CHEMISTRY

” I went skydiving. I went rocky mountain climbing. I went 2.7 seconds on a bull named Foo Man Choo.”

You know what I hate about that song other than it’s naming a bull after after a long, thin mustache/beard combo?

Its the following conversation:

guy #1: Before I die I want to climb Mount Everest!

guy#2:You are aware that thousands of people have died attempting that right?

guy#1:Yeah but I wanna feel alive.

guy #2: So in order to “Feel Alive” you have to almost die, but not die?

You cannot “Feel” alive. Being alive isn’t a feeling. Being horny is a feeling. That’s my philosophy. But its not so much about “feeling alive” as it is tempting fate. It’s for that reason that women continue to bang Magic Johnson. For the same reason I want to bang 18 year old girls.

Because I want to almost break the law,but not break the law. I wanna be close to having inappropriate sexual conduct with a minor but get off on a technicality. I not only want to tempt fate, but pry it open with the jaws of life that is my dong.

Ask and you shall receive.

I met an 18 year old girl during a security event and got her number when she asked if I wanted cake. I didn’t want cake. I wanted pie. Poon tang pie. Poon tang pie and hold the pubes. I wanted a nice hairless, flesh colored triangle to teeth on like I was a 1 year old child gumming a plastic G I Joe action figure.

Chick: Do you guys want any cake?

MC:No, but I’ll take you number.

Chick: ummmm ok.

PA: But first, are you 18 or older?

Chick: I am 18. How old are you?

MC: I am 24.

I type her number into my phone.

MC: Good. Now when I text you and say it’s PA. You’ll have mine.

Yeah I lied. I claimed to be 5 years younger than my actual age of 29. There are two simple choices one can make in life and they are as follows:

1. Lie and get what you want.

2. Be honest and do not get what you want.

For example, A politician who is an atheist cannot admit to being so because the majority of Americans are Christian. They would not elect an Atheist. So the politician must lie. Why? Because he wants to win. It’s that simple.

Same thing with scoring sweet poonanny. If I want to feed a woman’s beaver some wood, I can’t admit to being unemployed. Therefore I am always either a cop, Firefighter, Paramedic, Or Marine. These are “Sexy” jobs. Have you ever noticed when a woman introduces her boyfriend it goes as follows:

Chick: This is John, He is a Fire marshall!

It’s always, Name followed by occupation. Woman define men by the job that they do. So do I feel guilty when I lie to them? No. Why? Because I want to win. Victory can only be attained by vaginal penetration. After that, Its doesn’t matter. Ask any professional boxer and they will tell you that winning the title for the second time never feels as good as the first time that they won it.

And for any hot chick you see on the street , There is a guy who is tired of banging her.
a s s holness comes with age gentlemen.

I learned via text message that the 18 year old chick had joined the Navy and was 2 weeks away from shipping out. And for any Woman who has joined the armed forces, there is some dude out there who gave them some “Fair well D i c k ”

MC: Wanna get together before you ship out?

Chick: I want to.

MC: Wanna watch a movie at my place?

Chick: Yeah that sounds good.

I never encountered a female so eager to come to my crappy one bedroom apartment in the ghetto. We agreed that I would pick her up from the parking lot of “Red Lobster” If I were to get Crabs after this encounter, some might find that Ironic. Some might call it Karma. But I do not believe in wise tales or superstitions. I am a man of science. But I never tell women that, because I want to get laid.

There are 2 things that you should never discuss when attempting to get laid.

1. Politics

2. Religion.

Same those 2 discussions for when you want them to break up with you. And if those don’t do the trick. Tell them you hate children.

And if that doesn’t work, Introduce them to Magic Johnson.

MC: Let me introduce you to Magic Johnson!

chick: Does that mean he has a magic d i c k?

MC: Yeah something like that.

Chick: Does it grant wishes? lol

MC: Yeah, If you wish for Aids.

\

Damn I have become an offensive bastard. Please send all hate mail to:

mchenrycruiser@yahoo.com

I picked her up and together we made the 7 mile journey back to my apartment. To get her in the mood, I selected the film “My Best Friend’s girl” starring Dane Cook. When I did stand up comedy, I was described as a hybrid of both Dane Cook and Robin Williams. At the time, I thought thought that meant that I was hilarious.

I’ve since learned that it meant that I tell jokes with no punch lines and have a hairy back. That’s why I shave my body hair before any sexual encounters with the ladies.

As the movie progressed, I gently rubbed her thighs and stomach. I traced her fingers with my fingertips. This is how you get women in the mood. Pick up artists refer to it as “Keno” ,Which is light touches that gradually increase to turn a woman on. It’s meant to show her that you are a sexual being and keep you out out of “The Friend Zone”.

Halfway through the movie I placed her hand on my wang. She rubbed it through my jeans. I then unleashed the fury of my wang and exposed it to the outside world. She rubbed it again. I placed my hand on her face, tilted it upward and proceeded to demonstrate my tongue fu ability. As I did this I undid the button on her jeans and positioned myself to slide them off.

I unhooked her bra and sucked on her nipples. I massaged though her panties with my fingers. I reached into my wallet for a condom and put it on. I slapped her ass and she reacted like a horse being kicked by a stirrup on a boot.

MC: Guide me in.

I always say that because I have yet to master the art of finding the vagina hole. Once inside I began to thrust my wang inside her.

MC: Do you like that girl?

Chick: Yes.

MC: Do you like that d i c k?

chick: [silent]

MC: huh?

Chick:yes.

I’ve learned that sex is more fun when you degrade the woman during the act of intercourse. I slap their ass , pull their hair and talk dirty. I am hardcore.

I positioned her on her hand and knees and attempted the doggy style position.

MC: Guide me in.

She tried and failed. I tried and failed. If I had a map, compass , or chart of the stars, then perhaps I would have succeeded. But time was of the essence. I repositioned her missionary again and pounded her like a jackhammer. I straddled her and pulled the condom off. I began to beat off with great vengeance and furious anger. She removed her glasses. She knew what was about to happen.

BOOM protein everywhere.

She opened her mouth and allowed the contents of my testicles to flow inside. She was a freak. Once my nuts were drained of all their natural resources, she began to suck me off. I lingered there, hovering above her face with my wang dangling in her mouth and rested.

Afterward, We for a while we both laid on my couch and held each other. If she was 10 years older or I was 10 years younger, I very well could have committed to her. There was chemistry….

Was it Love?
Was it fate?
or do I feel the same after I masturbate? Hmmm

Was it the act of peeling her panties off her waist?

Or was it the feeling of blasting her with my wang
right square in the face?

Will she feel the same about me when she goes back home?
or has she had so many trains ran on her that they call her “The Railroad”?/ end rap

She shipped out on the 26th day of October. I attempted to see her one last time but she claimed to be to busy planning her move. But for a moment I found something special, something sacred in her eyes. I hope to find that again.

 

But if I don’t find it in a pair of beautiful eyes,

 

I’ll continue to look in vagina.

 

 

Lonely People

Through an online dating website [POF] I met a 37 year old woman with the user name “Lonely chick”

Lonely chicks require little effort to bang. The only qualification needed is to be in the same room as them. BOOM. Done.

In order to make myself appear to be more of a catch on the website. I changed my occupation from “Baller” to “Paramedic / Former Marine. I know very little about marines other than what I saw on an HBO documentary hosted by the guy who played “Tony Soprano”

But people often mistake me for a marine based on my clean cut appearance. so whenever asked….

random person: Are you a marine?

MC: Yes, Yes I am!

I then proceed to share stories from Iraq that I stole from various soldiers on the documentary I saw. I do not lie. They are true stories. I just didn’t live them. But somebody did. I wanna shake that man’s hand. But he is missing both of them and a leg.

After speaking with “Lonely chick”, A plan to hammered was set in motion.

Game Plan: She was to purchase Vodka and diet coke. [ I have since learned that is goes much better with orange juice] She would come to my apartment and we would “Watch a movie” [secret code for bang known only to myself] Boom. Done.

We were to meet originally at 8 pm. 9 pm arrived and she was still a no show. She wouldn’t answer her phone either. I had an empty stomach and fully loaded testicles. EITHER ONE OF THOSE SITUATIONS ARE ENOUGH TO MAKE FOR A DAY.

A worse day is when I run out of toilet paper and have to dig through the bathroom garbage to find discarded cardboard rolls to wipe with. That is very irritating to my a s s h o l e. I walk bow legged the next day as a result. But at least I have legs, unlike some of those poor souls on the HBO documentary that I saw.

Comforted by the knowledge of fully attached limbs, I dozed off.

I awoke to a phone call.

Chick: Sorry, my car ran out of gas and I had to walk to my home boys house, get gas and then walk back. I forgot my phone in the car when that happened so I didn’t get your calls.

mc: hmm O K. SO you gonna come over with booze?

Chick: Yes , Let me spend some time at my home boys house and then I will come over.

mc: Hmm ok.

She used the term “Home Boy” That is a term best reserved for people of African decent. Nobody wants to be white anymore. Ask any white person what they consider themselves. Its never a white American. It is always ….

Random Person: I am half a quarter French , 1/3 Italian, a fifth of Spanish, and a half German.

mc: Hmmm, Over looking the fact that I don’t think your percentages add up, You Miss, are a white American. Go back far enough in anyones life and they will have ancestors from some place else. Following your logic, I can claim to be part Dinosaur and cave man.

But I don’t . I am a white American. I was born and raised in America! And I walked the streets of Modesto,CA, greeting and shaking the hands of all my fellow Americans, I came one conclusion……….

E= MC squared. But I didn’t invent that, That was Albert Einstein.

But!

If E-=Entertainment and MC= McHenry cruiser

It would mean nothing. It’s just another one of my random “stream of conciousness”
ramblings. That is all. SO f u ck you and your ancestors too.

At nearly midnight, Lonely Chick arrived in the parking lot of my Apartment complex. Yeah, another 3 hours had passed but she made up for it with Vodka and diet coke. Things were going according to plan. Lonely Chick has tattoos , short hair and looked like a biker chick hooked on heroin. Thank god for booze. Although he didn’t invent it….

That was Albert Einstein. f u c k you and your history too. I rewrite history. Take that history. You don’t define me.

Lonely chick: So you were a marine? I always find myself attracted to marines.

mc: Yes, Yes I was.

See, I told you I say that.

lonely chick: What was it like in Iraq?

At this point I had downed to glasses of mostly vodka with a light dusting of Diet coke. I was hammered. Things were going according to plan.

mc: I never like driving the tank. I was scared of being struck by an I.U.D. [sounded good] When we drove the tank, The Iraqi soldiers would send children to stand in front of our tanks. We were instructed to run them over. They were decoys. [Tears began to run down my cheeks as I recited this tale from the documentary that I saw]

Lonely chick: Thats awful. I heard that from friends of mine who are over there.

mc: I still wake up at night screaming[ sounded good]

I poured another glass of vodka with a pinch of diet coke. I passed out and from this point I have only vague memories of what transpired. At one point I had fumbled around with a condom in an unsuccessful attempt to put it on.

lonely chick: You don’t need that for head do you?

mc: Umm no?

I blacked out and woke up. Still mid blow job. I pushed her head of my penis and positioned her onto the floor. With great vengeance furious anger, and a full bladder , I beat off onto her clothed body. She excused herself to go to the bathroom. I passed out.

I woke up. It was daylight and she was gone. I was laying on the couch in an upright position. A towel was on the floor next to me. I went to the bathroom where I found a note:

McHenry…..

I hope you feel ok today. I set you upright and hooked you up with a puke proof area. I stayed til I felt you were O K alone. You were awesome!!! I only hope it was the vodka that stopped you from me getting you off and not because you didn’t like it.

Don’t even trip. I know you won’t. Holla anytime you want another round- little less vodka. Hope you are good. If you don’t want another go, just text and tell me “Thanks but no thanks” K? By the way again, Damn I enjoyed it.- Sabrina.

I text her and asked if we had sex. She said yes and assured me of her seriousness. I asked if I wore a condom. She assured me that I did. This marked the first occasion that I unknowingly had sex. In the reverse, this is know as rape or “Date rape”

But I felt no shame as I laid there hungover. Things had gone according to plan……according to lonely chick.

I was alone again in my apartment for the remainder of the day.

I am a lonely dude.

Finding Religion

Although I am an Atheist, I yearn to believe in an after life. I pray to be incorrect and that death isn’t an endless cycle of dreamless sleep. Sleep is only fun when I have dreams, Not the kind of dream when I boned “Carla” from the T.v. show “Cheers” or the dream when Hulk Hogan gave me a blow job ,but dreams where I overlook myself, as I accomplish important s h i t….

Like butt sex.

Because it’s important to try new things in life. And if there really is a Jesus hovering above me in the sky, perched on a cloud with his pants around his ankles , overlooking me as I pound vag like an old man shaking his fist at the neighborhood children…..

I hope he uses that cloud to absorb the contents of his testicles so that it may rain down upon me and become embedded in my skin. I will then become so god-like that I can achieve my dream of complete world domination.

And maybe if that did indeed happen, and I had a lil Jesus in me, I could make a blind man see or feed the starving children in Africa…

But I wouldn’t. I would still pound vag. All day long. Right in front of blind men because it isn’t like they could enjoy it. Unless the sound of fornication filled them with lust and their penises with blood. Enough blood to expand their dongs larger than Jessica Simpson’s a s s h o l e that one time she got fat.

But I would dodge their semen like Keanu Reeves in “The Matrix”

Because the powers of the handicapped do not appeal to me. You know what does?

Butt sex.

During a pick up attempt , I number closed an employee of Blockbuster Video. She had an average face but an a s s so plump and juicy that I wanted to dive head first and ears deep into it. We began to text that day. She claimed to be a former “Party Girl” turned religious nut job.

Nut job could mean two things. Either a crazy Jesus freak or the act of fondling one’s testicles. I’d rather it had been the second choice. The quote that appeared after every text message I received from her stated “Living For Him”

Apparently “Living for Him” meant no Vag for me. And that contradicts my belief that Jesus is a fan of mine and acts as my personal cheerleader. Because if he exits and didn’t approve of my sexual antics he could simply strike me down in traffic. He does that a lot.

Soul in Heaven: Jesus, Why did you have to strike me down in traffic?

Jesus: It was simply you’re time my son.

Soul in heaven: Really? You couldn’t wait until I got home and take me in my sleep? You had to go the extra mile and send a two thousand pound vehicle to smash me head on and make me spend my last precious moments on earth s h i t t i n g my pants?

Jesus: I work in mysterious ways a s s h o l e. Now here’s a bible. I autographed it for you.

Through text message I was offered and accepted an invitation to attend church with “Blockbuster Chick” It was a small price to pay for sweet poonanny. The day I sat through the movie version of “The dukes of Hazard” , I proved I could sit through anything.

The church she attending was down the street from my apartment. I made the two mile journey there at exactly 7:55 PM.

MC: [cell phone call] I keep missing the entrance. Where is it?

CHICK: It’s right next to a big white building

MC: Jesus Christ I can’t believe I keep missing it. Sorry I didn’t mean to use the lord’s name in vain.

I greeted her with a hug at the entrance of the church. She had the hyper personality of an 8 year old with A.D.D

CHICK: How’s it going? Hold on ! There’s my friend Josh!

She runs over to her friend “Josh” and greets him with a shoulder massage. She then comes back and we finally enter and walk into the lobby.

CHICK: Let me introduce you to my friends! This is Nicole and Michelle!

MC: Hello. Should we hug?

Other Chicks: Ok

I hugged them and slid my hands the the sides of their bodies.

Chick: Hold on! There is my friend Greg!

She runs over to Greg who is seating in a chair and runs her hands down his chest and stomach.
I didn’t mind at the time. Her friends were much more attractive.

MC: So you come here often? [I say to the hottest of the two chicks]

Hottest Chick: Not really I haven’t been here in over a month.

MC: Oh my god really! Sorry I didn’t mean to use the Lords name is vain.

Hottest Chick: I’m going in now.

She left me standing their with the lesser of the attractive chicks right as Blockbuster chick returned to tell me that she forgot her bible and had to return to her car to get it. I walked alone through a courtyard to enter the main room of the church. I took a seat near the front. Blockbuster girl returned from her car, bible in hand and sat next to her friend “Doug” she introduced us even though we were now 2 rows apart.

Pastor Roy: Ladies and Gentleman , Thank you for coming. We are now going to divide you into 3 groups. Junior High children , Take the seats to the left. We want college kids in the middle and adults on the left.

Oh yeah, I lied and told Blockbuster Girl that I was 23. She was 20.

Pastor Roy: I would now like the college group to come up front and take part in a game!

Blockbuster girl took “Doug” by the hand and dragged him up onto the stage. She looked at me as if to say “What are you waiting for? join us”

Instead , I joined my Toyota Corolla in the parking lot. It was 8: 16 and if I left now, I could catch the tail end of “The Ultimate Fighter” on Spike T.V.

I sent Blockbuster girl a text which read:

Next time you are with a hot a s s dude, show his the respect that he deserves and don’t act like a whore.

I then wish her aids.

The next day I received a call from a private number.

Some Dude: Who is this?

MC: Who is THIS?

Some dude: Who are you?

MC: Ummm, you called me dude.

Some dude: Is this PA?

MC: Yes

Some Dude: Did you call my friend a whore?

MC: What friend? Oh do you mean the church girl? Yeah I called her a whore[ said with little enthusiasm]

Some dude: I am gonna kick you’re a s s

MC: Oh really? Want the address? [said with little enthusiasm]

Some Dude: Yeah what is it?

MC: [I give him my address]

Some dude: I’ll be there in 2 months when I am off of parole and pump some bullets into you boy.

MC: Why can’t you come over now? Or , why didn’t you just call me two months from now? Should I mark this on my calender? [Said with little enthusiasm]

And then he hung up.

Maybe it was immature to call Blockbuster Chick a whore. Maybe I should date women my own age. But at 29 years old, all my female counterparts seem to be divorced with three children. They are like high millage automobiles. One day when I find the right woman, I’ll retire my testicles and hang them up for good. Or perhaps put them on display in a museum if I indeed turn these tails into a book and it becomes a best seller.

But for now, I’ll continue penetrating vagina’s as I look towards the sky

http://www.youtube.com/profile?user=TrainMusic#p/u/5/e7sh4YWVuugand wink.

A FRIEND IN NEED IS A FRIEND INDEED. BUT A FRIEND WITH WEED IS BETTER

It’s been a year and I’m still unemployed. Life is boring. I took to visiting sites like ihatemymiserablelife.com to find camaraderie with others like myself. Instead I found obese , social retards whose dreams of growing beards and moving to a cabin in the mountains to live off the land had been foiled by society and The Man, and minorities.

In my area , minorities are getting the majority of jobs. The Man likes it that way. It makes him seem less racist. Society accepts this behavior, they have to, they don’t want to appear to be racist. For the same reason I’ve taken to boning Mexicans.

I fill all my voids with women. Pick ups excite me. The chase excites me. The actual sex I can take or leave. I needed a vacation from women but still feel the rush of excitement that only comes from doing something new or having a new girl put her hand down my underpants. Apparently I had met a woman on a telephone chat line. I know this because she text me and told me so.

I called her later that night.

MC.: What are you’re plans for the evening?

CHICK: My daughter and I are going midnight bowling.

MC: May I join you?

CHICK: Sure, come to my place first and hang out so you can be sure you like me enough to wanna come.

I should have ended the call at this point but…

CHICK: Afterwards we are gonna smoke a J.

A j is a joint. A joint is weed. I once refused to eat weed brownie because I didn’t wanna fail a drug test. But now I was unemployed. The Lord , perched up there on a cloud and overlooking my life presented me with an opportunity to break society’s laws.

MC: What color is the rolling paper?

CHICK: Umm, White why?

MC: Do they come in black ? I don’t wanna appear to be racist.

She gave me directions to her house. I google mapped that s hit and navigated THE BEAST!!! , [My Toyota Corolla] , to her home.

I got lost due to lack of street lights and called her to guide me the rest of the way there. I followed her directions.

CHICK: IS THAT YOU COMING UP?

MC: UMM YES

CHICK:OK MAKE THE NEXT RIGHT INTO THE DRIVEWAY.

MC: OK

As I did so , In my peripheral vision, I caught a glance of a large woman in a red tee shirt. I prayed to The Lord that The Bloods had became more leniant on who they allow into their gang.

I climbed out of my car and bore witness to an ungodly site. Although she claimed to be 40. She easily could have passed for early fifties. But this night wasn’t about sex. It was about giving up my weed virginity. But first were the intros.

CHICK: This is my daughter Patty.

PA: Nice to meet you. I notice that you are wearing all black. Are you a vampire or an emo or something?

PATTY: HA HA no. I used to be gothic but not so much anymore.

MC: Do you want to kill yourself or do you have suicidal urges? No?Just checking.

I was offered and drank 3 apple beers. I was buzzed.

EXTREME FAST FORWARD

We drove to the bowling alley and sat at a table on the lanes. We were waiting for the daughters friend to arrive who would be joining us. The lights went out. A black light came on and suddenly I was aware of how much lint was on my sweater.

The friend arrived. She was beautiful. She was also 16 years old. I suddenly became aware of how wrong a thought that was to have. Plus she was Hispanic so I felt a little racist.

We played 2 games. I came in second both times. I gutter balled 4 times.

EXTREME FAST FORWARD

We left the bowling alley and arrived back at the chicks home. Time for a promise to be fulfilled. I would smoke weed for the first time in my life. The timing couldn’t be more perfect.

They filled a pipe with weed and we took turns taking hits. Immediately the two girls became giggly.

MC: This can’t be how being high feels! I feel nothing. I’m slightly not right in the head but still this is blasphemy.

CHICK: Give it time. Take a few more hits.

I did and still nothing.

MC: This can’t be high. I refuse to believe this.

CHICK: What do you want it to feel like.

MC: Like those two. They are idiots. Look at them. I wanna feel that idiotic.

I took some more hits. I tried to talk about something intelligent and became overwhelmed with laughter. I was high, finally. The chick made some Mexican food. It felt a little racist but I ate it.

Food tastes better when you are high. All the flavors can be distinguished and enjoyed separately. It was amazing.

MC: I can taste all the distinct flavors! This is amazing!

See, I told you. Weed also makes me tired. I fell asleep. For 5 hours. I woke up , checked my pockets for my cell phone, wallet and keys. Check, check, and check. The chick, throughout the night became very sad that I made no attempt to fondle her goody bags. But I didn’t care. She’ll find another man to plow her from the chat line.

Momentary highs followed by extreme lows. Getting high feels that way. Being single feels that way. Maybe I need something more consistent. Like a job. Although I don’t want to take away employment from a minority. That would be racist.

So I’ll milk my unemployment while I pick up chicks and hopefully find out where I’m going with my life in the process.

missed connections

Did you read the title? No? Go back and do it then TARD! I’ll wait…..

“Missed Connections”,

That isn’t just a clever name for my next encounter. Actually, I was browsing THAT section of www.craigslist.com when I devised a brilliant scheme. But before I continue , allow me to explain what that particular section is all about.

People make posts in that section of the site in order to reconnect with old friends or perhaps they were hard at work ,taking orders at the McDonald’s drive thru window, Like most the tards reading this story, when they spotted a hot chick and didn’t have the balls to spit game.

Don’t get overly excited you tards. I mean “Game” as in the art of seduction. Not “The World of War craft”

Then as they made the drive of shame , cursing themselves for another missed opportunity, they would go home with the idea of throwing one final Hail Mary pass. Reaching out to their beloved, via the internet and write something along the lines of:

“Hey There i saw you in the McDonald’s drive thru around 11 or 12 pm…you were in a white truck, you had a pink color shirt one i think lol…you have a cute smile and we mad eye contact…if you can tell me what color car a was driving then i know it is you….I was driving and i was leaving around the time you were in the drive thru… ”

That was an actual post I copied from the site. The dude didn’t take any orders as he was a costumer. But he certainly thought he was in the position to give them didn’t he. See how he was convinced that an impression was made! They made eye contact! It must have been meant to be!

However, there was a study that I wont bother linking you to that stated woman will make eye contact with ugly dudes for the exact same amount of time as they will with guys they are attracted to. My point? I don’t have one.

Oh wait, I do :

People on the internet are retarded.

And that’s how I knew my plan would unfold without incident. I formulated a plan to reply to someone as the missed connection they were seeking. Obviously , if they seen a picture they would know the truth. But I had some trick up my sleeve…

And if they were not up my sleeve , they were shoved deep in my a s s h o l e. But only if I happened to be crossing the Mexican Border.

I would pose as the person they were looking for, clame to be engaged, and pass them onto my equally hot buddy.

His name?

Cruiser. McHenry Cruiser.

I found an ad from a woman looking for some hot dude she saw in line at Subway. I’ll give you the following details in cliffnotes:

I wrote her [as the hot dude]an email claiming to be the hot dude and thanked her

but had to inform her that I was engaged to a super model and would not cheat.

I told her of my equally hot and single buddy [me]

Emailing her as the hot dude, I gave her my Buddy’s email address [mine]

She wrote me and from there we emailed back and forth getting to know each other.

Then we agreed to meet at a bar on a Saturday night. She would be accompanied there by a friend. A female friend.

With visions of a 3some dancing in my head, I navigated the BEAST [My Toyota Corolla] 45 miles to a dive bar in Stockton, CA. I entered the establishment and quickly scanned the interior searching for the chick and her friend. They were sitting at the corner of the bar, which seemed appropriate because one of them looked the Norm from the TV show ” Cheers”

Just kidding.

She looked like Norm with a wig. And she was the chick I was conversing with via email. Son, I was Dissapoint. But her friend was semi cute. She was 40 years old with blond hair and glasses.
She[ the blond] went to go select some songs from the juke box in the bar. So I sat there and shared a verbal exchange with Normette, thats what I’ll call her throughout the remainder of the story.

Once the music was selected , the 3 of us decided to shoot some pool. Normette played first against some Mexican dude as the blond and I sat on the sidelines and cheered her on.

No, we sat on stools actually. I wasn’t going to correct myself here because I thought the readers would know that I’m attempting to be witty. But I know some of you are tards , so I’ll be as literal as possible.

The blond stood up to watch the game. I got up and stood behind her, putting my hands on her hips and occasionally grinding my wang into her ass. She put forth no resistance. And we remained in this position until the end of the game.

The friend lost the game and rejoined us near the stools.

Blond: Want a drink?

Mchenry: Are you paying for it?

Blond: Sure I have money …and a job.

Mchenry: The purchase whatever will get me drunk the fastest.

She left to get me a long island Ice tea. Normette, who bore witness to the grinding of my wang , said nothing about the incident. Blond chick came back with my drink and I chugged it down in heroic fashion. I was buzzed and up next to shoot pool against the Mexican dude.

And I did so while publicly displaying an erection. Which was noticed by several female bar flies who appreciated the sight. They pointed it out to each other while they gazed into my tsunami blue eyes with looks of astonishment.

In an attempt to impress the bar flies , I sat aside the pool stick and executed a shot with my wang. I scratched.

The cue ball, not my Nut sack.

I ended up losing. Blond chick bought me a few more drinks. I was near unconcious and fondling her boobies. I placed my hand on her chin, tilted it upward and allowed my tongue to invade her lips. She kissed back. I kissed her neck and chest. I attempted to suckle on her boobie through the clothing but she resisted. I slid my hand under her ass and massaged her clitoris.

Blond: You are a naughty boy.

mchenry: I know.

Normette: You two need to get a room.

Blond chick excused herself to take a call outside. Normette sat at the stool near me and made out with me for a period not exceeding 10 seconds. I fondled her ass. Then she needed to use the restroom. I assume it was to ring out her panties due to the Tsunami I summoned from her vagina.

Blond chick came back and sat at the bar where I first met them. She was joined by Normette and I. I made out with the blond while at the same time sliding my hand down the back of Normette’s panties. She allowed it at first then told me to stop. She didn’t want to share. I tried again and the decision was reconfirmed.

I stood the blond chick up , pushed her against a wall and made out with her while thrusting my wang into her pelvis. A group of elderly women fanned themselves as they looked on in awe. An elderly dude in his 60’s tapped me on the shoulder.

old dude: It’s nice to finally see a WHITE Fabio in the bar! Normally the Fabio’s in this place are black.

It was an odd statement to make because I was under the impression that Fabio WAS white. Maybe the accent through him off?

Mchenry: Thank you.

The clock on the wall near where my wang enjoyed several minutes of dry humping, read 1:55 am. The bar was closing. The 3 of us walked outside. My hopes of a 3some were not to be. Normette didn’t share lovers. She didn’t share donuts either, at least, thats what I assumed.

The blond gave me her number and I put it in my cell phone. But I knew she wasn’t hot enough to inspire a second 45 mile journey. I left that night with visions of a 3some, I returned home solo…….AGAIN. As I write this I am currently drinking a “Pepsi One” The time on my computer says 1:40 pm. Which isn’t exactly one but if I were to round it down than it would be……if their were 100 minutes in an hour.

And you know what the first number is one hundred is?

I didn’t think so tard.

The personification of cool

One arm at a time, I slid into the sleeves of my black leather jacket. I felt rebellious , like James Dean in “A Rebel Without A Cause”. The difference however , wasn’t hard to distinguish. McHenry Cruiser always has a cause.

A CAUSE and an Effect. Each time my eyeballs identify the image of a hot babe, the blood in my body redirects itself to my WANG, fills it up like a gas tank, then LOOK OUT, it becomes a lethal weapon illegal in 51 states. That extra state, is the state of confusion. That is the look women give when first glancing at the beast that dwells in my underpants.

If I could, I would knit a miniature black leather jacket for my wang. I’d consider making it a trench coat so my balls didn’t feel left out.

Black leather jackets are cool, Thats never been disputed by anybody. The Fonz knew it. He never left the house without it snuggled firmly against his muscular physique. And HIS prime was in the fifties. Black leather jackets are timeless.

Like Baseball.

As strike in Baseball is bad. In Bowling , it’s good. Thats confusing sh it. You know what isn’t? A hole in one. Thats universal. And I planned on scoring a hole in one by boning a chick I was set to meet courtesy of the plenty off fish dating website.

I sat behind the helm of the ship… ok, thats a metaphor. I was driving my Toyota Corolla. But I like to feel important. And then I made the 45 mile journey to the home of a 28 year old police department dispatcher. She was 5″1. I don’t like short women. They make me feel too manly. Like The Fonz. The line between myself and The Fonz stops at the jacket.

You know what doesn’t stop? My Wang. Nobody can derail the Wang Train.

I greeted the chick with a hug then followed her inside where I took a seat on her couch and cursed myself for making the trip. But that verbal exchange took place inside my own head.

She had 3 kids. I know this fact because they were displayed on her wall in a frame. They were facially challenged, Just like their mother. But my wang doesn’t discriminate. It doesn’t enter a vagina based on color ,race or creed. My wang is a rebel , Like James Dean. If James Dean had testicles.

But he doesn’t. Because I watched a biography on A&E about him. In it, they claimed that he sat at a bar across the street from the wedding of an ex girlfriend of his and cried like a b i t c h.

The dispatcher chick and I decided to go get some grub at Taco Bell. She paid, I didn’t dispute her offer of free burritos. Such an offer wouldn’t be disputed by anybody.

Except James Dean because hes a bitch.

The fast food was purchased and returned with us back to her place. We sat at the dining room table where she showed cell phone pictures of her f u c k buddy. He was ripped and handsome in a manly sort of way. Like The Fonz If The Doc was willing to loan me the DeLorian so that I could travel back to fifty years ago when he was good looking and relevant.

The dude was a married cop and she convinced herself that they were “Best Friends” Which only proves my theory that all women regardless of race, color and creed are retarded. And of course theres always the epic response of :

“Just because YOU are a pervert doesn’t mean that ALL guys are perverts”

But they are wrong. All of us ARE perverts. We just come in different packages. Like Coke and Pepsi. They look different on the outside but they both have the exact same ingredients.

Dispatcher: No, its not like that. We are BEST FRIENDS!

Mchenry: Its BEST FRIENDS to you. To him, its 5 minutes in the patrol car at lunch time. Get a clue. She didn’t take my advice.

Dispatcher: What is that accent you have?

Mchenry: You think I sound gay don’t you?

Dispatcher: A little bit.

Mchenry: Yeah, 60 % of women I meet think I’m gay. I just like to lower their guard with my homo personality then WHAMMY , they get knocked up.

Dispatcher: Its probably more than 60%. The others are just being nice.

Mchenry: Really? Is it just the voice? Or do I look homo as well? or perhaps, do I use gay posture?

Dispatcher: Its just the voice. You actually look like you just got out of the military.

Mchenry: I get that a lot. When I first meet someone they think that. Then I speak. And they are like ” Oh you WERE in the military but then got kicked out for hitting on the drill sargent am I right? It was don’t ask , don’t tell….and you told? But no , I’m not into dudes. Except your cop friend. I’d bend over for him.

Dispatcher: You are funny.

Mchenry: I know. I should be making money off this entertainment. It depresses me that I’m giving it away to you for free. Dispatcher: Wanna watch a movie?

Mchenry: Yes

We settled on the movie “Role Models” I didn’t care that I had already watched it days before. I didn’t plan on paying attention to it. Neither did my Wang. We laid down on the couch and cuddled as the flick began. I began to fondle her legs. But each time I attempted to place a hand on her vagina, she slapped it away.

Dispatcher: No I’m trying to be good.

Mchenry: Be bad, be a rebel.

I took her hand on placed it on my Wang. She stroked it briefly. I unbuckled my belt ,unzipped my pants then unleashed the fury of my wang. She stroked it, briefly.

Dispatcher: I’m not gonna play with your d i c k.

I placed my hand on her chin and allowed my tongue to invade her mouth. She put fourth no resistance. But soon I grew bored. This encounter was not going to move past the beginning stages. Which would have been fine had I been attracted to her. But I wasn’t.

If only she had worn a black leather jacket……… She excused herself to use the restroom. While she was away , I prepared for my grand exit from the home. I Made sure I had my cell phone, wallet, and car keys. It would be the last time I set foot in this home and I didn’t want to leave evidence of my stay.

Unless it was DNA evidence in the form of my Splooge. She walked back into the living room.

Mchenry: How do I get back to the freeway?

Dispatcher: Well I’ll show you, follow me.

She drove with me following behind until the freeway was in site. I didn’t wave as we parted ways. I text.

” You’ll always get hot dudes to f u c k you but they’ll never date you because you are not good enough. Sorry pig. Have a nice day.”

I felt a nice temporary high as I drove home. Heavy gals should not have high self esteem. Because its all built on a lie. And in that instance I fel like the Simon Cowell of relationship advice. Which is cool because he wears black.

MchenryCruiser Hunts A Cougar

While browsing my usual online dating website, I came across the profile of a 46 year old woman looking for a ” Fun Guy”. I emailed her the following:

Mchenry: Hey , I’m a fun guy! Wanna have fun with me?

Cougar: Hey there hows it going? Like your profile,,,,

I then sent her an instant message.

Mchenry: Would you like to meet?

Cougar: For?

Mchenry: Coffee!

We made a plan to meet on Sunday, which is today. And since Today IS Sunday and I met her on Saturday night, You can assume 1 of 2 things:

1. I used my comedic charm to woo her into an earlier meeting then was planned.

or

2. Chloroform is a hell of a drug.

After our Instant Message chat , I received this email:

Cougar: Sorry I couldn’t make it tonight,,,bummer…but looking forward to meeting you, you definitely intrigued me. Your the first person I wanted to meet!

For those following along at home, this is what my profile says. It’s short, sweet, and may cause the shedding of several tears:

Do you believe in magic?

I stand 5 feet 10 inches tall. I have amazing blue eyes. If you dared to gaze into them it would be like being struck by a tsunami. You would need a wet suit ,flippers and an oxygen tank to survive. And an inflatable life raft and an ore to row to safety. I have a shaved head that women like to rub as if they are awaiting a magical genie, who will appear and grant them 3 wishes. I am very attractive, so I hear. I am looking for someone who will be my friend and possibly more if we connect on that level.

She had to attend her ex sister in law’s birthday party and told me to text her around 9 pm.

I text her at 8 PM, The following:

Mchenry: You got booze at home?

Cougar: Always

Mchenry: Want to drink with me?

Cougar: I have to meet you first.

Mchenry: Meet me at Starbucks at 9.

She agreed and the meeting was set to take place. I took my seat behind the wheel of my car , Sounded the mighty roar of the engine and navigated my Toyota Corolla several miles North East of my home.

The journey ended as I made a sharp left into the Starbucks parking lot. She was waiting outside near the doorway. It was closed. She had no choice but to invite me to her home.

MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.

Not quite.

Cougar: Wanna go get a beer?

Mchenry: Sure

She drove us to a bar on the next block over. We went inside. She ordered us one Corona beer each,

Cougar: Your confident aren’t you?

Mchenry: Yes, Yes I am.

Cougar: Your not arrogant though. It’s odd. It’s like a quiet confidence.

Mchenry: Yes, Yes it is.

I had no idea what she was talking about. I had no idea what I was talking about either. I was buzzed. I’m a lightweight.

After we emptied the beers into our bellies. I suggested we head back to her place to drink more booze.

Mchenry: Let’s go back to your place and drink more booze!

SEE, I DID suggest it, just like I said.

She paid the tab, although I did half ass offer to pay my share.

Mchenry: Should we split the bill?

Cougar: No, I’ve got it.

Mchenry to Cashier: She’s quite the gentleman isn’t she. She even opened the door on the way in.

cougar: Now you have to open the door for ME!

Mchenry: Sure

And In heroic fashion , I took hold of the door handle, squeezed it in my masculine grip, and heaved it forward with the strength of a thousand men. My bicep muscles strained as I held it open for M’ LADY to make her grand exit from the establishment. Women were in tears. Men took of their hats in a show of respect for Mr. Cruiser.

Not really. But it did sound more impressive that way didn’t it?

She drove me back to my car. I sat behind the wheel of the beast, Sounded the ROAR of the Mighty engine…….

F u c k , I’m tired. I followed her home you tards.

Once we got inside , She brought out a bottle of red wine. I poured two glasses. We sat on the couch and drank. Once I felt the buzz putting my liver in a strangle hood , I stradled the cougar and jousted her with thou Tongue. We kissed. Clothing was removed.

I requested a change of venue. We moved down to the floor.

Mchenry: I’ve got a condom.

I strapped it on and proceeded to stab her several times over with the mighty wrath of my WANG. I attempted to change positions and throw her legs over my shoulders. But my wang slipped out of position.

I didn’t showboat after that. It was going to have to be a team effort if the game was to be won.

Cougar: Wanna go to the bedroom?

Mchenry: Sure

I wish I hadn’t eaten several dough nuts the night before. As I made the walk to her bedroom, My ass jiggled like Rosie O’ Donnell having a seizure.

She gave me mouth pleasure.

But it felt as though I was inserting my WANG into a pencil sharpener.

I called an audible and maneuvered myself into a full mounted position [on top of her]

My bicep muscle strained as I pulled at my wang like I was starting a lawnmower.
I lowered my weapon for aim.

Cougar: What are you doing?

Mchenry: Forgive me Jesus.

Halfway through the splatter of goo, She covered herself with her arms to shield my man batter from penetrating her pores.

Now say that 10 times fast.

Cougar: You blew it?

Mchenry: How so?

Cougar: I would have swallowed. I think it’s erotic.

She excused herself to take a shower. I didn’t attempt to leave as normal protocol
suggests. I would. She had a comfortable bed. Once finished , she returned to my side.

Mchenry: DO you believe in aliens?

Cougar: No

Mchenry: REALLY? Billion of planets are out there in space and you don’t think that a mere ONE OF THEM is occupied by some sort of living creature?

Cougar: Oh I do. I just don’t believe in little green men. Why are you talking about this?

Mchenry: I don’t know. But I hope one day it will all MEAN something.

And then we agreed to call it a night. She left me with a parting gift though. A bottled water. And I drank that very water as I traveled back to my home via Toyota Corolla.

The next day I text her:

Mchenry: We should have a threesome.

No response.

The night before, as she was giving me mouth pleasure, she had told me how hot it would be to see another women bobbing on my apples.

She didn’t use THOSE words to describe it of course.

I text her again:

Mchenry: Or not? Lol

No response was given.

I checked online and noticed that her plenty of fish profile had been deleted.
I knew then that I could assume One of two things:

1. She was dead

OR

2. The ” Dangling Diner” [My Penis] Had lost yet another customer.

Even though I won’t miss her, I can’t help but feel I’ve done something horribly wrong.

Like Butt Sex

Only Not.

Buffy : The grocery buying slut

I drove to the store to purchase beef and bananas. I walked to the check out line. In front of me stood a hot chick who looked like Sarah Michelle Gellar from “Buffy The Vampire Slayer”

Mchenry: You look just like Buffy The Vampire Slayer.

She looked at me blank faced.

Mchenry: Do you know who that is?

Chick: I think so. Is that Sarah Michelle Gellar?

Mchenry: Yeah. You even have her nose. That’s so bizarre.

Chick: Well thank you. I think.

Mchenry: SO you live here?

Chick: We are from Baton Rouge actually.

WE are from here. I sentence that suggests she is taken. I curse you Jesus. I loked at the ring and though quietly to myself:

” The power of WANG repels you”

Mchenry: Why did you come HERE?

Chick: We have family down here.

Mchenry: Oh , I was gonna say , WHY IN THE WORLD WOULD YOU CHOOSE TO BE IN A PLACE LIKE THIS! BLASPHEMY!

The cashier chuckled. AT least I was winning SOMEBODY over with my comedic charm. Even if she WAS old and facially challenged.

Mchenry to cashier: You know what I mean right. You LIVE here.

Mchenry to chick: SO you don’t have the accent?

Chick: No, only people whop live outside the city have it.

Mchenry: Good! you escaped it!

Chick: Yeah I talk normal.

And with that phrase, Our conversation ended. I paid for my beef and bananas and left a defeated man forced to use bananas as a food source instead of a weapon of Ass destruction.

As I drove through the parking lot and back onto the main street, I saw the chick walking to Subway. Our eyes met.

Then she covered her face with her purse and stared at the ground hoping I wouldn’t recognize her.

I chuckled to myself, turned up the radio, and drove home.

Talking To God

The unemployment continues, as does my on going cabin fever. So I did what was suggested to me by various homeless men and truck drivers I’ve met over the years ,throughout my stint as a security guard.

I prayed,

To THE LORD

Which if you think about it, If you crossed paths with Jesus. But didn’t know HE was in fact , Jesus, You wouldn’t ask:

You: Lord, What is the meaning of life?

You’d say: Nah dude, I ain’t got no change for you today. You HOMELESS FUCK.

I conducted a silent prayer as I navigated my Toyota Corolla passed a Meth addicted hooker who asked if I wanted a date.

Well, she didn’t so much “Ask” me, but rather , screamed the offer from a one block distance while pointing to her crotch and suggestively thrusting it in my direction.

Jesus, I have absolutely no idea where my life is headed. Well, physically I hope far away from THAT hooker. Mentally though, I lack focus. I need direction.If you exist and can help me. Then please show me a sign.

I passed a gas station and observed the words:

LOTTO PLAY HERE

Thank you Lord

I made a U Turn and parked in the handicap lane. I walked inside carrying my last 137 dollars and exchanged it for 27 lottery tickets. I was positive that THIS was the sign shown to me by my new savior.

Later , after checking online, I learned that my new life plan had been foiled once again. I hadn’t hit any numbers.

I’m sure Jesus enjoyed a nice big belly laugh at my expense. I imagined him perched on a cloud alongside an angel discussing my fate.

GOD: Hey check out this LOSER praying to me. Look at this TARD.

ANGEL: Hey dude, Show him a SIGN! I bet he’ll pull over.

GOD: OK hold on, Oh Fuck he’s pulling over ha ha I love doing this shit.

Hence the reason I’m an atheist. No expectations. As an atheist , your on your own baby. But you can also do whatever you wanna do without suffering the consequences.

Like Butt sex.

So I sat at home in my bedroom. Comforted only by my 8 pound, near death, York Terrier and a can of Diet Vanilla Pepsi. The Not So Vanilla, Vanilla soda.

I drifted off into a dreamless sleep, much like I imagine the afterlife will be like, when I was awakened by the vibration of a text message.

Sherry: Mchenry, Can my cousin text you?

Mchenry: Sure

Sherry: OK I’ll tell her. Your gonna be nice right?

Mchenry: Of course!

Sherry is the girlfriend of an ex coworker of mine. She is aware of this blog and my sexual escapades. When I read her request , I was reminded of a story I once heard:

An elderly woman once discovered a frozen snake in the snow.She took the snake home. She provided it warmth and food. Over time the old woman had nursed the snake back to health.

One day ,while she was holding the snake, it bit her.

As she lay there dying from the venomous poison entering her blood stream. She asked the snake:

Old lady:Why after finding you, feeding you and nursing you back to health , would you do this to me?

SNAKE: What did you expect bitch? I’m a snake!

Back and forth we text each other. The cousin and I. And in my boredom, I decided to make the 30 minute drive to see her and make out. She assured me that it wouldn’t go any further then that.

Cousin: I just wanna make sure you know that because I don’t want you to be angry.

As A seasoned veteran in the fine art of nailing sweet Poonanny. I knew that what women SAY and what women DO, are two very different things entirely.

I parked on the corner of her street and waited for her to walk to my passenger side door. She was 5″4 and 84 lbs. For the first time I knew what it must have felt like to be a United States soldier, saving a Jew from a Hitler concentration camp.

Mchenry: So how’s life?

Cousin: It’s good.

Mchenry: Is it?

Cousin: Yes

Mchenry: Yes indeed.

I drove down the road until the houses disapeared. I parked alongside an Orchard and shut off the car engine. I pulled her close to my body and engaged her mouth in a joust of Tongue Fu. [Kissing]

I slid my hand up her shirt and unhooked her bra. THe bra was just a formality really.

I had bigger breasts then her. And so do you.

I suckled on her nipples. Unlike other nipples I have suckled on, this one provided me nourishment in the form of breast milk.

I attempted to slide my hand down her panties but was met with great resistance. She brushed my hand away. I unbuckled my belt and unleashed the fury of my Wang [penis]

I placed her hand on it. She gave me hand pleasure. I grabbed a handful of her hair and guided her downward. She gave me mouth pleasure. I extended the seat downward and laid flat on my back.

Twenty seconds later : I don’t wanna do that anymore.

Perhaps I wasn’t Zest fully clean.I placed her hand back on my wang and the hand pleasure continued until she tired out. She switched hands. I grabbed a box of Kleenex I had stashed behind the passenger seat.

BOOM PROTEIN EVERYWHERE

I blasted the contents of my testicles into the kleenex then disposed of it by throwing it out the window.

Mchenry: Well , It’s past my bedtime. We’d better leave before we get murdered out her by Jason Voorhees. [Friday the 13 killer]

Cousin: OK

I drove her back to the corner of the block where I had first picked her up.

As I continued homeward bound. I thought more about God.

When a person of religious faith is stricken with Cancer. Christians say

God has a plan for everyone.

But if that same person was murdered by Jason Voorhees and sliced into bite sized pieces , They’d say :

The Lord works in mysterious ways.

However, If I was face to face with these Christians and said

Hello kind stranger, My name is Jason Voorhees and I’ve come here today, to murder you and then slice you into bite size pieces. But I may reconsider if Jesus shows me a sign.

They’d reply: GOD has given man FREE WILL to do as he pleases.

From all of that , I have drawn one conclusion:

GOD REALLY LIKES TO COVER HIS ASS.

Mchenrycruiser: The M.I.L.F. Hunter

I began an exchange of emails with a 38 year old M.i.l.f. on

http://www.plentyoffish.com

I’ll copy and paste that shit right here for your viewing enjoyment:

Mchenry: You look about 40. whomever told you that you look younger just wanted in them panties baby doll.

Milf: WELL THEN MUST MEAN GIRLS TO , AND MY CO-WORKERS AND MY FRIENDS. WELL DON’T BELIEVE YOU HAVEN’T SEEN ME IN PERSON SO YOU DON’T KNOW. if you are pissed off at some girls on this site don’t take it out on me. I never did nothing to you and by the way you look grouchy and pissed off in your picture and mad at the world. frankly it doesn’t matter if I look younger. You must have seen something in my pic or you wouldn’t have read my profile.

mchenry:I’m not insulting you. I don’t know why u got that impression. I said you look 40. so what . You ARE almost 40. People just like to be nice. thats why they say you look younger when you don’t.

Milf: I DON’T CARE WHAT AGE i LOOK. I CAN LOOK FIFTY FOR ALL i CARE. I AM NOT OUT TO IMPRESS SOMEONE THEY GET WHAT THEY GET AND THATS IT. THE PART GETTING IN MY PANTS IT AIN’T HAPPENING i POSTED THAT BECAUSE A LOT OF PEOPLE DON’T BELIEVE I AM THAT AGE YOU ARE THE FIRST ONE. AND THEY ARE NOT TRYING TO IMPRESS ME BY SAYING I AM YOUNGER. FRIENDS TELL YOU HOW IT IS. AS FAR AS SOMEONE GETTING IN MY PANTS IT AIN’T HAPPENING.

Mchenry: Friends never tell you the blunt truth because they don’t wanna hurt your feelings. I’M being honest with you. You are not my friend. Therefore I have no need to spare your feelings.

But good for you, for not being easy.

Milf: That’s OK you don’t have to believe it you haven’t seen me in person.the friends I have are very blunt. If I don’t like my friends hair I not going tell her i do. But I removed it just so I don’t offend people any more. But for your info most guys hit on me are younger. and my personality everyone at work got along with.

Mchenry: I believe very much that younger guys take an interest in you. I don’t doubt it for a second. But then again, they’ll shag anything willing. Thats just what the majority of guys do. But I’m not taking anything away from you.

So do you have a hot date tonight?

Milf: What do you mean you are not taking anything from me. I am not a willing person witI am single. because it seems you go one date with someone they automatically think you are going sleep with them. maybe most girls that way I don’t know you tell me.
Yeah a hot date with my daughter

Mchenry: I mean you made it seem like you must be something special to have young guys hit on you. What you should know is that they hit on anyone. They will have sex with anybody who’s willing. Thats why you shouldn’t be flattered by it.

So where are you going with your daughter?

Milf: If I was so flattered by it I would have dated them. I also have older guys tell me . Sex is a dime a dozen you can go to a club and get it that same night to if that is what I wanted. I don’t think you really read my profile did you or you would have saw i was a conservative person looking for that same kind of person. and by the way I have the feeling that has happened to you by a girl instead of a man because I think you hate women or something. I don’t know what girls you have met on here but we are not all the same. or you misjudge people.
Nothing with daughter just taco bell

Mchenry: Conservative? Is that another way of saying icey cold bitch?

Milf: So what you are saying if a girl don’t sleep with a guy the first day they are icy cold. Do you have morals or no I no that doesn’t exist to much anymore. No, you are right I am conceded and I sleep with two or three a night because it is free.

We emailed a bit more other then this but it wasn’t noteworthy dialogue. I did get her number and set up a meeting.

In order to be a successful Milf hunter , one must know their prey well. It’s not a learned behavior. Its a natural instinct. As you can see by reading our email exchange, The Milf yearned for my validation. I planned to give her THAT validation , with a side order of WANG, courtesy of the “Dangling Diner”

Obstacles had to be overcome first though.

Milf: [via text message] I’ll have to take a rain check my daughter is sick.

My first reaction? Furious Anger.

Moments earlier , The dull blades of a Mach 3 razor was drug across my testicle luggage in order to make a good first impression. That impression you ask?Nothing says “I care about what’s on the inside” then a pair of smooth balls.

Why? Well because it doesn’t have to be done. Its going above and beyond normal protocol. How often does an individual catch a glance at your sack on any given day?It can be covered up, disguised, swept under the rug until one day a rogue group of dastardly teenage boys pants you in the hall of your office building exposing your jungle pubes to everyone within eye shot of the event. And they’ll be chicks there,witnesses to the tragedy, and they’ll never forget. They have minds like elephants and bodies like….

elephants, at least the ones who work in a cubicle.

Why would a rogue group of teenage boys be in an office building pantsing the employees there?Because they are the sons of your boss and they do what they please, SON.

Sorry, this story took an odd turn didn’t it.

So I responded : Sorry ,
no second chances.

Milf: OK

And then I remembered a passage I read from

“The Game” [ Pick up artist book by Neil Strauss]

which I wont quote here but it was something about not making a big deal about getting blown off. Act like you don’t care , rinse, and repeat.

[Like shampoo]

And so that’s what I did. I asked for a picture. She sent one. I complimented her.

I had to boost her self esteem enough to the point that she’d be willing to meet me without feeling insecure.

Mchenry: Wow you are hot!

Milf: Yeah right ha ha.

Mchenry: why are you laughing? I’m serious. I’d pound you like a jack hammer.

Milf: But you don’t even know me!

Mchenry: I don’t have to know you personally to be physically attracted to you.

That was a smooth line. Not quite as smooth as my balls though.

So She agreed to allow me to visit and watch a movie as “just friends”. On the way there. I stopped off at a gas station and bought condoms, because what women say they’ll do and what they’ll REALLY do , are to very different things entirely.

I arrived at the Milf’s home and walked in carrying a copy of “Slumdog Millionaire” [ Oscar winning film]

in my coat pocket. Her 12 year old daughter was laying on the sofa doing homework.

aaaaaaaaand cue porn music……..is Mchenry joking??

Milf: Would you like something to drink?

Mchenry: Do you have booze??

Milf: I think so.

Mchenry: Good because I want to see visions. Aside from Televisions. I wanna see visions without the TELE. I don’t wanna see Telephones, unless they are suspended in midair an taunting me from above.

MILF: Your weird

She found a wine cooler in the fridge and a half bottle of hard liquor in the cabinet.I chugged them both as she gave me a tour of the house. Drunkenness began to set in.

MIlf: OK you wanna watch it in here? [living room] or in the bedroom?

Mchenry: The bedroom. I’m so waisted.

Earlier it was supposed to be the living room,no question about it. Suddenly I was given the option. We walked in to the bedroom. I closed the door behind us and locked it.

Mchenry: She’ll be OK in the living room. She’s a good egg.

Milf turned the dvd player on and the movie started. We were on the edge of her bed.

Mchenry: I’m scooting up to the top. Come join me.

She did exactly that. I wrapped my arm around her and massaged her thighs. I placed my hand on her chin and tilted her face upward. I engaged her tongue in a joust of Tongue Fu action. I pushed her flat on the bed , pulled her up into a seated position and took off her shirt and bra.

I sucked on her nipples as I unbuttoned her jeans. I slid them down to her ankles, untied her shoes then took off both her jeans and shoes. Then slid her panties off. As this was taking place ,I was removing My own clothing.

Mchenry: I’ve got a condom

I took the condom out of my pocket and slid it on.

Mchenry: Guide me in.

She did exactly that. I began to pound her like a jackhammer. I cradled her thighs with my arms then threw her legs over my shoulders as I continued thrusting my wang.

Milf: Do you want me to turn around?

Mchenry: OK

She flipped over onto her stomach.

Mchenry: Guide me in!

I placed my hands on her hips as I continued the act that dogs made famous.

10 MINUTES LATER

I tired out, rolled over onto my back and took the condom off. I grabbed a handful of her hair and guided her down to my penor. She sucked my penor. It tickled though and so I pushed her back down on the bed and rolled over on top of her. I began to beat off with great vengeance and furious anger.

Milf:what are you doing!

She moaned as she put up both hands in a defensive maneuver. I pushed them aside and continued to beat off. She didn’t make any attempt this time to prevent what was about to take place. I slid down a wee bit further on her chest and lowered my weapon for aim.

BOOM PROTEIN EVERYWHERE.

My splooge collided with her eyes,nose, and mouth. It was,

EPIC.

Halfway through the gunfire , I began to laugh out loud.

Mchenry: LMAO I’m sorry. That was gross. You can take a shower if you want to.

Milf: Thanks for the permission.

She got in the shower and began to rinse off. I dressed and laid back down on the bed. After she finished , she joined me.

Mchenry: Do you believe in life on other planets??

Milf: There could be.

Mchenry: COULD BE? Do you know that the voyager 1 spacecraft has traveled like 10 billion miles away from the earth! And it hasn’t even left OUR solar system yet!

All that SPACE and your telling me there “MIGHT” be life on other planets. Its a f u c k i n g certainty!

Sorry, this conversation took an odd turn didn’t it??

Milf: lol [laugh out loud] Your weird.

I pushed her shirt up with my hand and sucked on her nipple again. I placed her hand on my wang. She gave me hand pleasure.

BOOM PROTEIN IN A CONFINED SPACE ON MY BELLY!!!

I didn’t have much left over after the first load.

Milf: First I got it on me, now it’s your turn. Did it get on your face?

Mchenry: No, it never does. NO MATTER HOW HARD I TRY.

After I cleaned up, I was disgusted. I got dressed , retrieved my dvd, And drove home.

As I made the ten mile journey to my residence, I contemplated life. I came to the conclusion that there was more to life then inserting my wang into various vagina’s.

Like Butt sex.