands of all my fellow Americans, I came one conclusion……….

E= MC squared. But I didn’t invent that, That was Albert Einstein.

But!

If E-=Entertainment and MC= McHenry cruiser

It would mean nothing. It’s just another one of my random “stream of conciousness”
ramblings. That is all. SO f u ck you and your ancestors too.

At nearly midnight, Lonely Chick arrived in the parking lot of my Apartment complex. Yeah, another 3 hours had passed but she made up for it with Vodka and diet coke. Things were going according to plan. Lonely Chick has tattoos , short hair and looked like a biker chick hooked on heroin. Thank god for booze. Although he didn’t invent it….

That was Albert Einstein. f u c k you and your history too. I rewrite history. Take that history. You don’t define me.

Lonely chick: So you were a marine? I always find myself attracted to marines.

mc: Yes, Yes I was.

See, I told you I say that.

lonely chick: What was it like in Iraq?

At this point I had downed to glasses of mostly vodka with a light dusting of Diet coke. I was hammered. Things were going according to plan.

mc: I never like driving the tank. I was scared of being struck by an I.U.D. [sounded good] When we drove the tank, The Iraqi soldiers would send children to stand in front of our tanks. We were instructed to run them over. They were decoys. [Tears began to run down my cheeks as I recited this tale from the documentary that I saw]

Lonely chick: Thats awful. I heard that from friends of mine who are over there.

mc: I still wake up at night screaming[ sounded good]

I poured another glass of vodka with a pinch of diet coke. I passed out and from this point I have only vague memories of what transpired. At one point I had fumbled around with a condom in an unsuccessful attempt to put it on.

lonely chick: You don’t need that for head do you?

mc: Umm no?

I blacked out and woke up. Still mid blow job. I pushed her head of my penis and positioned her onto the floor. With great vengeance furious anger, and a full bladder , I beat off onto her clothed body. She excused herself to go to the bathroom. I passed out.

I woke up. It was daylight and she was gone. I was laying on the couch in an upright position. A towel was on the floor next to me. I went to the bathroom where I found a note:

McHenry…..

I hope you feel ok today. I set you upright and hooked you up with a puke proof area. I stayed til I felt you were O K alone. You were awesome!!! I only hope it was the vodka that stopped you from me getting you off and not because you didn’t like it.

Don’t even trip. I know you won’t. Holla anytime you want another round- little less vodka. Hope you are good. If you don’t want another go, just text and tell me “Thanks but no thanks” K? By the way again, Damn I enjoyed it.- Sabrina.

I text her and asked if we had sex. She said yes and assured me of her seriousness. I asked if I wore a condom. She assured me that I did. This marked the first occasion that I unknowingly had sex. In the reverse, this is know as rape or “Date rape”

But I felt no shame as I laid there hungover. Things had gone according to plan……according to lonely chick.

I was alone again in my apartment for the remainder of the day.

I am a lonely dude.

Finding Religion

Although I am an Atheist, I yearn to believe in an after life. I pray to be incorrect and that death isn’t an endless cycle of dreamless sleep. Sleep is only fun when I have dreams, Not the kind of dream when I boned “Carla” from the T.v. show “Cheers” or the dream when Hulk Hogan gave me a blow job ,but dreams where I overlook myself, as I accomplish important s h i t….

Like butt sex.

Because it’s important to try new things in life. And if there really is a Jesus hovering above me in the sky, perched on a cloud with his pants around his ankles , overlooking me as I pound vag like an old man shaking his fist at the neighborhood children…..

I hope he uses that cloud to absorb the contents of his testicles so that it may rain down upon me and become embedded in my skin. I will then become so god-like that I can achieve my dream of complete world domination.

And maybe if that did indeed happen, and I had a lil Jesus in me, I could make a blind man see or feed the starving children in Africa…

But I wouldn’t. I would still pound vag. All day long. Right in front of blind men because it isn’t like they could enjoy it. Unless the sound of fornication filled them with lust and their penises with blood. Enough blood to expand their dongs larger than Jessica Simpson’s a s s h o l e that one time she got fat.

But I would dodge their semen like Keanu Reeves in “The Matrix”

Because the powers of the handicapped do not appeal to me. You know what does?

Butt sex.

During a pick up attempt , I number closed an employee of Blockbuster Video. She had an average face but an a s s so plump and juicy that I wanted to dive head first and ears deep into it. We began to text that day. She claimed to be a former “Party Girl” turned religious nut job.

Nut job could mean two things. Either a crazy Jesus freak or the act of fondling one’s testicles. I’d rather it had been the second choice. The quote that appeared after every text message I received from her stated “Living For Him”

Apparently “Living for Him” meant no Vag for me. And that contradicts my belief that Jesus is a fan of mine and acts as my personal cheerleader. Because if he exits and didn’t approve of my sexual antics he could simply strike me down in traffic. He does that a lot.

Soul in Heaven: Jesus, Why did you have to strike me down in traffic?

Jesus: It was simply you’re time my son.

Soul in heaven: Really? You couldn’t wait until I got home and take me in my sleep? You had to go the extra mile and send a two thousand pound vehicle to smash me head on and make me spend my last precious moments on earth s h i t t i n g my pants?

Jesus: I work in mysterious ways a s s h o l e. Now here’s a bible. I autographed it for you.

Through text message I was offered and accepted an invitation to attend church with “Blockbuster Chick” It was a small price to pay for sweet poonanny. The day I sat through the movie version of “The dukes of Hazard” , I proved I could sit through anything.

The church she attending was down the street from my apartment. I made the two mile journey there at exactly 7:55 PM.

MC: [cell phone call] I keep missing the entrance. Where is it?

CHICK: It’s right next to a big white building

MC: Jesus Christ I can’t believe I keep missing it. Sorry I didn’t mean to use the lord’s name in vain.

I greeted her with a hug at the entrance of the church. She had the hyper personality of an 8 year old with A.D.D

CHICK: How’s it going? Hold on ! There’s my friend Josh!

She runs over to her friend “Josh” and greets him with a shoulder massage. She then comes back and we finally enter and walk into the lobby.

CHICK: Let me introduce you to my friends! This is Nicole and Michelle!

MC: Hello. Should we hug?

Other Chicks: Ok

I hugged them and slid my hands the the sides of their bodies.

Chick: Hold on! There is my friend Greg!

She runs over to Greg who is seating in a chair and runs her hands down his chest and stomach.
I didn’t mind at the time. Her friends were much more attractive.

MC: So you come here often? [I say to the hottest of the two chicks]

Hottest Chick: Not really I haven’t been here in over a month.

MC: Oh my god really! Sorry I didn’t mean to use the Lords name is vain.

Hottest Chick: I’m going in now.

She left me standing their with the lesser of the attractive chicks right as Blockbuster chick returned to tell me that she forgot her bible and had to return to her car to get it. I walked alone through a courtyard to enter the main room of the church. I took a seat near the front. Blockbuster girl returned from her car, bible in hand and sat next to her friend “Doug” she introduced us even though we were now 2 rows apart.

Pastor Roy: Ladies and Gentleman , Thank you for coming. We are now going to divide you into 3 groups. Junior High children , Take the seats to the left. We want college kids in the middle and adults on the left.

Oh yeah, I lied and told Blockbuster Girl that I was 23. She was 20.

Pastor Roy: I would now like the college group to come up front and take part in a game!

Blockbuster girl took “Doug” by the hand and dragged him up onto the stage. She looked at me as if to say “What are you waiting for? join us”

Instead , I joined my Toyota Corolla in the parking lot. It was 8: 16 and if I left now, I could catch the tail end of “The Ultimate Fighter” on Spike T.V.

I sent Blockbuster girl a text which read:

Next time you are with a hot a s s dude, show his the respect that he deserves and don’t act like a whore.

I then wish her aids.

The next day I received a call from a private number.

Some Dude: Who is this?

MC: Who is THIS?

Some dude: Who are you?

MC: Ummm, you called me dude.

Some dude: Is this PA?

MC: Yes

Some Dude: Did you call my friend a whore?

MC: What friend? Oh do you mean the church girl? Yeah I called her a whore[ said with little enthusiasm]

Some dude: I am gonna kick you’re a s s

MC: Oh really? Want the address? [said with little enthusiasm]

Some Dude: Yeah what is it?

MC: [I give him my address]

Some dude: I’ll be there in 2 months when I am off of parole and pump some bullets into you boy.

MC: Why can’t you come over now? Or , why didn’t you just call me two months from now? Should I mark this on my calender? [Said with little enthusiasm]

And then he hung up.

Maybe it was immature to call Blockbuster Chick a whore. Maybe I should date women my own age. But at 29 years old, all my female counterparts seem to be divorced with three children. They are like high millage automobiles. One day when I find the right woman, I’ll retire my testicles and hang them up for good. Or perhaps put them on display in a museum if I indeed turn these tails into a book and it becomes a best seller.

But for now, I’ll continue penetrating vagina’s as I look towards the sky

http://www.youtube.com/profile?user=TrainMusic#p/u/5/e7sh4YWVuugand wink.

A FRIEND IN NEED IS A FRIEND INDEED. BUT A FRIEND WITH WEED IS BETTER

It’s been a year and I’m still unemployed. Life is boring. I took to visiting sites like ihatemymiserablelife.com to find camaraderie with others like myself. Instead I found obese , social retards whose dreams of growing beards and moving to a cabin in the mountains to live off the land had been foiled by society and The Man, and minorities.

In my area , minorities are getting the majority of jobs. The Man likes it that way. It makes him seem less racist. Society accepts this behavior, they have to, they don’t want to appear to be racist. For the same reason I’ve taken to boning Mexicans.

I fill all my voids with women. Pick ups excite me. The chase excites me. The actual sex I can take or leave. I needed a vacation from women but still feel the rush of excitement that only comes from doing something new or having a new girl put her hand down my underpants. Apparently I had met a woman on a telephone chat line. I know this because she text me and told me so.

I called her later that night.

MC.: What are you’re plans for the evening?

CHICK: My daughter and I are going midnight bowling.

MC: May I join you?

CHICK: Sure, come to my place first and hang out so you can be sure you like me enough to wanna come.

I should have ended the call at this point but…

CHICK: Afterwards we are gonna smoke a J.

A j is a joint. A joint is weed. I once refused to eat weed brownie because I didn’t wanna fail a drug test. But now I was unemployed. The Lord , perched up there on a cloud and overlooking my life presented me with an opportunity to break society’s laws.

MC: What color is the rolling paper?

CHICK: Umm, White why?

MC: Do they come in black ? I don’t wanna appear to be racist.

She gave me directions to her house. I google mapped that s hit and navigated THE BEAST!!! , [My Toyota Corolla] , to her home.

I got lost due to lack of street lights and called her to guide me the rest of the way there. I followed her directions.

CHICK: IS THAT YOU COMING UP?

MC: UMM YES

CHICK:OK MAKE THE NEXT RIGHT INTO THE DRIVEWAY.

MC: OK

As I did so , In my peripheral vision, I caught a glance of a large woman in a red tee shirt. I prayed to The Lord that The Bloods had became more leniant on who they allow into their gang.

I climbed out of my car and bore witness to an ungodly site. Although she claimed to be 40. She easily could have passed for early fifties. But this night wasn’t about sex. It was about giving up my weed virginity. But first were the intros.

CHICK: This is my daughter Patty.

PA: Nice to meet you. I notice that you are wearing all black. Are you a vampire or an emo or something?

PATTY: HA HA no. I used to be gothic but not so much anymore.

MC: Do you want to kill yourself or do you have suicidal urges? No?Just checking.

I was offered and drank 3 apple beers. I was buzzed.

EXTREME FAST FORWARD

We drove to the bowling alley and sat at a table on the lanes. We were waiting for the daughters friend to arrive who would be joining us. The lights went out. A black light came on and suddenly I was aware of how much lint was on my sweater.

The friend arrived. She was beautiful. She was also 16 years old. I suddenly became aware of how wrong a thought that was to have. Plus she was Hispanic so I felt a little racist.

We played 2 games. I came in second both times. I gutter balled 4 times.

EXTREME FAST FORWARD

We left the bowling alley and arrived back at the chicks home. Time for a promise to be fulfilled. I would smoke weed for the first time in my life. The timing couldn’t be more perfect.

They filled a pipe with weed and we took turns taking hits. Immediately the two girls became giggly.

MC: This can’t be how being high feels! I feel nothing. I’m slightly not right in the head but still this is blasphemy.

CHICK: Give it time. Take a few more hits.

I did and still nothing.

MC: This can’t be high. I refuse to believe this.

CHICK: What do you want it to feel like.

MC: Like those two. They are idiots. Look at them. I wanna feel that idiotic.

I took some more hits. I tried to talk about something intelligent and became overwhelmed with laughter. I was high, finally. The chick made some Mexican food. It felt a little racist but I ate it.

Food tastes better when you are high. All the flavors can be distinguished and enjoyed separately. It was amazing.

MC: I can taste all the distinct flavors! This is amazing!

See, I told you. Weed also makes me tired. I fell asleep. For 5 hours. I woke up , checked my pockets for my cell phone, wallet and keys. Check, check, and check. The chick, throughout the night became very sad that I made no attempt to fondle her goody bags. But I didn’t care. She’ll find another man to plow her from the chat line.

Momentary highs followed by extreme lows. Getting high feels that way. Being single feels that way. Maybe I need something more consistent. Like a job. Although I don’t want to take away employment from a minority. That would be racist.

So I’ll milk my unemployment while I pick up chicks and hopefully find out where I’m going with my life in the process.