MchenryCruiser Hunts A Cougar

While browsing my usual online dating website, I came across the profile of a 46 year old woman looking for a ” Fun Guy”. I emailed her the following:

Mchenry: Hey , I’m a fun guy! Wanna have fun with me?

Cougar: Hey there hows it going? Like your profile,,,,

I then sent her an instant message.

Mchenry: Would you like to meet?

Cougar: For?

Mchenry: Coffee!

We made a plan to meet on Sunday, which is today. And since Today IS Sunday and I met her on Saturday night, You can assume 1 of 2 things:

1. I used my comedic charm to woo her into an earlier meeting then was planned.

or

2. Chloroform is a hell of a drug.

After our Instant Message chat , I received this email:

Cougar: Sorry I couldn’t make it tonight,,,bummer…but looking forward to meeting you, you definitely intrigued me. Your the first person I wanted to meet!

For those following along at home, this is what my profile says. It’s short, sweet, and may cause the shedding of several tears:

Do you believe in magic?

I stand 5 feet 10 inches tall. I have amazing blue eyes. If you dared to gaze into them it would be like being struck by a tsunami. You would need a wet suit ,flippers and an oxygen tank to survive. And an inflatable life raft and an ore to row to safety. I have a shaved head that women like to rub as if they are awaiting a magical genie, who will appear and grant them 3 wishes. I am very attractive, so I hear. I am looking for someone who will be my friend and possibly more if we connect on that level.

She had to attend her ex sister in law’s birthday party and told me to text her around 9 pm.

I text her at 8 PM, The following:

Mchenry: You got booze at home?

Cougar: Always

Mchenry: Want to drink with me?

Cougar: I have to meet you first.

Mchenry: Meet me at Starbucks at 9.

She agreed and the meeting was set to take place. I took my seat behind the wheel of my car , Sounded the mighty roar of the engine and navigated my Toyota Corolla several miles North East of my home.

The journey ended as I made a sharp left into the Starbucks parking lot. She was waiting outside near the doorway. It was closed. She had no choice but to invite me to her home.

MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.

Not quite.

Cougar: Wanna go get a beer?

Mchenry: Sure

She drove us to a bar on the next block over. We went inside. She ordered us one Corona beer each,

Cougar: Your confident aren’t you?

Mchenry: Yes, Yes I am.

Cougar: Your not arrogant though. It’s odd. It’s like a quiet confidence.

Mchenry: Yes, Yes it is.

I had no idea what she was talking about. I had no idea what I was talking about either. I was buzzed. I’m a lightweight.

After we emptied the beers into our bellies. I suggested we head back to her place to drink more booze.

Mchenry: Let’s go back to your place and drink more booze!

SEE, I DID suggest it, just like I said.

She paid the tab, although I did half ass offer to pay my share.

Mchenry: Should we split the bill?

Cougar: No, I’ve got it.

Mchenry to Cashier: She’s quite the gentleman isn’t she. She even opened the door on the way in.

cougar: Now you have to open the door for ME!

Mchenry: Sure

And In heroic fashion , I took hold of the door handle, squeezed it in my masculine grip, and heaved it forward with the strength of a thousand men. My bicep muscles strained as I held it open for M’ LADY to make her grand exit from the establishment. Women were in tears. Men took of their hats in a show of respect for Mr. Cruiser.

Not really. But it did sound more impressive that way didn’t it?

She drove me back to my car. I sat behind the wheel of the beast, Sounded the ROAR of the Mighty engine…….

F u c k , I’m tired. I followed her home you tards.

Once we got inside , She brought out a bottle of red wine. I poured two glasses. We sat on the couch and drank. Once I felt the buzz putting my liver in a strangle hood , I stradled the cougar and jousted her with thou Tongue. We kissed. Clothing was removed.

I requested a change of venue. We moved down to the floor.

Mchenry: I’ve got a condom.

I strapped it on and proceeded to stab her several times over with the mighty wrath of my WANG. I attempted to change positions and throw her legs over my shoulders. But my wang slipped out of position.

I didn’t showboat after that. It was going to have to be a team effort if the game was to be won.

Cougar: Wanna go to the bedroom?

Mchenry: Sure

I wish I hadn’t eaten several dough nuts the night before. As I made the walk to her bedroom, My ass jiggled like Rosie O’ Donnell having a seizure.

She gave me mouth pleasure.

But it felt as though I was inserting my WANG into a pencil sharpener.

I called an audible and maneuvered myself into a full mounted position [on top of her]

My bicep muscle strained as I pulled at my wang like I was starting a lawnmower.
I lowered my weapon for aim.

Cougar: What are you doing?

Mchenry: Forgive me Jesus.

Halfway through the splatter of goo, She covered herself with her arms to shield my man batter from penetrating her pores.

Now say that 10 times fast.

Cougar: You blew it?

Mchenry: How so?

Cougar: I would have swallowed. I think it’s erotic.

She excused herself to take a shower. I didn’t attempt to leave as normal protocol
suggests. I would. She had a comfortable bed. Once finished , she returned to my side.

Mchenry: DO you believe in aliens?

Cougar: No

Mchenry: REALLY? Billion of planets are out there in space and you don’t think that a mere ONE OF THEM is occupied by some sort of living creature?

Cougar: Oh I do. I just don’t believe in little green men. Why are you talking about this?

Mchenry: I don’t know. But I hope one day it will all MEAN something.

And then we agreed to call it a night. She left me with a parting gift though. A bottled water. And I drank that very water as I traveled back to my home via Toyota Corolla.

The next day I text her:

Mchenry: We should have a threesome.

No response.

The night before, as she was giving me mouth pleasure, she had told me how hot it would be to see another women bobbing on my apples.

She didn’t use THOSE words to describe it of course.

I text her again:

Mchenry: Or not? Lol

No response was given.

I checked online and noticed that her plenty of fish profile had been deleted.
I knew then that I could assume One of two things:

1. She was dead

OR

2. The ” Dangling Diner” [My Penis] Had lost yet another customer.

Even though I won’t miss her, I can’t help but feel I’ve done something horribly wrong.

Like Butt Sex

Only Not.

Buffy : The grocery buying slut

I drove to the store to purchase beef and bananas. I walked to the check out line. In front of me stood a hot chick who looked like Sarah Michelle Gellar from “Buffy The Vampire Slayer”

Mchenry: You look just like Buffy The Vampire Slayer.

She looked at me blank faced.

Mchenry: Do you know who that is?

Chick: I think so. Is that Sarah Michelle Gellar?

Mchenry: Yeah. You even have her nose. That’s so bizarre.

Chick: Well thank you. I think.

Mchenry: SO you live here?

Chick: We are from Baton Rouge actually.

WE are from here. I sentence that suggests she is taken. I curse you Jesus. I loked at the ring and though quietly to myself:

” The power of WANG repels you”

Mchenry: Why did you come HERE?

Chick: We have family down here.

Mchenry: Oh , I was gonna say , WHY IN THE WORLD WOULD YOU CHOOSE TO BE IN A PLACE LIKE THIS! BLASPHEMY!

The cashier chuckled. AT least I was winning SOMEBODY over with my comedic charm. Even if she WAS old and facially challenged.

Mchenry to cashier: You know what I mean right. You LIVE here.

Mchenry to chick: SO you don’t have the accent?

Chick: No, only people whop live outside the city have it.

Mchenry: Good! you escaped it!

Chick: Yeah I talk normal.

And with that phrase, Our conversation ended. I paid for my beef and bananas and left a defeated man forced to use bananas as a food source instead of a weapon of Ass destruction.

As I drove through the parking lot and back onto the main street, I saw the chick walking to Subway. Our eyes met.

Then she covered her face with her purse and stared at the ground hoping I wouldn’t recognize her.

I chuckled to myself, turned up the radio, and drove home.

Talking To God

The unemployment continues, as does my on going cabin fever. So I did what was suggested to me by various homeless men and truck drivers I’ve met over the years ,throughout my stint as a security guard.

I prayed,

To THE LORD

Which if you think about it, If you crossed paths with Jesus. But didn’t know HE was in fact , Jesus, You wouldn’t ask:

You: Lord, What is the meaning of life?

You’d say: Nah dude, I ain’t got no change for you today. You HOMELESS FUCK.

I conducted a silent prayer as I navigated my Toyota Corolla passed a Meth addicted hooker who asked if I wanted a date.

Well, she didn’t so much “Ask” me, but rather , screamed the offer from a one block distance while pointing to her crotch and suggestively thrusting it in my direction.

Jesus, I have absolutely no idea where my life is headed. Well, physically I hope far away from THAT hooker. Mentally though, I lack focus. I need direction.If you exist and can help me. Then please show me a sign.

I passed a gas station and observed the words:

LOTTO PLAY HERE

Thank you Lord

I made a U Turn and parked in the handicap lane. I walked inside carrying my last 137 dollars and exchanged it for 27 lottery tickets. I was positive that THIS was the sign shown to me by my new savior.

Later , after checking online, I learned that my new life plan had been foiled once again. I hadn’t hit any numbers.

I’m sure Jesus enjoyed a nice big belly laugh at my expense. I imagined him perched on a cloud alongside an angel discussing my fate.

GOD: Hey check out this LOSER praying to me. Look at this TARD.

ANGEL: Hey dude, Show him a SIGN! I bet he’ll pull over.

GOD: OK hold on, Oh Fuck he’s pulling over ha ha I love doing this shit.

Hence the reason I’m an atheist. No expectations. As an atheist , your on your own baby. But you can also do whatever you wanna do without suffering the consequences.

Like Butt sex.

So I sat at home in my bedroom. Comforted only by my 8 pound, near death, York Terrier and a can of Diet Vanilla Pepsi. The Not So Vanilla, Vanilla soda.

I drifted off into a dreamless sleep, much like I imagine the afterlife will be like, when I was awakened by the vibration of a text message.

Sherry: Mchenry, Can my cousin text you?

Mchenry: Sure

Sherry: OK I’ll tell her. Your gonna be nice right?

Mchenry: Of course!

Sherry is the girlfriend of an ex coworker of mine. She is aware of this blog and my sexual escapades. When I read her request , I was reminded of a story I once heard:

An elderly woman once discovered a frozen snake in the snow.She took the snake home. She provided it warmth and food. Over time the old woman had nursed the snake back to health.

One day ,while she was holding the snake, it bit her.

As she lay there dying from the venomous poison entering her blood stream. She asked the snake:

Old lady:Why after finding you, feeding you and nursing you back to health , would you do this to me?

SNAKE: What did you expect bitch? I’m a snake!

Back and forth we text each other. The cousin and I. And in my boredom, I decided to make the 30 minute drive to see her and make out. She assured me that it wouldn’t go any further then that.

Cousin: I just wanna make sure you know that because I don’t want you to be angry.

As A seasoned veteran in the fine art of nailing sweet Poonanny. I knew that what women SAY and what women DO, are two very different things entirely.

I parked on the corner of her street and waited for her to walk to my passenger side door. She was 5″4 and 84 lbs. For the first time I knew what it must have felt like to be a United States soldier, saving a Jew from a Hitler concentration camp.

Mchenry: So how’s life?

Cousin: It’s good.

Mchenry: Is it?

Cousin: Yes

Mchenry: Yes indeed.

I drove down the road until the houses disapeared. I parked alongside an Orchard and shut off the car engine. I pulled her close to my body and engaged her mouth in a joust of Tongue Fu. [Kissing]

I slid my hand up her shirt and unhooked her bra. THe bra was just a formality really.

I had bigger breasts then her. And so do you.

I suckled on her nipples. Unlike other nipples I have suckled on, this one provided me nourishment in the form of breast milk.

I attempted to slide my hand down her panties but was met with great resistance. She brushed my hand away. I unbuckled my belt and unleashed the fury of my Wang [penis]

I placed her hand on it. She gave me hand pleasure. I grabbed a handful of her hair and guided her downward. She gave me mouth pleasure. I extended the seat downward and laid flat on my back.

Twenty seconds later : I don’t wanna do that anymore.

Perhaps I wasn’t Zest fully clean.I placed her hand back on my wang and the hand pleasure continued until she tired out. She switched hands. I grabbed a box of Kleenex I had stashed behind the passenger seat.

BOOM PROTEIN EVERYWHERE

I blasted the contents of my testicles into the kleenex then disposed of it by throwing it out the window.

Mchenry: Well , It’s past my bedtime. We’d better leave before we get murdered out her by Jason Voorhees. [Friday the 13 killer]

Cousin: OK

I drove her back to the corner of the block where I had first picked her up.

As I continued homeward bound. I thought more about God.

When a person of religious faith is stricken with Cancer. Christians say

God has a plan for everyone.

But if that same person was murdered by Jason Voorhees and sliced into bite sized pieces , They’d say :

The Lord works in mysterious ways.

However, If I was face to face with these Christians and said

Hello kind stranger, My name is Jason Voorhees and I’ve come here today, to murder you and then slice you into bite size pieces. But I may reconsider if Jesus shows me a sign.

They’d reply: GOD has given man FREE WILL to do as he pleases.

From all of that , I have drawn one conclusion:

GOD REALLY LIKES TO COVER HIS ASS.

Mchenrycruiser: The M.I.L.F. Hunter

I began an exchange of emails with a 38 year old M.i.l.f. on

http://www.plentyoffish.com

I’ll copy and paste that shit right here for your viewing enjoyment:

Mchenry: You look about 40. whomever told you that you look younger just wanted in them panties baby doll.

Milf: WELL THEN MUST MEAN GIRLS TO , AND MY CO-WORKERS AND MY FRIENDS. WELL DON’T BELIEVE YOU HAVEN’T SEEN ME IN PERSON SO YOU DON’T KNOW. if you are pissed off at some girls on this site don’t take it out on me. I never did nothing to you and by the way you look grouchy and pissed off in your picture and mad at the world. frankly it doesn’t matter if I look younger. You must have seen something in my pic or you wouldn’t have read my profile.

mchenry:I’m not insulting you. I don’t know why u got that impression. I said you look 40. so what . You ARE almost 40. People just like to be nice. thats why they say you look younger when you don’t.

Milf: I DON’T CARE WHAT AGE i LOOK. I CAN LOOK FIFTY FOR ALL i CARE. I AM NOT OUT TO IMPRESS SOMEONE THEY GET WHAT THEY GET AND THATS IT. THE PART GETTING IN MY PANTS IT AIN’T HAPPENING i POSTED THAT BECAUSE A LOT OF PEOPLE DON’T BELIEVE I AM THAT AGE YOU ARE THE FIRST ONE. AND THEY ARE NOT TRYING TO IMPRESS ME BY SAYING I AM YOUNGER. FRIENDS TELL YOU HOW IT IS. AS FAR AS SOMEONE GETTING IN MY PANTS IT AIN’T HAPPENING.

Mchenry: Friends never tell you the blunt truth because they don’t wanna hurt your feelings. I’M being honest with you. You are not my friend. Therefore I have no need to spare your feelings.

But good for you, for not being easy.

Milf: That’s OK you don’t have to believe it you haven’t seen me in person.the friends I have are very blunt. If I don’t like my friends hair I not going tell her i do. But I removed it just so I don’t offend people any more. But for your info most guys hit on me are younger. and my personality everyone at work got along with.

Mchenry: I believe very much that younger guys take an interest in you. I don’t doubt it for a second. But then again, they’ll shag anything willing. Thats just what the majority of guys do. But I’m not taking anything away from you.

So do you have a hot date tonight?

Milf: What do you mean you are not taking anything from me. I am not a willing person witI am single. because it seems you go one date with someone they automatically think you are going sleep with them. maybe most girls that way I don’t know you tell me.
Yeah a hot date with my daughter

Mchenry: I mean you made it seem like you must be something special to have young guys hit on you. What you should know is that they hit on anyone. They will have sex with anybody who’s willing. Thats why you shouldn’t be flattered by it.

So where are you going with your daughter?

Milf: If I was so flattered by it I would have dated them. I also have older guys tell me . Sex is a dime a dozen you can go to a club and get it that same night to if that is what I wanted. I don’t think you really read my profile did you or you would have saw i was a conservative person looking for that same kind of person. and by the way I have the feeling that has happened to you by a girl instead of a man because I think you hate women or something. I don’t know what girls you have met on here but we are not all the same. or you misjudge people.
Nothing with daughter just taco bell

Mchenry: Conservative? Is that another way of saying icey cold bitch?

Milf: So what you are saying if a girl don’t sleep with a guy the first day they are icy cold. Do you have morals or no I no that doesn’t exist to much anymore. No, you are right I am conceded and I sleep with two or three a night because it is free.

We emailed a bit more other then this but it wasn’t noteworthy dialogue. I did get her number and set up a meeting.

In order to be a successful Milf hunter , one must know their prey well. It’s not a learned behavior. Its a natural instinct. As you can see by reading our email exchange, The Milf yearned for my validation. I planned to give her THAT validation , with a side order of WANG, courtesy of the “Dangling Diner”

Obstacles had to be overcome first though.

Milf: [via text message] I’ll have to take a rain check my daughter is sick.

My first reaction? Furious Anger.

Moments earlier , The dull blades of a Mach 3 razor was drug across my testicle luggage in order to make a good first impression. That impression you ask?Nothing says “I care about what’s on the inside” then a pair of smooth balls.

Why? Well because it doesn’t have to be done. Its going above and beyond normal protocol. How often does an individual catch a glance at your sack on any given day?It can be covered up, disguised, swept under the rug until one day a rogue group of dastardly teenage boys pants you in the hall of your office building exposing your jungle pubes to everyone within eye shot of the event. And they’ll be chicks there,witnesses to the tragedy, and they’ll never forget. They have minds like elephants and bodies like….

elephants, at least the ones who work in a cubicle.

Why would a rogue group of teenage boys be in an office building pantsing the employees there?Because they are the sons of your boss and they do what they please, SON.

Sorry, this story took an odd turn didn’t it.

So I responded : Sorry ,
no second chances.

Milf: OK

And then I remembered a passage I read from

“The Game” [ Pick up artist book by Neil Strauss]

which I wont quote here but it was something about not making a big deal about getting blown off. Act like you don’t care , rinse, and repeat.

[Like shampoo]

And so that’s what I did. I asked for a picture. She sent one. I complimented her.

I had to boost her self esteem enough to the point that she’d be willing to meet me without feeling insecure.

Mchenry: Wow you are hot!

Milf: Yeah right ha ha.

Mchenry: why are you laughing? I’m serious. I’d pound you like a jack hammer.

Milf: But you don’t even know me!

Mchenry: I don’t have to know you personally to be physically attracted to you.

That was a smooth line. Not quite as smooth as my balls though.

So She agreed to allow me to visit and watch a movie as “just friends”. On the way there. I stopped off at a gas station and bought condoms, because what women say they’ll do and what they’ll REALLY do , are to very different things entirely.

I arrived at the Milf’s home and walked in carrying a copy of “Slumdog Millionaire” [ Oscar winning film]

in my coat pocket. Her 12 year old daughter was laying on the sofa doing homework.

aaaaaaaaand cue porn music……..is Mchenry joking??

Milf: Would you like something to drink?

Mchenry: Do you have booze??

Milf: I think so.

Mchenry: Good because I want to see visions. Aside from Televisions. I wanna see visions without the TELE. I don’t wanna see Telephones, unless they are suspended in midair an taunting me from above.

MILF: Your weird

She found a wine cooler in the fridge and a half bottle of hard liquor in the cabinet.I chugged them both as she gave me a tour of the house. Drunkenness began to set in.

MIlf: OK you wanna watch it in here? [living room] or in the bedroom?

Mchenry: The bedroom. I’m so waisted.

Earlier it was supposed to be the living room,no question about it. Suddenly I was given the option. We walked in to the bedroom. I closed the door behind us and locked it.

Mchenry: She’ll be OK in the living room. She’s a good egg.

Milf turned the dvd player on and the movie started. We were on the edge of her bed.

Mchenry: I’m scooting up to the top. Come join me.

She did exactly that. I wrapped my arm around her and massaged her thighs. I placed my hand on her chin and tilted her face upward. I engaged her tongue in a joust of Tongue Fu action. I pushed her flat on the bed , pulled her up into a seated position and took off her shirt and bra.

I sucked on her nipples as I unbuttoned her jeans. I slid them down to her ankles, untied her shoes then took off both her jeans and shoes. Then slid her panties off. As this was taking place ,I was removing My own clothing.

Mchenry: I’ve got a condom

I took the condom out of my pocket and slid it on.

Mchenry: Guide me in.

She did exactly that. I began to pound her like a jackhammer. I cradled her thighs with my arms then threw her legs over my shoulders as I continued thrusting my wang.

Milf: Do you want me to turn around?

Mchenry: OK

She flipped over onto her stomach.

Mchenry: Guide me in!

I placed my hands on her hips as I continued the act that dogs made famous.

10 MINUTES LATER

I tired out, rolled over onto my back and took the condom off. I grabbed a handful of her hair and guided her down to my penor. She sucked my penor. It tickled though and so I pushed her back down on the bed and rolled over on top of her. I began to beat off with great vengeance and furious anger.

Milf:what are you doing!

She moaned as she put up both hands in a defensive maneuver. I pushed them aside and continued to beat off. She didn’t make any attempt this time to prevent what was about to take place. I slid down a wee bit further on her chest and lowered my weapon for aim.

BOOM PROTEIN EVERYWHERE.

My splooge collided with her eyes,nose, and mouth. It was,

EPIC.

Halfway through the gunfire , I began to laugh out loud.

Mchenry: LMAO I’m sorry. That was gross. You can take a shower if you want to.

Milf: Thanks for the permission.

She got in the shower and began to rinse off. I dressed and laid back down on the bed. After she finished , she joined me.

Mchenry: Do you believe in life on other planets??

Milf: There could be.

Mchenry: COULD BE? Do you know that the voyager 1 spacecraft has traveled like 10 billion miles away from the earth! And it hasn’t even left OUR solar system yet!

All that SPACE and your telling me there “MIGHT” be life on other planets. Its a f u c k i n g certainty!

Sorry, this conversation took an odd turn didn’t it??

Milf: lol [laugh out loud] Your weird.

I pushed her shirt up with my hand and sucked on her nipple again. I placed her hand on my wang. She gave me hand pleasure.

BOOM PROTEIN IN A CONFINED SPACE ON MY BELLY!!!

I didn’t have much left over after the first load.

Milf: First I got it on me, now it’s your turn. Did it get on your face?

Mchenry: No, it never does. NO MATTER HOW HARD I TRY.

After I cleaned up, I was disgusted. I got dressed , retrieved my dvd, And drove home.

As I made the ten mile journey to my residence, I contemplated life. I came to the conclusion that there was more to life then inserting my wang into various vagina’s.

Like Butt sex.

People Skills

Today I met up with a 48 year old from

http://www.plentoffish.com

It was originally supposed to take place last night but I had, at the last minute,in the eleventh hour, somehow , gotten a job. A job doing part time security at David’s Bridal Shower. More on this later.

Usually I’m willing to make the trip to another city to meet a potential conquest. This time however , something felt different. I actually had butterflies in the pit of my stomach. Maybe this woman could be the one! But the most likely scenario was that , other than text and email, I had no other communication with the chick.

She text me upon arrival at a generic version of Starbucks,called “The Bean”. I text her back to tell her I was on the way. I arrived , she was sitting at a table out front. I joined her. Our eyes locked. My heart raced. My hands shook. The planet shifted, I felt the painful thud of Cupid’s arrow penetrate my right, upper buttock.

No, really I just knew this was a huge mistake and wanted to escape. But I was there and it was too late. Time to make the best out of a horrific situation.
She had brown spots of decay on her teeth. Freckled skin. An old , haggard face. The butterflies in my stomach worked there way up to my lungs and impaired my breathing. I had to take a moment to take some deep breaths.

She brought her dog with her. Its name was Princes. She didn’t tell me that but I assumed it because it was written in pink spray paint along side her ribcage. The dog’s ribcage, not hers. I wanted to leave and thus began the negs.

Mchenry: So I assume your freaked out by technology. Cell phones, computers, Its COMPLETE MADNESS ISN’T IT?

Decay girl:No I use them quite often.

Mchenry: Yeah but cars, ya know, thats quite the change from riding a horse to get from place to place AM I Right?

Decay girl: How old did you say you were?   37?

mchenry: Wow I look that old?

Decay girl: you look more like 24.

Mchenry: I’m neither actually, I’m 28

Decay girl: Your profile said 32.

Mchenry: I lied.

Decay girl: Thats deceiving! I don’t like liars.

Mchenry: well, If you met someone on pof and their profile picture showed a bright white, radiant smile, and then you met them and they had spots of brown decay on them, would you call that person a liar?

Decay girl: No, Its still them. Maybe SOME people would.

Mchenry: People like me would.

I don’t think she had a clue I was talking about her specifically.

At this point in the conversation she began bragging about her daughter. EVERYONE has the smartest , most beautiful, most interesting daughter in the world. That’s why I hate talking to parents.

Decay girl: My daughter is 20,lives with her boyfriend and in college!

Mchenry: They’ll break up. She’ll crap out 3 kids, he’ll get bored of the sex, eventually he’ll have to hang glide into her vagina and even THAT will get boring.

Decay girl: That won’t happen, she’s a smart girl!

Mchenry: Being smart has nothing to do with it. Does she have the ability to look into the future? It’ll happen. You’ll see. Every 20 year old think that they’ll beat the odds. That they’ll MAKE IT! They blast “You’re still the one” by Shania Twain on their CD player while they shade there selves from the sun by wearing their rose colored glasses.

Decay girl: So you have a Master’s degree?

Mchenry: NO, I lied about that too. I am LIAR. OUTRAGEOUS!   BLASPHEMY!

Decaygirl: I don’t think I feel a connection here.

Mchenry: Cool, be back in a minute!

I went inside to use the restroom, hopefully, giving her ample time to make an escape. I took a leak and carefully peaked out the front door.

D A M N she was still seated at the table. Plan B. I ESCAPE! I pushed open the door and ran full speed to my car. I peeled out of the parking lot running over a concrete block in the process.

10 MINUTES LATER

I received a text from Decay girl: Good luck Mchenry but I got to go.

I replied: You must have missed me running to my car. I left a while ago.

REMEMBER MY PART TIME JOB???

I received a call from the supervisor who informed me of my termination with the company. He forwarded me the email he was sent from the manager of David’s Bridal. Here are their list of complaints, for your viewing pleasure:

Our new security guard started yesterday. Here are my concerns:

* He had masking tape on his shirt to cover another security companies name
* Customer car broken into right in front of our store, he didn’t even see it
* Did not know who to call about break in/ CSR made the call to report
* Did not walk out any associates leaving building or customers
* Spent time texting while sitting in his chair with back to front window
* Kept trying to engage in conversation with staff while they were cleaning up to close

I truly believe that our guard should exhibit the same professionalism that we expect from our associates. Dress code, conduct etc.
There was no value or sense of security in having this young man here last night.

I also got a call from “Cocaine Addict”

[ Friend from previous adventures who I met in an E.M.T class. He’s addicted to cocaine, hence the name Cocaine Addict]

who met with the EMT company that interviewed me and gave me a ride along. The reason I didn’t get the job? I lack the people skills required for the position. SO they say. However , they DID offer the job to “cocaine addict”.

You’ll be in good hands Northern California.

And maybe he was correct in his opinion of me. I very well lack people skills. And if I can’t cut it as a run of the mill E.M.T. I can’t very well spend 2 years in paramedic school.

[ which I planned to attend]

And so I’m back to square one. I don’t honestly know where to go from here. But I won’t stop believing…

In Butt Sex.

Friends With Benefits

While shaving my nut sack,in preparation for Mobile home girl to play tongue fu with my bunghole, I felt what could only be described as a hard mass/lump/tube/maybe it was nothing at all , but I was alarmed. I am unemployed as you know [or don’t know]  and that means no health insurance. I couldn’t find a free clinic to check me for testicular cancer and despite planned parenthood’s website stating that they provide the service, the few in my area disputed that claim.

SO I did what any reasonable person WOULD do, I browsed online dating profiles looking for anyone with “medical field” or “health care” as their profession so I could email them asking for their services. Most didn’t respond back. Some did, but thought I was asking them to fulfill a strange sexual fetish. I did however find a willing participant, an E.R. nurse,and I met her at Starbucks.

I greeted her in the parking lot and followed her inside.

She bought a flavored coffee or some s h i t and asked me if I wanted something.

Nurse girl: Are you gonna get something?

Mchenry: If your paying for it.

Nurse girl:OK, I’m not cheap.

Mchenry:  Well, your quite the gentleman. I’ll have a regular coffee.

Nurse girl: What! get something good!

Mchenry:  Nah, I don’t wanna intake too many calories.

Starbucks employee: how bout I give you two shots of a vanilla latte in water and you can put some cream in it. If ya don’t like it I’ll give ya a regular coffee

Mchenry:  Sure.

AFTER TWO SIPS

Mchenry: I don’t quite DIG THIS.
Starbucks employee: ok ill get you a coffee

Mchenry:  Splendid

I sat at a table facing Nurse girl.

Mchenry: OK, so are you going to do what you promised to do?

Nurse girl:  Not in here!

Mchenry:  Let’s go out to my car. I’ll park in an isolated spot. We’ll buy gloves at Railey’s. You won’t even have to look as you fondle me.

At this point I mimed the fondling of a nut sack while turning away as not to look as the previously mentioned sack.

Nurse girl: I cant do that here. Maybe my friends house though,I’ll ask her later.

MchenryCruiser: Would it help if you got to know me?

Nurse girl:  Yeah probably.

Mchenry:  You know what I wanna do? I wanna go to a club and dance but I want the club to play house music and have …uummmm flashing lights!  Ya know, like the lights blink on and off , pitch black ,light, pitch black light,know what I mean?

Nurse girl: I think so.

Mchenry: Like I want it to make me feel like I’m in slow motion. Like ya know, what weed makes you feel like ,although I’ve never smoked weed but You can imagine what that would feel like, yes? Dancing, weed, lights on,lights off, booze, GOOD TIMES ,YES?

Nurse girl: Maybe I shouldn’t do it. I can’t diagnose you.

Mchenry:I am not looking for a diagnoses. Just feel my [motion downward] and tell me if something is there  that shouldn’t be there. Thats it.

Nurse girl:  Lemme talk to my friend and I’ll text you later and maybe we can do it at her house.

mchenry:  Are you just saying that because you know you’ll never have to see me again and thus not have to feel my [motion downward gesture]

Nurse girl:no, If I wasn’t going to do it ,I’d say that.

Mchenry: OK , I’ll take you at your word.

We parted ways. My testicles have yet to be fondled by the touch of a gloved hand. And so I carry on. Possibly suffering from testicular cancer. Maybe It’ll be amputated , bagged ,and disposed of in a medical waste container.

But with one remaining love nugget ,I will continue to slay the hood rats……

Until the other succumbs to the cancer and I become nut less. And then once nut less, I will transform my wang into a vagina. Put on lip stick and a dress,

And nose dive into the crotch of a horny lesbian.

The Case Study

Last time “My Picking Up Chicks blog”

Mchenrycruiser, after driving home from his B.J. in the park adventure, had known that he’d never see Mobile home girl again. However Mchenry  was still facing a financial crisis and text Mobile home girl, to ask if McDonald’s was hiring.[She works there]

She gave Mchenry the 411 then proceeded to ask him to hang out. He said he would ,but only if she’d

“Bury her face, ears deep in his a s s h o l e.”

She agreed to do so. But as the time neared , She backed out, stating that

“She had morals and didn’t know Mchenry well enough to do something like that”.

And so Mchenry set out on a mission to determine if what women SAY they’ll do, and what they’ll ACTUALLY do ,are one and the same.

I now present to you:The Case Study

Due to the high protein diet I’ve been on the past few weeks, I knew that my current situation was going to present quite the challenge. That, Plus I was ripping ass all day. I showered and scrubbed my tight yet firm buttocks [due to many years of deep ,ass to the floor squats in the gymnasium] with a variety of soaps and body washes.

I picked out all the dingle berries, and anally probed myself with a Mach 3 razor. It felt as if I was being raped by a hammerhead shark.

Afterwards, I  wedged my fingers between the cheeks and smelled them. If the scent of ass still lingered, I would rinse and repeat.[Like Shampoo] Once odor free, I wiped myself with a paper towel to check for anal leakage. Then I carefully brushed my ass with a water color paintbrush to extract any toilet paper shards that could obstruct Mobile Home Girl’s airway.

All systems were ready for launch. I then made the 10 mile journey east and arrived at a trailer park , deep in an orchard and several minutes away from civilization. She met me outside,gave me a brief hug before I followed her inside. We sat on the couch next to her daughter’s laptop computer. The couch faced a giant mirror that rested on the opposite side of the mobile home.

Mchenrycruiser: GOOD GOD, you are a sexy BEAST!!

Mobile home girl: LOL thanks,well I did try to dress nice

Mchenrycruiser: NO sorry, I was just admiring my reflection, but your not too shabby yourself.

Cheerful at first, mobile home girl’s demeanor turned serious as she grilled me with a series of questions meant to determine what my feelings for her were.

Mobile home girl: You know what we talked about earlier. I just want you to know that I’m not a slut. I am not easy. I have only been with 4 men in my life. SO if you think your just gonna come over here for sex all the time, it ain’t happening. I just want you to know that.

Mchenry: ummm ok.

Mobile home girl: So do you see THIS going anywhere? I am looking for a relationship eventually. But I want it to go slow. I am just getting out of a divorce and I am not use to the whole dating thing ya know.

Mchenry:ummm ok

She rambled on for another few minutes about feelings and about complained that I didn’t listen to her needs, But I wasn’t really paying attention. I was busy contemplating making a move, of a sexual nature.

Mchenry:  Burrrr its cold, provide me warmth with your body heat.

We shared an embrace. It was the perfect merging of 2 bodies coming together and becoming one undistinguishable being.

Then I slid my hand down the back of her panties and grabbed her bare naked a$$. As we made out , I noticed the taste on cough medicine on her tongue. I made a mental note to visit her AGAIN if I developed a cough. [economic crisis]

Our meeting was disrupted by her deaf and blind dog who barked in the general vicinity of our make out session for no apparent reason. She had two other ankle biter dogs who DID have a reason to bark.

Because I was moments away from using the position that THEY made famous and slay their hood rat master once and for all. And then I ripped silent ass. Damn. I had to think quick and make a change of venue before she detected the odor.

Mchenry:  Your dogs are CRAZY! Lets go to your bedroom.

Mobile home girl: ok

Once in her room, I began tossing clothes that were on her bed, onto the floor below.
We began fooling around again. I disrobed her. She was fully nude.

Mchenry: Hold on, I’ve got a condom in my pocket.

Mobile home girl: Oh so you came prepared huh?

As I fumbled with the condom, I chuckled to myself about the speech she gave me, literally, 10 minutes earlier. She said she wasn’t “like that”

Take note gentlemen: They never are, if you ASK them.

Don’t ASK, Don’t tell, just DO.

Mchenry: Guide me in.

She injected herself with my wang. I pounded her like a jack hammer. I grabbed handfuls of her hair and used them like make shift handle bars. After 6-7 minutes, I had her get on top.

Mobile home girl: You like it baby? your so f u c k i n g hot. I want your c o c k inside me

Hmmm, I thought, it IS inside her. This could very well turn awkward.

Mobile home girl: your c o c k feels so good

Maybe her vagina had a 5 second delay like the Grammy Awards.

Mobile home girl: What do you want me to do?

Oh yeah slut, Its case study time. I’m not an asshole. This was science.

Mchenrycruiser: I want you to lick me

Mobile home girl: where at?

Mchenrycruiser: My ass.

Mobile home girl: Well I did promise you didn’t I. Turn around and lay on your stomach.

I did as I was told.  She placed one hand on each cheek, spread them and licked the crack of my a$$.

Mobile Home girl: You like that baby?

Mchnery: Yeah.

She slapped my ass and ran a finger along the inside of the cheeks.

Pressure + my ass= BOOM, METHANE EVERYWHERE.

I flipped over onto my back and ripped silent a$$. If she detected the odor this time, she was being a sport about it. She began to give me oral stimulation.

Mchenry: hahahahahahahahaha don’t stay on the tip.

It tickled, unlike last time, I couldn’t hold it in. She tried and failed several times to do it right but each time was met with the sound of my laughter.

Mobile home girl: I suck at this.

Mchenrycruiser: I am gonna cum on your face.

I straddled her stomach. She put a hand in front of her face to shield herself from the main course at the “Dangling Diner” I pushed her hand away and beat off with great vengeance and furious anger. She turned her face to the side to lessen the impact.

BOOM PROTEIN EVERYWHERE!!

80% of my man batter collided with the right side of her face. The remaining 20 % either landed on her boobies or wound up there when I wiped my wang across her chest to clean up.

Mchenry: So did you like that?

Mobile home girl: It was, Interesting.

She excused herself to go take a shower. My eyes darted across the room as I scanned the area for my clothing. I tried to dress quickly, so , as standard protocol advises, I could escape before she finished the shower. Her bedroom door didn’t have a lock. Midway through getting dressed, Molly the blind deaf dog burst through the door and began to bark.

She was followed in by the other 2 , who jumped onto the bed and barked at me. Which caused
Mobile Home Girl’s shower to end prematurely.

D A M N.

She same out of the bathroom and shooed the dogs out of the room. She chatted some more while I prayed that the end would soon be near.

She received a text message from her daughter  who was on the way home from baby sitting a friends son. I used this as an excuse to make my grand exit from the trailer park.

We hugged good bye and I drove away, cursing myself over my lack of control. I went there to have a woman bury her face ears deep in my asshole  . That DID happen. But I also ended up  balls deep in her vagina. That WASN’T supposed to happen.

But as the old saying goes, “Nothing ever goes according to plan.”

Life hasn’t gone according to plan.

And either way , I wonder sometimes about the outcome of my still verdict-less life.

Mchenrycruiser: The Hood Rat Slayer

As you may recall, I spent a good few days on

http://www.plentyoffish.com

Searching for an obese, socially retarded whale to support me during the economic crisis. I settled for a 40 year old divorcee With two teenage children who live in a mobile home park.

I did the standard, email first , then Instant message ,followed by attaining her number,calling her and setting up a meeting at Starbucks. I did try to get her to give me a tour of the mobile home because “I’ve never seen one before” but her kids vetoed the idea.

Quick note to the tards: When I use quotation marks, it means I’m lying to gain entry into their bedroom. Or I’m referring to something of a sexual nature.

Once I arrived at Starbucks and and saw how packed it was, I knew I had to resort to plan B,which wasn’t so much a plan as it was “Ive got to find somewhere with no people So I can stick my wang in her mouth” A mouth is a hole. Holes, I stick my wang in them. It started at 12 when I first learned of the life changing experience that is ,Beating Off.

Quick note to the tards: When I say “Wang” ,I mean ” Penis”

I was watching “Beavis And Butt-Head” at the time but I can assure you that there was no correlation. Unlike the time when I beat off to the image of Taylor Hansen [lead singer of 90’s Pop sensation Hansen] , before I knew he was a dude. If their was a hole in my house or the general proximity, my wang has been there.

Couch cushions, toilet paper rolls, The wood pecker hole in the center of a big oak tree in the backyard. No holes were safe. The night my family went bowling and my dad stuck his fingers in the holes as he always did before hurling a gutter ball, well , thats when I learned about the birds and the bees. Only in his version, the bee’s stinger was a penis and he used that penis to have inter- species sex with that bird.

In England, They refer to women as birds

IN MY blog , I refer to women as chicks

But they are similar because they both have wings

And women wear those “wings” for one week out of the month. That time frame is call their period, which is what this rant will end with.

She arrived 5 minutes after me and I greeted her with a hug. She peered into my tsunami blue eyes. It was their that I KNEW that my wang was about to be moistened with a non vaginal substance. She had only been divorced for a few months and was married 18 years. She hadn’t been with another man in over 2 decades. If there is such a thing as pity d i c k , she was about to receive it ,along with its contents.

mchenry:  Look how packed this place is, its CRAZY!

mobile home girl: I know ,it gets pretty busy

mchenry: let’s go somewhere more private

mobile home girl: OK theres a park across the street. Wanna go there?

mchenry: Sure!

So with that, we walked back to my car. I opened the door for her, which marked the first gentleman like act Ive ever done for a person. But like the good servant ,I felt it was important to show manners. Because the proper seating of my customers , always takes place right before I blast them in the face with an order from the “Dangling Diner”. If there was such a place, Id like very much to be employed there. But Id never eat the food.

I escorted her to the parking lot of the park. I shut off the engine and radio so that we were now in complete darkness. I then charmed her with witty banter.

Mchenry: So where do you work?

Mobile Home Girl: I work at Mcdonalds.

Mchenry: Ha ha no seriously.

Mobile Home Girl: I work at McDonalds!

Mchenry: Oh well, at least you HAVE a job.

Mobile Home Girl: What’s wrong with my job??!!

Mchenry: Nothing, I’m just giving you a hard time [awkward chuckle]

Mchenry: Buurrrrrr its getting cold.

I wrapped my arm around her body and pulled her towards me. She didn’t resist. I began to rub her legs and ass. She didn’t resist. I slid my hand down the back of her panties. She didn’t resist. Either she was a slut ,or after 20 years ,she just needed some d i c k with that New car smell.

I placed my hand on her chin and lifted her head upward. Her eyes met mine. I went in for the kiss. She got better as it progressed. Its just like riding a bike. If that bike tasted like cigarettes. And if that bike tasted like cigarettes, I’d stop licking it.

I placed her hand on my wang. She resisted THAT ,at first. So I kissed her a few minutes more,then I tried again. This time she rubbed it. So I struggled with my belt to unleash it. She heard the noise,especially the sound of the zipper moving downward. She KNEW it was coming. She was about to be face to face with the beast known as CockZilla: The Lady Thrilla.

I unleashed the fury of my wang and placed her hand on it again. She stroked it as I kissed her neck. I grabbed a handful of her hair and forced her head downward. She gasp “OH YOU WANT ME TO SUCK IT” Then that she did. My wang had blown the dust off that mouth of hers as it came out of retirement to return to the league.

Mchenry: Suck on my balls!

Mobile Home Girl: oh you like that?!

Mchenry: ya!

She sucked on my balls. Normally when I demand the sucking of my balls, the girl will reply with ,”How am I supposed to do that” and I’ll say “One at a time”. They’ll do it for literally 30 seconds then say “Does this really DO ANYTHING for you?”

However this older chick really took to suckling my testicles. Then she went back to sucking my shaft. I stuck my hand down the back of her panties and placed a finger in the crack of her ass. Usually when I do that Ill be greeted with slivers of toilet paper but this chick was clean.

She focused a bit much on the head which made me wanna laugh. I bit down on my hand. But it was too much and I began to moan in an attempt to disguise my laughter. But she took that as a sign that I loved what she was doing and focused even more on the head.

Mchenry: ohohohohoh ohohohohoh suck my balls. MY FUCK IN BALLS. SUCK THEM.

she moved downward to the balls and I was able to compose myself.

Mobile Home Girl: Oh you like that baby? You gonna c u m for me huh?

She was talking dirty. And that was HOT.

She stroked my with her hand and mouth at the same time.

Mchenry:FASTER

She chuckled the kind of chuckle that indicated that she KNEW i was about to blast her in the face. She turned  up the power to warp speed.

Mchenry: Oh god I’m gonna cum

BOOM PROTEIN EVERYWHERE.

She removed her mouth from the wrath of my wang. I wasn’t expecting THAT. I erupted like a volcano all over the interior of my car. Bucket loads of wang juice covered my semi nude body.

Mobile Home Girl:  Wow THAT was a good one!!!

Mchenry: Yuck. Hand me the tissues on the back seat.

I cleaned my shaft and balls and she watched in delight of the sight [unintentional rhyme] I rolled down my window to throw the tissues out onto the pavement.

Mobile Home Girl:  Don’t do that lol I think we can find a trash can.

Mchenry: The WORLD is my trash can.

I pulled my pants up and buttoned them. I wanted to leave. She wanted to cuddle. D A M N. So thats what we did. For like 20 minutes.

Mobile Home Girl: don’t worry,you’ll meet my kids soon enough.

Oh no, I thought, WHAT DID I DO??

Mchenry: Ummm cool?

Mobile Home Girl: I guess you can come home with me if you want.

Mchenry: What about your kids?

Mobile Home Girl: They’ll have to understand that I want to get to know someone.

Mchenry: Ahh I see, well its way past my bed time.

Mobile Home Girl: are you gonna see me again??

Mchenry: Of course

Mobilehomegirl: this is the first time Ive siled in a long time.

Oh Know, WHAT DID I DO!

Mobile Home Girl:  Your good lookin!

Mchenry:   Thank you

At least she didn’t say I looked weird.

Then I drove her back to the parking lot of Starbucks. We cuddled some more. She wanted to kiss me. I knew that. I also knew that I didn’t want the taste of wang juice to invade my taste buds. But it had been awhile so I figured the saliva must have washed it away by this point. I kissed her again and we said our goodbyes.

I drove home with the knowledge that Id never see her again. I didn’t feel bad about lying to her. I didn’t feel good either. Just indifferent. I pondered that thought as the salty taste of wang juice lingered in my mouth.

Mchenrycruiser:The Hood rat Slayer is no more.

I arrived home and checked the mail. In it was a letter from an ambulance company I applied for and interviewed for. “YA! REDEMPTION MOTHA F U C K A”
I thought as I opened it to read its contents.

“Were sorry to inform you that we’ve chosen another candidate for the position you applied for. Good luck in your future endeavors.”

I waver back and fourth as to what it is that I want from this life. I don’t know the answer yet. But I do know that I am tired of being a nobody. I’m tired of HAVING nobody. I’m not retiring from the game. But I do look forward to it. I’m tired of running from the truth.

Because the truth is, I’m not done with hood rats. I haven’t even scratched the surface.

But I have scratched the rash on my nut sack.

6 Degrees of Mchenrycruiser

The day after I did my touching rendition of Chris Brown’s ” With You”

[R an B song]

I returned to the same bowling alley to reconnect with an old friend and make good on a promise I made her years before. Which was to buy her a drink. She was leery that I’d attempt a sexual advance.

Rachael: I am letting you know right now that I have no intentions of sleeping with you.

Mchenry: No woman does. They just wake up and are like “WHAT DID YOU PUT IN MY DRINK?”

Rachael:……

Mchenry: Just Kidding

We sat at the bar and talked about old times. We were co workers at a security company and would frequently visit each others work site to make out. Shed let me slide my hand down the back of her panties and dry hump her.

However, Her Boobies
were off limits.

I didn’t nail her either. I’d have had to commit to get that far and back then I wasn’t as much of an a$$hole.

Flash forward to present day where the last few hours Ive been searching online dating sites to find the nastiest , most obese centerfold for meat magazine I can find  who may be willing to support me during this economic crisis.

I know its a scummy thing to do. But I’m down to that or whoring myself out to dudes for money.

She’s basically a female AFC [ Average Frustrated Chump]and complained about the lack of male attention she received the day before at a bar. We finished our drinks and I waited for her in the lobby while she used the restroom. She didn’t lock the door.

This was discovered when an old black homeless lady walked inside and opened the door on her exposing Rachael seated on the toilet, panties around her ankles , sporting an “O”  [ Shock] face. It wasn’t as hot as the pictures in Hustler Magazine.

She composed herself and we sat outside. She smoked a cigarette.

Mchenry: Burrrr its cold, Im going to use your body heat for warmth. Dont be afraid.

Rachael:  Lol ok

I wrapped my arms around her waist and rested my chin on her shoulder.

She flipped through her cell phone to show me pictures of a shirtless dude with chest hair like Burt Reynolds.

Mchenry:  Wow hes RIPPED!

WOW , So its come to this. Here I was.

Mchenrycruiser or as the ladies refer to as “Cockasaurus Rex:The Sultan of sex” ,

rooting on a woman to have sexual relations with a guy that wasn’t me and to floss her teeth with his chest hair.

I’ve come a long way since the time when I boned a Milf in her forties then afterwards, attempted to seduce her 21 year old daughter, so that I could complete

“The circle of life” [ Also an Elton John song]

It didn’t work but that moment DID mark the first time I referenced a phrase in an animated film to score sweet poonanny. [ vagina]

Rachael finished her cigarette and we walked back to her car where we shared an embrace. It was beautiful in its simplicity. It was like two souls merging together to form one being. I slid my hand down her back and lingered on the upper half of her a$$. Well that just killed the romantic tone I was going for sorry.

I released her from my Kung Fu grip and our eyes met. I could have kissed her there and she’d let me. A tsunami of vaginal fluid would have spilled from her panties and forever stained the pavement below. Id need an inflatable raft to row to safety. And if that raft had only room for one , I might lose a good friend. I didn’t want to tarnish our friendship.

Fast Forward to Thursday Night. I had another internet meet up at Starbucks with a 25 year old self proclaimed nerd.

Nerd: Are you getting a coffee?

Mchenry: Yeah if your paying.

Nerd: OK

And thats the advantage of dating nerd girls. Nerd girls are afc’s. And afc’s pay for everything. We sat at a table and shared conversation.

Nerd: I’ve been reading a book about the German god “Odin”

Mchenry: Never heard of him

Nerd: He’s a famous god!

Mchenry: If he was famous id know who he was.

Nerd: Well he’s really old!

Mchenry: yeah so is Jesus but I’ve HEARD of him. I think Odin need a new publicist. Odin needs to figure out who the publicist of Jesus is and hire THAT guy.

nerd: …

She informed me that her sister was the regional manager of all taco bell’s in the state. Remembering the current economic crisis , I pleaded for her help in gaining employment within the franchise. She promised to help.

Nerd girl is in college and is a philosophy major but currently working as a Barista at Starbucks, a different location then where we were currently.

mchenry: So what do you want to become?

nerd: I dunno. I just want the degree.

mchenry: I know what you should do!

nerd: Really? What?

mchenry: Become the regional manager of Del Taco and challenge your sister to a duel using burritos like light sabers.

[darth vader voive] LUKE , I said hold the onions.

Nerd:…..

I finished the coffee and persuaded her to buy me a vanilla late. Then as Starbucks was closing ,we walked outside

Mchenry: Burrrrr I’m cold, I’m gonna use your body heat for warmth. Do not be alarmed.

nerd:  okay

I wrapped my arms around her waist and began to kiss her neck while grinding my wang into her a$$. She allowed me at first then turned away.

Nerd: Lol not in public!

I forgot the line I used here but I do recall that I blatantly stole it from a DR. Phil episode I watched earlier that day. It has to do with not caring what others think of you.

She told me to text her sometime. I assured her that I would.

I knew she wouldn’t put out or touch by wang. I am quite fond of her though.

Fast forward to Saturday night. I received a call from the drunken bar chick who was pushed by billy. If you recall that incident then you also know that I was owed a massage in return for the drama she created that night.

[ If you don’t recall, it’s because you’ve not read that Feild Report yet]

However, she didn’t deliver on that promise. But she DID invite me to a crap dinner at a restaurant not far from my house.

I drove to the parking lot of a grocery store to meet her for a ride. From there, we traveled to the restaurant.

Bar girl: So whats new with your life?

Mchenry: Nothing. Although I AM contemplating jumping off the golden gate bridge.

Bar girl:  Lol don’t say that and besides, what if you only break your legs?

Mchenry: I’ll dive head first or belly flop.

Bar girl: wow lol I really like the honesty.

Mchenry: So whats up with that job you were supposed to get me? [ worker at a group home]

Bar girl: I haven’t heard back from them

Mchenry: Bitch, just being honest like you like.

We arrived at the restaurant and walked inside to meet up with her friends. It was a couple in their mid to late 30’s. She had warned me earlier that they were “Hicks”. 40 % of people I meet suspect that I am gay due to my metro look.I was again wearing the “Lion shirt”. [ worn in previous adventures that made some women think I was gay]

Shit was about to get real.

The husband looked eerily similar to Tim Allen’s bearded side kick on “Home Improvement”[ 90’s TV Sitcom]

I shook their hands and took my seat at the table. They were half way through their meal of crab legs.

Bar girl: Sorry we are late lol.

Wife: That’s ok your always late!

Mchenry: With you she’s just late. With me,  she just stands me up completely.

Husband: She’s not late. It just takes her 2 days to get ready.

Mchenry: Well I just wait in my car with a sleeping bag for like a day and a half and then finally when I realize she’s not coming,thats when I pack it in and head home.

Bar girl: You gonna order anything to eat?

Mchenry: Yeah if your paying.

Bar girl: Well I’m not hungry so lets just order from the appetizer menu. What do you want to get?

Mchenry: ummm [I scrolled down the list of choices] The chicken wings! [i needed my protein, I lift weights]

We chatted some while waiting for the wings

Bar girl: I’m getting a strawberry vodka, do you want one?

Mchenry: Yeah…if your paying.

bargirl:  OK lol

The chicken wings arrived and so did the drinks. I sipped it down. Halfway through I was buzzed. We finished the meal and headed into the bar area for more booze. I asked for and received another strawberry vodka.

Mchenry: I’m not cheap, I’m just unemployed.

Husband: Don’t worry, I’ll probably be too soon.

Mchenry:  What do you do?

Husband: I work at Bass Pro shop

Mchenry:  Are they hiring?

Husband: No

After the drinks, we excused ourselves to leave. Bar girl drove me back to the parking lot. During the drive their she humored me with a story of her sexual escapades the night before. She apparently had hot sex with a dude she had just met that night in Vegas.

Mchenry:  Was a girl involved?

Bar girl:  lol which time?

Mchenry: NO WAY. Will you have a 3some with me?

Bar girl: ok lol but I’m picky on the women I sleep with.

Mchenry: SPLENDID!

I exited her vehicle and bid her fair well. I felt a vibration in my right pant’s pocket. It was a call.

Mchenry: Hello?

Whats up? Wanna do something?

It was nerd girl from Starbucks.

Mchenry: What do you wanna do?

Nerd girl: I WANNA DANCE!!!

Mchenry:  But I’m drunk and in a grocery store parking lot.

Nerd: I’ll come get you!

Mchenry: ok bring booze because I don’t wanna lose my buzz.

40 MINUTES LATER

She arrived and I entered her car and sat down.

nerd: my mom has some Smirnoff Ice [alcohol] in the freezer. We’ll go back to my house and hang out until eleven or so then go to the club.

I felt uneasy because last time I went to the club I displayed the worst dancing in the history of mankind.

[ Read post entitled “I said I’d always be there for her, 5 years later I was balls deep in her sister”]

But this was my first chance at redemption. I had to man up and make magic happen.

During the ride there she made several “Harold and Kumar” references and gave ma a nice little recap of the movie and its sequel which I’ve never seen. She was a fan of Niel Patrick Harris.

[ gay actor from Doogie Howser M.D.and How I met your mother]

Mchenry: You knew he’s gay right

Nerd: No lol he is? But in the movie he’s always talking about pussy!

Mchenry: He likes to be pounded in the ass like a jackhammer.

Nerd: really! He is even more interesting now!

Mchenry: Oh so you are a fan of the gays?

Nerd: Yeah I love gay people!

Mchenry: You know, 40 % of people I meet think I am gay!

Nerd: It’s probably because you have style and dress well.

Mchenry: I know! I was trying to explain that to a dude today. Finally I just said “dude, if you don’t stop calling me gay , I’m going to stop sucking your cock!

Nerd: LOL THATS SO FUNNY.

Mchenry: I am just kidding.  OR AM I?

We arrived at her house and went inside.

She got the Smirnoff Ice out of the fridge. I drank one and then another. She turned on some music and began to dance.

Mchenry: I can’t dance. I don’t know how. TEACH ME.

She took my hand and guided me gently off the couch. I began to grind on her ass and rub her body from behind. I was fully aroused. She then excused herself to put on some make up in the bathroom. I followed her inside ,wrapped my arms around her waist and began kissing her neck.

Nerd: Lol stop I’m trying to put on make up!

Mchenry: Hurry up then I don’t wanna lose my buzz.

I walked into the living room and grabbed her half drunken Smirnoff and watched it make the journey from her bottle to my mouth. I was in and out conciousness.I’m a light weight.

Fast Forward

Now we are in her car on our way to the club. I placed my hand on her inner thigh and gently massaged her leg.

Nerd: I used to date this one guy and he called me a Goddess at giving blow jobs!

Mchenry: Really? good times. So you gonna prove that to me

Nerd: ummm I think I’ve built it up too much now. You’d be dissapointed.

Mchenry: …..Bitch, I only say that because I know you appreciate honesty.

nerd: What the fuck?

Oh right, that was bar girl. Damn.

Mchenry: Why do you get mad at the things I say when I’m drunk?

Nerd: ……..

We parked at the club and got out to wait in line. A group of hot Hispanic chicks in their early twenties walked past us.

Nerd: here come the sluts!

Mchenry: WHERE! Oh thats just offensive. I am disgusted.

My Wang began to grow like Pinnochio’s nose when he lies.

[Disney Character]

She ordered me a beer and some other kind of drink that I chugged down quickly. She guided me to the dance floor. Hot chicks were eye fucking me as I walked past. This was the second time in my life Ive been to a club and the first time I’ve enjoyed it.

I ground my Cockasaurus Rex into her ass and lower back. I wanted to bend her over and score a hole in one. I felt her Boobies and tweaked her nipples pretending they were the knob on a radio. I observed a group of young looking white dudes wearing affliction shirts and dancing together in a group with no chicks. It struck me as odd. I watched then snapping their fingers and doing the “head bob” It was hypnotic.

I began to snap my fingers and do the “head bob”

Nerd girl gave me a bewildered look and sat down in a chair by the dance floor. I straddled her and ground my wang into her pussy while giving her the worst lap dance in the history of man kind. I blacked out. Then I came to and we were in the smoking area of the club and seated in individual chairs. She was on her phone with a female friend of hers. She wanted to go hang out with her at another bar.

FAST Forward

We walked down the street to meet up with her friend but first stopped at a different bar to go to the bathroom. I heard a voice shout my name As I made my way through the bodies. “Hey Mchenry” It was my friend rachael with a date.

Mchenry: RACHAEL?

Rachael: Yeah lol

Mchenry: Is that Greg? [ Her Ex]

Rachael: No LOL

Mchenry: Oh I thought You were her babies daddy! You look similar. But YOU are very tall, and large. You could probably hurt me in a fight. You would destroy me. I am fragile.

I’m a pu$$Y when intoxicated.

Mchenry: I’ve never boned Rachael! I tried several time but she rejected me. I said ” wanna f u c k ?” and she was like  “Nope” Excuse me I gotta piss.

After I came out of the bathroom, I introduced Rachael to nerd girl.

They chatted for a bit.

Mchenry to nerd girl: We better leave. I don’t wanna ruin their date. Plus her date is very tall, and large and his eyes are shifting almost as if to say “That F U C K I N G mchenry!”

Rachael:  LOL

The date: Lol nah i wasn’t thinking that.

We left the bar and walked a half block to another where we met up with the friend . The music was loud and I couldn’t overhear the conversation. But the friend was cute and visions of glorious 3 way sex danced in my head. Both of them.

Next, myself, nerd girl and the cute friend began to dance. I was to the side of nerd girl at first but inched my way in between them. I placed my hands on nerd girls back and the friend’s as well. She didn’t resist. She wanted to chow down at the “Dangling Diner” [My wang]  I wanted to be her waiter.

But nerd girl’s jealousy took over and she demanded that we leave the bar claiming to be “tired” Tired of the cruiser fondling that sweet ass maybe. I should have gotten the friend’s number but I afraid Id be abandoned and left to fend for myself with no ride or place of my own to layeth the mack down.

Fast Forward

We were on the road again. We stopped off at Taco Bell to grab some food to help us sober up.

Mchenry: We should have went to Dell Taco!

Nerd: I hate Dell Taco!

Mchenry: With that attitude I wouldn’t expect to become the regional manager anytime soon.

Fast Forward

Now we were back at the parking lot next to my car. My hand was still on her thigh. I opened the car door but then gently touched her chin in my hand and guided her towards me. I kissed her. She kissed back. My tongue entered her mouth and her’s into mine.

Nerd:  Yuck you taste like taco bell, kiss my neck.

I kissed her neck.

Nerd:  lol ok thats enough. Ive gotta go.

Mchenry: Bitch  [ Said in a joking manner]

And then we parted ways for the second time in two days. I lingered there in the parking lot for several moments , under the light of the moon and came to one conclusion.

I would never be able to top this night .

Unless another night includes Butt Sex.

Fun With Foriegners

I conversed over the phone with a 43 year old woman from pof. Due to my unemployment, not only have I scraped the bottom of the barrel for some dating excitement, Ive rented a jack hammer and managed to unearth a few more feet. Disgusting feet, With yellow toe nails and callouses. Where I am going with this?

Plentyoffish.com has a lotta ugly chicks,thats what I mean. These aren’t the type of fish that you put on display in a tank, in you living room. This is the kind of fish you catch in a net,chop into slivers and feed to your cat. But I’m bored and so I date women for sport. My weapon of choice, a wang. I stick my wang in things.

SO I was talking to this chick and things were going ok until I received a pic of her via text. She looked like a Pocahontas,the Indian princess……..if Pocahontas was fat with f u c k e d up teeth and not very attractive.

In other words,she looked nothing like paocahontas the Indian princess. Sorry, I should have clarified that earlier. I let loose when I talk to fat chicks. I test out all my new material on fat chicks to see how it goes over. I don’t care if I offend them.Its like a comedian that tries out new material in s h i t t y comedy clubs before sharing it with the world on The Tonight Show. In other words, fat chicks are my s h i t t y comedy club.

mchenry: have you ever burried your face,ears deep ,in a man’s a$$hole?

indiangirl:OMG you r a pig

mchenry: did you know pigs have 30 minute orgasms?

indiangirl:no And I don’t care

mchenry:I knew that ,but you know who does?Jessica Simpson

indiangirl:I dont care about celebrities!

mchenry:I figured that but you know who does?TMZ! and they’ll soon be reporting the Jessica Simpson’s orgasms will be extended by 29 minutes and 45 seconds.

Because she got fat.

indiangirl:WTF are you talking about

mchenry: IM just talkin bout SHAFT!

CLICK.

She hung up. But I didn’t care. You know how when your paying for eggs at the store and they cost 2.99 , so you give them 3 one dollar bills, and they give you back a penny? But instead of putting the penny in your wallet, you throw it on the ground. I care more about THAT penny then I do fat chicks.

I don’t think fat chicks throw pennies though. I think they care about the environment. This one in particular recycles. I know this because instead of deleting my number like any rational human being would, she gave it to her friend.

Hmm I sure have some s h i t t y segways in this story.

SO the friend calls me and she’s Hindu which I thought meant black at the time. Turns out though,that its the fiji islands or some s h i t that shes from. So we talk and she had a funny accent that I didn’t like. A chick with a funny accent might as well be a fat chick.

mchenry: Send me a nude photo of yourself,I’m horny

hindugirl: OMG your a perv

mchenry: i don’t apologise for being a sexual being. Photos,send them,now

She didn’t send the nudes I requested but did in fact send a photo. She was fat. DOUBLE WHAMMY.Fat chick + funny accent= Jessica Simpson and I’d hit that.Refer to paragraph # 2. “I stick my wang in things”

SO I kept hounding her to meet me. If she declined,Id hang up on her. When I did that,shed call me back or text me. And this went on for a period of 3 days. But I finally got her to agree to meet me in the parking lot of Mcdonalds. But she didn’t come alone. She brought the Indian friend.

As I approached them ,the Hindu greeted me with a heartfelt compliment…

hindugirl: you look weird

mchenry:ummm is that bad?

hindu girl:i dunno, I mean ,you just look different

mchenry: in a bad way or a good way?

hindu girl: I dunno

I half thought about turning around and making a mad dash for my car but instead pressed on.We walked inside where the Indian friend placed an order. The Hindu walked over to sit at a booth near the back entrance.I followed behind. She was 5″1 slightly fat with horrible skin. She looked like Seal,the singer not the animal. She walked like the Penguin. The animal, not the villain in Batman. Although The villain in Batman DID in fact , walk like the animal, so please disregard my earlier observation.

She sat down. I sat beside her. I caught her starring at my crotch.

“She must WANT IT”i thought. She looked nervous, or scared, or disgusted. I wasn”t sure which.

mchenry: are you nervous

hindugirl:a little

mchenry:do you want me to leave

hindugirl:no its ok

mchenry:then what is it?

hindugirl: nothing

mchenry: you don”t like the way I look?

hindugirl:its not that. wheres my friend?

She kept peeking around the corner to see if her friend was coming to save the day. I couldn’t believe she felt the NEED to be saved. I should have been swept off my feet in this Beauty and The Beast scenario. Instead ,I was made aware from the start that I was the elephant in the room. How ironic.

The friend returned and talked about the guys she met on pof. Rather, the guys she spoke on the phone too. as she rambled I thought

“Well, I”m here,shes here. I may as well try to cop a feel. She is fat,so who cares what happens. Shes my s h i t t y comedy club.”

I placed my hand on her upper thigh. She pushed it away.

hindugirl: DON”T TOUCH ME!

mchenry:lol what?

I tried again.

DON’T TOUCH ME.I don’t like to be touched.

mchenry:fine Ill touch your friend instead.

I got up and attempted to sit by the friend but she scooted to the edge of the seat to prevent it. DON’T TOUCH ME. I was getting it from both sides now.I sat back down by the Hindu. My mind began to wonder. I looked at the Indian friend who made eye contact with the Hindu,giving a “look” as if it were some sort of non verbal apology. I looked at the Hindu ,who stared at the wall with a look of “help me” on her face. I couldn’t belive she felt the NEED to be helped.

I leaned over ,on the edge of my seat and on the balls of my feet [unintentional rhyme]

mchenry: I gotta go see ya later

I said that as I made a mad dash out the back entrance. They probably caught only half of my fair well greeting. I ran to my car and peeled out of the parking lot and a bad situation. I received a text

hindugirl: see you suck

and another

hindugirl: don’t ever call me again

mchenry: I wasn’t going to lol

hindugirl: you look like a f a g you should be meeting guys not girls

mchenry: you look fat and ugly

hindugirl: i like the way I look

mchenry:f u c k off Osama

Considering the source, It didn’t hurt my self esteem any. I went to the gym across the street where I was complimented by the hottie at the front desk.

hottie:I like your shirt

mchenry:thanks cuz someone just swore that I was gay for wearing this

hottie:no i like it,its not boring like most of the shirts guys wear

mchenry: thanks now the odds are 50-50 that I’m straight. Hope I get more compliments on it so the odds go up.
It was a yellow ,beaded Lion Shirt.