10 Rounds With Jose Quervo

I received a message though Myspace last Tuesday from a woman in my city. She wasn’t quite my type physically so I emailed her back and asked if she could help me attain employment. She had me send her my resume ,which she forwarded to some friends of hers that run a womens shelter. Theres a counselor position she thinks ill be able to get hired for.

We made plans to meet at a local bar Ive never heard of despite it being literally 1 minute from my house. I had no plans to “Houdini” my way into her “fun sized” panties , this was a business meeting in my mind, I just needed to befriend her long enough to sign the W-2 form.

We sat on bar stools at a wobbly table.She ordered a tequila shot,I ordered water, my wang wasn’t going to be swimming near her naughty parts so there was no need for beer goggles…….a wet suit…..flippers or an oxygen tank. She had a rather large vagina as was revealed through her camel toe. I debated which was more disturbing, the camel toe or the fact that she had know problem with me blatantly staring at her crotchal region.

It was at this point that I wanted to give cliff notes on the conversation to demonstrate how hilarious and witty I am, however ,later that night,I took her up on her offer of free booze and drank several tequila shots. I was hammered. We shot a game of pool [i lost] then she said “you ready”

mchenry:sure lets go

I followed her outside.

chick: so you wanna hang out some more

mchenry: sure

I was under the assumption that she meant wed hang out again,in the future.

chick: ima go home and get some more money and then ill be back and we can drink some more.

mchenry: ohhhhh ok,Ill wait in my car

I wanted to leave but I needed a job more and have no social networking prospects. So I stayed in my car and listened to the radio. ” Womanizer ” by Britney Spears was on. I began to shuck and jive with the music. YEAH……. she is speaking of a man similar to me!!!! I RELATE TO THIS!!! The booze was warping my own sense of reality. Then played “LOSER” by beck………..I wasn’t so motivated for that tune.

I was startled by the headlights of her s.u.v. as she pulled back into the parking lot. We walked back in and sat at the counter. I drank another 2 tequila shots and had 2 coors light beers. She had the same. Then I beleive we made out for a bit after she kept telling me how hot she thought I was.

chick:I’m going to take you home and f u c k the sh it outta you

Some grimey looking Hispanic dude entered into our tounge fu contest.He began flirting with my business prospect. Not just flirting but groping and fondling. She pushed him away but he persisted.

She pushed him away again. I sat there …sipping my beer and WATCHING like I was ringside at a ufc event. I was entertained and intoxicated heavily. I had to take a leak.

mchenry: I have to use the bathroom

chick:if you leave,billy will try to hook up with me

mchenry: do you WANT to hook up with him?

chick: Don’t leave or hell hook up with me thats all I’m saying

mchenry: come with me to the bathroom

chick:no just hurry

I went and was gone for less then a minute but when I came back ,miraculously,she and billy had made up and were sharing a laugh together.

chick to billy: come on baby,come outside with me

Billy followed her outside.

When they came back ,my business prospect was in tears and saying that billy pushed her over a trash can. He said she fell. I think she fell onto his c o ck. But it didn’t matter, I was there for employment opportunities. I urged her to leave with me but she insisted on confronting billy. Then she announced

chick:I’m calling my friend ,JOSH ,the sheriff

The scuffle continued outside the bar. Another man attempted to comfort my business prospect while I Urged her to let the sheriff deal with billy. Billy advised me to retreat to my vehicle. I did exactly that. I tried to difuse the bomb, but my business prospect wouldn’t let me. I wasn’t sticking around for the explosion.

The sheriff arrived with another cop.They placed my business prospect in cuffs.

sheriff: who are you

mchenry: I’m mchenry

sheriff: your not going anywhere

Then ,out of nowhere, A meth addicted bull dike came to my rescue.

bull dyke:Come on mchenry ,I’m taking you home

sheriff: who are you?

bull dyke: IM mchenry’s friend and I’m TAKING HIM HOME

sheriff: oh ok

chick: your leaving me?????????

mchenry: yeah,[turns to dyke] lets get outta here

The dyke drove me home with her girlfriend following close behind. I was dropped off then retreated to my bedroom. I called my business prospect. She was down the street at some dudes house waiting to sober up. She wasn’t arrested , she was having an ongoing affair with the sheriff , who is a married man. She is well connected. I promised to return and pick her up but fell asleep.

I woke up to find 4 missed calls on my cell phone. She called today to apologise. I forgave her.I had to.I need a job. Gay dude called me as well but I didn’t pick up the phone. I had a hangover for the first time in nearly a decade and wasn’t up for another night of “throwing a retirement party for my liver.” Which effectively ended my pursuit of the blond chick. But there are many hot blonds in the world ,waiting for Mr. right…..Mr wrong….and the business end of my schlong.

The Revelation

August 31, 2008

PLenty of fish meeting number 12453678 [strong exaggeration]

She was 40ish ….Now when I say “ISH” ,I mean after 40 but before 50.Women always round down the number,so when they say 40, always assume they are older then they claim to be.But it doesn’t matter.Its nothing that cant be solved by using a little wd40………..KY isn’t alpha.

We were texting each other for several weeks and finally agreed to meet at a dive bar near her house.I’m a tad thinner then my avatar picture thanks to the new Hitler concentration camp diet that I’m on.It works wonders to burn off all that hard earned muscle and no fat.When you go out to paint the town red and get greeted with compliments like” wtf how’d you get so damn skinny” you feel a sense of great achievement.

I hope you sense my sarcasm ,im laying it on a little thick./end rant.

So I park my car and walk up to greet her near her S.U.V. She looked like Elvira minus all the plastic surgery.Her skin looked like curtains draped over a skeleton.Apparently she had a gastric bypass.I was secretly wishing I had bypassed this meeting and just beat off in the privacy of my bathroom but I needed the company.

The conversation though made me feel good.I hadn’t talked out loud to someone , at least not in depth ,in a while.

me:Wow look around ,its YouR people, it looks like were in a retirement home

her:lol are you calling me old

me:no,you dont even look your age ….you look much older.

her:lol

me: [straight face]

We exchanged banter throughout the night and she compared my personality and voice to Adam Corrola.Which happens quite frequently.We ordered our drinks from some skeezed out waitress with bad hair.I ordered a diet coke with vodka.She got some blue s h i t.I chugged mine down in 5 seconds and felt buzzed.She sipped hers.

Bubbles…….She didn’t like anything with bubbles.If she drank a coke,it had to be flat.According to her nutritionist ,anything with bubbles made you fat.The bubbles would blow up in your stomach and enlarge it forever.

me:your not serious

her:yes I am

me:what kind of tard voodoo medicine woman are you talking to???

her:shes a nutritionist, i pay her 75 dollars per session.

The waitress comes over to our table

me:I want another drink, give me the blue sh it shes having and whatever you laced it with….put twice as much of it in mine.

waitress: [straight face]

An Elvis impersonator walked into the bar and set up his microphone.Once he spit out the lyrics to “you ain’t nothing but a hound dog” I knew it was time to leave.We made our way to the exit and he was wrapping up the first song

Elvis: leaving already?

me:your blowing my cover
Elvis: Your a hound dog?

me:no, a horn dog but its a little too similar and if I wanna get laid tonight I need the element of surprise.

I did say this right in front of her.I didn’t care.Ive been apathetic towards everything lately and if she decided to leave then and there,it wouldn’t have bothered me.However,she thought it was funny.Adam corolla was her first celebrity crush . Mchenrycruiser was as close and she was ever gonna get to fulfilling her fantasy.As we walked out the door I passed the fat chick who gave me a bj 3 weeks earlier,she looked at me with a knowing glance but didn’t say anything.I walked with a little more quickness in my step.

We walked to the safeway across the street to get a bottle of alcohol to continue our drunken antics.I purchased a bottle of mudslide then we went back to her place.She checked her phone messages as I scoped out the place.

Here I am ,yet again…in a strange womans house with the possibility of a blow job looming in the distance.Overrated.Sex doesn’t cut it anymore……I wanna sky dive, jet ski, travel……..with a partner in crime.I want to be part of a team.Not just the lone wolf roaming the earth in search of sweet poonanny.

But still I’m apathetic, I don’t care.I reflect back to any woman Ive ever wanted and theres no feeling there.I don’t care anymore.I guess thats a good thing.I no longer hope to find my lady in red.I just beat off/end rant.

We sat on her couch with our drinks and watched tv.We talked….about our hopes, dreams,………Adam Corolla.WTF?
I rubbed my hands on her body

her:i’m on the rag

me:what rag? move it

I was drunk and not rational.

We went to her bedroom to lay down

her:Now just because we are going to my room doesn’t mean i wanna have sex with you.

me: ok……

I meant it I prefer bj’s and hand jobs, I’m lazy and lack motivation to please women sexually.We laid down and I began touching her body and suckling her nipples.I put her hand on my wang.She rubbed it.I whipped it out.She stroked it.
Then I splooged all over her bed.She gave me a shirt to clean it up with.

I fell asleep at some point.Then woke up not knowing where I was.I put my shoes on and walked to the front door.I couldn’t get it open.I panicked.She had a disabled son that lived with her ,so I thought she had some weird locking device that wouldn’t allow me to leave.But then I noticed that I simply failed to unlock the door.

I stumbled out of the house and made my way to the corner of the garage to take a leak.I couldn’t drive.I was too drunk.DAMN.I went back into the house and startled the old chick who had gotten up to see where I was.We both laid back down and I fell asleep for another hour b4 getting up to leave.

As I drove home ,I reflected back on my life.The year prior I had an emotional breakdown and was depressed ,ate ice cream everyday and wondered what the future held for me.Nothing has changed other then my mind set.I feel a tad more confidence then I had before,Like maybe I could change things.Like maybe I could create a life worth living for.But I had one thing working against me.

I didn’t give a f u c k.I then had a revelation. “Today is the greatest day of my life” but for absolutely no reason at all.

Vindicated

August 10, 2008

I’m drinking a diet pepsi vanilla soda while being heavily sedated on Paxil for my anxiety/depression.It works.I feel like a zombie.I space out sometimes but the racing thoughts are gone.I can sleep but I have no feelings.

I will however tell you of the 2 fat plenty of fish buffalo sluts I met up with a month ago.I was promised a 3way.We arranged to meet at a karaoke bar.I arrived wearing my “to women from god” tee shirt ready to become the meat in a sexual sand which, I was packing some serious pickle.

I walked into the establishment and was met with stares of WTF and raised eyebrows which showed disapproval of my attire.The average age of the crowd here was between 45-50.Im on the verge of 28 but am often mistaken for a fresh
high school grad.I sauntered up to the beast at the end of the bar.Picture norm from cheers with a wig.Sorry if that reference is a tad bit dated for you youngsters.

She greeted me with a handshake,her friend wasn’t there.Had to sleep or some such nonsense.The bartender asked for my I.d.I didn’t have my wallet.JACKPOT.I walked into this situation with no exit strategy and yet one has now presented itself to me in the eleventh hour!Hey bush….jealous?

I power walked to my vehicle with the excuse of getting my id [which I didn’t have]but my true agenda was to peel out of there without having to peel her panties off later.”hey,where ye going?” Damn.

She lit a cigarette and asked for my company.Somehow during this 5 min bitch fest ,I was persuaded into going with her to pick up her 17 year old 6″5 300 lbs son.BAD TIMES.I climbed into the passenger side of her minivan.We chatted.She lived with her sister in-law and a guy whop smoked crystal meth daily.Apparently he was at his drug dealers house,wed be making another stop to pick him up afterwards.
Both stops were made an pretty uneventfull.I said whats up top the son,he said it back.And even the drug dealer was a nice guy.He offered me some crystal meth,of course Id have to pay for it [stingy bastard] [no drug user]

Now were back at her place.I made the walk of shame ,following her into her bedroom.She turned on star wars.This didn’t exactly add any blood flow to my schlong so I requested booze.Lots of booze.So much booze that it was like throwing my liver a retirement party.She brought out 2 glasses of red wine then excused herself to go to the bathroom.Remembering a scene from “The princess bride” ,I switched the glasses.If she indeed poisoned MY glass,she would now be drinking the poison.But then I thought,what if she left because she KNEW Id switch the glasses thus giving MYSELF the poison.

Then I though f*ck it and drank them both.I was hammered officially.In my woosey state of mind I remember a bj / hand job mix taking place which felt really good as long as I avoided eye contact with the norm in a wig.I passed out and once I awakened ,checked myself for any signs of restraints or tourture devices,check…and….check.good times.I quickly made my escape while she was asleep.

I drove away ,rolled down the window and cursed the gods that watched over me refusing to uplift me from my miserable existence.Screw shyness………ya!screw depression….ya………screw chicks…..I will f&ck ya….I’ma get a good job and move out of my parents house , at least at some point this year……I hope.

The Paxil must be working, I almost feel…..vindicated.

Part 2

So I’m back at the table and “Wingman” who was advising me NOT to hit on the hot chicks directly to my left.

“There not drunk enough,give them 15 more minutes” He says.

So I avert my attention back to the Mexican chick. She was seated with 2 friends, a white girl with blond hair and another Mexican chick with big ole boobies.

The kind of boobies that could crush soda cans. And then when you take those soda cans to the recycling center, an employee remarks

” These cans have a strong scent of boobie to them,how odd, LOOK OVER THERE ,OH MY GOD”

And then he will stash them in his underpants to inspire his hand pleasure later in the evening.

I’m drunk, mind you, and I continue to get deeper into my intoxicated state.
I struck up a conversation with big boobie girl…

Mchenrycruiser: Hey your friend dropped your cherry on the ground

bigboobiegirl: Why didn’t you tell me earlier?

Mchenrycruiser: Because I was sober.

bigoleboobiegirl: Why are you telling me now?

Mchenrycruiser: Because I’m drunk.

I pull my wingman into the group and we chat it up.

Blondgirl to wingman: What does your friend do for a living?

me to wingman:I’m an E.M.T. , dude .I wink in full view of the chicks. It’s obvious I’m lying and I’m not hiding it well.

fatmexicangirl:which city do you work for?Modesto?

me:ummm yeah

bigoleboobiegirl: I have a friend that works there, do you know Dereck?

me:uhhhh yeah. That Dereck is a crazy motherfuc%er……that dereck and his crazy antics ,I tell ya what! Good guy though.

bigoleboogies:I made that up,you don’t really work there!

me:uhhhhhh I meant I’m EVENTUALLY going to be an E.M.T.

bigboobies: Liar

At this point my buzz is wearing off. Blond girl wants to go to the bathroom and asks who wants to go with her. I volunteer…DENIED, She wants one of the girls to go with her.

BAD SIGN
when this happens it means that she is looking for a way out and wants to inform her friends of the exit strategy.

Conversation is dragging , big boobie girl and blond girl are clearly not interested. Fat Mexican is down to get pounded like a jack hammer, of course, I doubt she’d feel that way sober.

The other 2 were stone cold sober. Their complaining of being hungry and I just convince them to go so we can part ways. They leave,wingman wants to leave as well….

We drove back at his apartment accompanied by no chicks,just him,me and his dog,eating crackers on the love seat.

I stayed there till I sobered up and then drove home.I laid down, overwhelmed by emotions of guilt and shame ,then buried my face in my pillow.

My PIcking Up Chicks Blog!

Feb 2, 2008

I constructed an ad on Craigslist to find a wingman,An expert,a pro, a seasoned veteran in the game of scoring sweet sweet poonanny and my request was answered from the man above….

Not Jesus. It was the man above appt 132. He was a 30 year old shy dude with limited social ability.

I studied for this night like I was taking the S.A.T.’S.Like I was Mike Ditka reviewing game footage for the next days Superbowl………..it was SHOW TIME.

I reread “the game”. I watched every episode of “The pickup artist” and “keys to the V.I.P.”…….NEGS, DEMONSTRATION OF HIGHER VALUE, CAT STRING THEORY,PIVOTING,PEACOCKNING……………….In my intoxicated state,I neglected to do any of these things….more on this later.
I climbed into my new wing mans truck.It set high in the air on big monster truck tires. It was…..ALPHA.We passed to 5 dollar hookers on the way to the bar. “Not tonight my new friend”………I said attempting to project confidence and positivity….ya know….everything I learned from “The Secret” .”This time,I get laid for free”

We walk into the bar.I have zero experience hitting on chicks in a bar environment. The last time I went to a bar,it was a gay bar and I went with 2 str8 chicks I met off a party line a half hour before. And I only got hit on by 1 dude and he wasn’t even hot.Not that I’m gay. Is a guy blowing you gay? never mind.

We set at a table and scoped out the place.There were plenty of chicks in groups with no dudes.I was scared.I convinced my wing man to buy me a rum and coke to loosen up.I drank it down,I was buzzed. I’m a lightweight.

PICK UP ATTEMPT #!
I walk up to the bar for another rum and coke. There’s a Mexican chick talking to the bartender. She wants to order a drink and for some reason said that she wanted it “blue”

Mchenrycruiser:HEY CHICK
her:YES?

Mchenrycruiser:Don’t worry ,I’m not gonna hit on you.

her: thank you[giggles]

Mchenrycruiser: I just thought you should know cuz you had a look of concern on your face like maybe you thought I might hit on you,but I assure you that I wont.

her:I dont have a look of concern {laughs}
Mchenrycruiser: hey i Just thought of the most inappropriate joke, when you said you wanted something blue but Im not gonna say it.

her: good [giggles] shes ordering drinks for her friends,one has a cherry in it that she dropped on the ground then put back in the drink and told me not to tell.

Mchenrycruiser:I wont ,I swear…..I don’t even know your friends.

She goes back to her friends seated directly behind where the wingman and I were sitting.

Part 2 next.