Finding Religion

Although I am an Atheist, I yearn to believe in an after life. I pray to be incorrect and that death isn’t an endless cycle of dreamless sleep. Sleep is only fun when I have dreams, Not the kind of dream when I boned “Carla” from the T.v. show “Cheers” or the dream when Hulk Hogan gave me a blow job ,but dreams where I overlook myself, as I accomplish important s h i t….

Like butt sex.

Because it’s important to try new things in life. And if there really is a Jesus hovering above me in the sky, perched on a cloud with his pants around his ankles , overlooking me as I pound vag like an old man shaking his fist at the neighborhood children…..

I hope he uses that cloud to absorb the contents of his testicles so that it may rain down upon me and become embedded in my skin. I will then become so god-like that I can achieve my dream of complete world domination.

And maybe if that did indeed happen, and I had a lil Jesus in me, I could make a blind man see or feed the starving children in Africa…

But I wouldn’t. I would still pound vag. All day long. Right in front of blind men because it isn’t like they could enjoy it. Unless the sound of fornication filled them with lust and their penises with blood. Enough blood to expand their dongs larger than Jessica Simpson’s a s s h o l e that one time she got fat.

But I would dodge their semen like Keanu Reeves in “The Matrix”

Because the powers of the handicapped do not appeal to me. You know what does?

Butt sex.

During a pick up attempt , I number closed an employee of Blockbuster Video. She had an average face but an a s s so plump and juicy that I wanted to dive head first and ears deep into it. We began to text that day. She claimed to be a former “Party Girl” turned religious nut job.

Nut job could mean two things. Either a crazy Jesus freak or the act of fondling one’s testicles. I’d rather it had been the second choice. The quote that appeared after every text message I received from her stated “Living For Him”

Apparently “Living for Him” meant no Vag for me. And that contradicts my belief that Jesus is a fan of mine and acts as my personal cheerleader. Because if he exits and didn’t approve of my sexual antics he could simply strike me down in traffic. He does that a lot.

Soul in Heaven: Jesus, Why did you have to strike me down in traffic?

Jesus: It was simply you’re time my son.

Soul in heaven: Really? You couldn’t wait until I got home and take me in my sleep? You had to go the extra mile and send a two thousand pound vehicle to smash me head on and make me spend my last precious moments on earth s h i t t i n g my pants?

Jesus: I work in mysterious ways a s s h o l e. Now here’s a bible. I autographed it for you.

Through text message I was offered and accepted an invitation to attend church with “Blockbuster Chick” It was a small price to pay for sweet poonanny. The day I sat through the movie version of “The dukes of Hazard” , I proved I could sit through anything.

The church she attending was down the street from my apartment. I made the two mile journey there at exactly 7:55 PM.

MC: [cell phone call] I keep missing the entrance. Where is it?

CHICK: It’s right next to a big white building

MC: Jesus Christ I can’t believe I keep missing it. Sorry I didn’t mean to use the lord’s name in vain.

I greeted her with a hug at the entrance of the church. She had the hyper personality of an 8 year old with A.D.D

CHICK: How’s it going? Hold on ! There’s my friend Josh!

She runs over to her friend “Josh” and greets him with a shoulder massage. She then comes back and we finally enter and walk into the lobby.

CHICK: Let me introduce you to my friends! This is Nicole and Michelle!

MC: Hello. Should we hug?

Other Chicks: Ok

I hugged them and slid my hands the the sides of their bodies.

Chick: Hold on! There is my friend Greg!

She runs over to Greg who is seating in a chair and runs her hands down his chest and stomach.
I didn’t mind at the time. Her friends were much more attractive.

MC: So you come here often? [I say to the hottest of the two chicks]

Hottest Chick: Not really I haven’t been here in over a month.

MC: Oh my god really! Sorry I didn’t mean to use the Lords name is vain.

Hottest Chick: I’m going in now.

She left me standing their with the lesser of the attractive chicks right as Blockbuster chick returned to tell me that she forgot her bible and had to return to her car to get it. I walked alone through a courtyard to enter the main room of the church. I took a seat near the front. Blockbuster girl returned from her car, bible in hand and sat next to her friend “Doug” she introduced us even though we were now 2 rows apart.

Pastor Roy: Ladies and Gentleman , Thank you for coming. We are now going to divide you into 3 groups. Junior High children , Take the seats to the left. We want college kids in the middle and adults on the left.

Oh yeah, I lied and told Blockbuster Girl that I was 23. She was 20.

Pastor Roy: I would now like the college group to come up front and take part in a game!

Blockbuster girl took “Doug” by the hand and dragged him up onto the stage. She looked at me as if to say “What are you waiting for? join us”

Instead , I joined my Toyota Corolla in the parking lot. It was 8: 16 and if I left now, I could catch the tail end of “The Ultimate Fighter” on Spike T.V.

I sent Blockbuster girl a text which read:

Next time you are with a hot a s s dude, show his the respect that he deserves and don’t act like a whore.

I then wish her aids.

The next day I received a call from a private number.

Some Dude: Who is this?

MC: Who is THIS?

Some dude: Who are you?

MC: Ummm, you called me dude.

Some dude: Is this PA?

MC: Yes

Some Dude: Did you call my friend a whore?

MC: What friend? Oh do you mean the church girl? Yeah I called her a whore[ said with little enthusiasm]

Some dude: I am gonna kick you’re a s s

MC: Oh really? Want the address? [said with little enthusiasm]

Some Dude: Yeah what is it?

MC: [I give him my address]

Some dude: I’ll be there in 2 months when I am off of parole and pump some bullets into you boy.

MC: Why can’t you come over now? Or , why didn’t you just call me two months from now? Should I mark this on my calender? [Said with little enthusiasm]

And then he hung up.

Maybe it was immature to call Blockbuster Chick a whore. Maybe I should date women my own age. But at 29 years old, all my female counterparts seem to be divorced with three children. They are like high millage automobiles. One day when I find the right woman, I’ll retire my testicles and hang them up for good. Or perhaps put them on display in a museum if I indeed turn these tails into a book and it becomes a best seller.

But for now, I’ll continue penetrating vagina’s as I look towards the sky

http://www.youtube.com/profile?user=TrainMusic#p/u/5/e7sh4YWVuugand wink.