CHEMISTRY

” I went skydiving. I went rocky mountain climbing. I went 2.7 seconds on a bull named Foo Man Choo.”

You know what I hate about that song other than it’s naming a bull after after a long, thin mustache/beard combo?

Its the following conversation:

guy #1: Before I die I want to climb Mount Everest!

guy#2:You are aware that thousands of people have died attempting that right?

guy#1:Yeah but I wanna feel alive.

guy #2: So in order to “Feel Alive” you have to almost die, but not die?

You cannot “Feel” alive. Being alive isn’t a feeling. Being horny is a feeling. That’s my philosophy. But its not so much about “feeling alive” as it is tempting fate. It’s for that reason that women continue to bang Magic Johnson. For the same reason I want to bang 18 year old girls.

Because I want to almost break the law,but not break the law. I wanna be close to having inappropriate sexual conduct with a minor but get off on a technicality. I not only want to tempt fate, but pry it open with the jaws of life that is my dong.

Ask and you shall receive.

I met an 18 year old girl during a security event and got her number when she asked if I wanted cake. I didn’t want cake. I wanted pie. Poon tang pie. Poon tang pie and hold the pubes. I wanted a nice hairless, flesh colored triangle to teeth on like I was a 1 year old child gumming a plastic G I Joe action figure.

Chick: Do you guys want any cake?

MC:No, but I’ll take you number.

Chick: ummmm ok.

PA: But first, are you 18 or older?

Chick: I am 18. How old are you?

MC: I am 24.

I type her number into my phone.

MC: Good. Now when I text you and say it’s PA. You’ll have mine.

Yeah I lied. I claimed to be 5 years younger than my actual age of 29. There are two simple choices one can make in life and they are as follows:

1. Lie and get what you want.

2. Be honest and do not get what you want.

For example, A politician who is an atheist cannot admit to being so because the majority of Americans are Christian. They would not elect an Atheist. So the politician must lie. Why? Because he wants to win. It’s that simple.

Same thing with scoring sweet poonanny. If I want to feed a woman’s beaver some wood, I can’t admit to being unemployed. Therefore I am always either a cop, Firefighter, Paramedic, Or Marine. These are “Sexy” jobs. Have you ever noticed when a woman introduces her boyfriend it goes as follows:

Chick: This is John, He is a Fire marshall!

It’s always, Name followed by occupation. Woman define men by the job that they do. So do I feel guilty when I lie to them? No. Why? Because I want to win. Victory can only be attained by vaginal penetration. After that, Its doesn’t matter. Ask any professional boxer and they will tell you that winning the title for the second time never feels as good as the first time that they won it.

And for any hot chick you see on the street , There is a guy who is tired of banging her.
a s s holness comes with age gentlemen.

I learned via text message that the 18 year old chick had joined the Navy and was 2 weeks away from shipping out. And for any Woman who has joined the armed forces, there is some dude out there who gave them some “Fair well D i c k ”

MC: Wanna get together before you ship out?

Chick: I want to.

MC: Wanna watch a movie at my place?

Chick: Yeah that sounds good.

I never encountered a female so eager to come to my crappy one bedroom apartment in the ghetto. We agreed that I would pick her up from the parking lot of “Red Lobster” If I were to get Crabs after this encounter, some might find that Ironic. Some might call it Karma. But I do not believe in wise tales or superstitions. I am a man of science. But I never tell women that, because I want to get laid.

There are 2 things that you should never discuss when attempting to get laid.

1. Politics

2. Religion.

Same those 2 discussions for when you want them to break up with you. And if those don’t do the trick. Tell them you hate children.

And if that doesn’t work, Introduce them to Magic Johnson.

MC: Let me introduce you to Magic Johnson!

chick: Does that mean he has a magic d i c k?

MC: Yeah something like that.

Chick: Does it grant wishes? lol

MC: Yeah, If you wish for Aids.

\

Damn I have become an offensive bastard. Please send all hate mail to:

mchenrycruiser@yahoo.com

I picked her up and together we made the 7 mile journey back to my apartment. To get her in the mood, I selected the film “My Best Friend’s girl” starring Dane Cook. When I did stand up comedy, I was described as a hybrid of both Dane Cook and Robin Williams. At the time, I thought thought that meant that I was hilarious.

I’ve since learned that it meant that I tell jokes with no punch lines and have a hairy back. That’s why I shave my body hair before any sexual encounters with the ladies.

As the movie progressed, I gently rubbed her thighs and stomach. I traced her fingers with my fingertips. This is how you get women in the mood. Pick up artists refer to it as “Keno” ,Which is light touches that gradually increase to turn a woman on. It’s meant to show her that you are a sexual being and keep you out out of “The Friend Zone”.

Halfway through the movie I placed her hand on my wang. She rubbed it through my jeans. I then unleashed the fury of my wang and exposed it to the outside world. She rubbed it again. I placed my hand on her face, tilted it upward and proceeded to demonstrate my tongue fu ability. As I did this I undid the button on her jeans and positioned myself to slide them off.

I unhooked her bra and sucked on her nipples. I massaged though her panties with my fingers. I reached into my wallet for a condom and put it on. I slapped her ass and she reacted like a horse being kicked by a stirrup on a boot.

MC: Guide me in.

I always say that because I have yet to master the art of finding the vagina hole. Once inside I began to thrust my wang inside her.

MC: Do you like that girl?

Chick: Yes.

MC: Do you like that d i c k?

chick: [silent]

MC: huh?

Chick:yes.

I’ve learned that sex is more fun when you degrade the woman during the act of intercourse. I slap their ass , pull their hair and talk dirty. I am hardcore.

I positioned her on her hand and knees and attempted the doggy style position.

MC: Guide me in.

She tried and failed. I tried and failed. If I had a map, compass , or chart of the stars, then perhaps I would have succeeded. But time was of the essence. I repositioned her missionary again and pounded her like a jackhammer. I straddled her and pulled the condom off. I began to beat off with great vengeance and furious anger. She removed her glasses. She knew what was about to happen.

BOOM protein everywhere.

She opened her mouth and allowed the contents of my testicles to flow inside. She was a freak. Once my nuts were drained of all their natural resources, she began to suck me off. I lingered there, hovering above her face with my wang dangling in her mouth and rested.

Afterward, We for a while we both laid on my couch and held each other. If she was 10 years older or I was 10 years younger, I very well could have committed to her. There was chemistry….

Was it Love?
Was it fate?
or do I feel the same after I masturbate? Hmmm

Was it the act of peeling her panties off her waist?

Or was it the feeling of blasting her with my wang
right square in the face?

Will she feel the same about me when she goes back home?
or has she had so many trains ran on her that they call her “The Railroad”?/ end rap

She shipped out on the 26th day of October. I attempted to see her one last time but she claimed to be to busy planning her move. But for a moment I found something special, something sacred in her eyes. I hope to find that again.

 

But if I don’t find it in a pair of beautiful eyes,

 

I’ll continue to look in vagina.