The personification of cool

One arm at a time, I slid into the sleeves of my black leather jacket. I felt rebellious , like James Dean in “A Rebel Without A Cause”. The difference however , wasn’t hard to distinguish. McHenry Cruiser always has a cause.

A CAUSE and an Effect. Each time my eyeballs identify the image of a hot babe, the blood in my body redirects itself to my WANG, fills it up like a gas tank, then LOOK OUT, it becomes a lethal weapon illegal in 51 states. That extra state, is the state of confusion. That is the look women give when first glancing at the beast that dwells in my underpants.

If I could, I would knit a miniature black leather jacket for my wang. I’d consider making it a trench coat so my balls didn’t feel left out.

Black leather jackets are cool, Thats never been disputed by anybody. The Fonz knew it. He never left the house without it snuggled firmly against his muscular physique. And HIS prime was in the fifties. Black leather jackets are timeless.

Like Baseball.

As strike in Baseball is bad. In Bowling , it’s good. Thats confusing sh it. You know what isn’t? A hole in one. Thats universal. And I planned on scoring a hole in one by boning a chick I was set to meet courtesy of the plenty off fish dating website.

I sat behind the helm of the ship… ok, thats a metaphor. I was driving my Toyota Corolla. But I like to feel important. And then I made the 45 mile journey to the home of a 28 year old police department dispatcher. She was 5″1. I don’t like short women. They make me feel too manly. Like The Fonz. The line between myself and The Fonz stops at the jacket.

You know what doesn’t stop? My Wang. Nobody can derail the Wang Train.

I greeted the chick with a hug then followed her inside where I took a seat on her couch and cursed myself for making the trip. But that verbal exchange took place inside my own head.

She had 3 kids. I know this fact because they were displayed on her wall in a frame. They were facially challenged, Just like their mother. But my wang doesn’t discriminate. It doesn’t enter a vagina based on color ,race or creed. My wang is a rebel , Like James Dean. If James Dean had testicles.

But he doesn’t. Because I watched a biography on A&E about him. In it, they claimed that he sat at a bar across the street from the wedding of an ex girlfriend of his and cried like a b i t c h.

The dispatcher chick and I decided to go get some grub at Taco Bell. She paid, I didn’t dispute her offer of free burritos. Such an offer wouldn’t be disputed by anybody.

Except James Dean because hes a bitch.

The fast food was purchased and returned with us back to her place. We sat at the dining room table where she showed cell phone pictures of her f u c k buddy. He was ripped and handsome in a manly sort of way. Like The Fonz If The Doc was willing to loan me the DeLorian so that I could travel back to fifty years ago when he was good looking and relevant.

The dude was a married cop and she convinced herself that they were “Best Friends” Which only proves my theory that all women regardless of race, color and creed are retarded. And of course theres always the epic response of :

“Just because YOU are a pervert doesn’t mean that ALL guys are perverts”

But they are wrong. All of us ARE perverts. We just come in different packages. Like Coke and Pepsi. They look different on the outside but they both have the exact same ingredients.

Dispatcher: No, its not like that. We are BEST FRIENDS!

Mchenry: Its BEST FRIENDS to you. To him, its 5 minutes in the patrol car at lunch time. Get a clue. She didn’t take my advice.

Dispatcher: What is that accent you have?

Mchenry: You think I sound gay don’t you?

Dispatcher: A little bit.

Mchenry: Yeah, 60 % of women I meet think I’m gay. I just like to lower their guard with my homo personality then WHAMMY , they get knocked up.

Dispatcher: Its probably more than 60%. The others are just being nice.

Mchenry: Really? Is it just the voice? Or do I look homo as well? or perhaps, do I use gay posture?

Dispatcher: Its just the voice. You actually look like you just got out of the military.

Mchenry: I get that a lot. When I first meet someone they think that. Then I speak. And they are like ” Oh you WERE in the military but then got kicked out for hitting on the drill sargent am I right? It was don’t ask , don’t tell….and you told? But no , I’m not into dudes. Except your cop friend. I’d bend over for him.

Dispatcher: You are funny.

Mchenry: I know. I should be making money off this entertainment. It depresses me that I’m giving it away to you for free. Dispatcher: Wanna watch a movie?

Mchenry: Yes

We settled on the movie “Role Models” I didn’t care that I had already watched it days before. I didn’t plan on paying attention to it. Neither did my Wang. We laid down on the couch and cuddled as the flick began. I began to fondle her legs. But each time I attempted to place a hand on her vagina, she slapped it away.

Dispatcher: No I’m trying to be good.

Mchenry: Be bad, be a rebel.

I took her hand on placed it on my Wang. She stroked it briefly. I unbuckled my belt ,unzipped my pants then unleashed the fury of my wang. She stroked it, briefly.

Dispatcher: I’m not gonna play with your d i c k.

I placed my hand on her chin and allowed my tongue to invade her mouth. She put fourth no resistance. But soon I grew bored. This encounter was not going to move past the beginning stages. Which would have been fine had I been attracted to her. But I wasn’t.

If only she had worn a black leather jacket……… She excused herself to use the restroom. While she was away , I prepared for my grand exit from the home. I Made sure I had my cell phone, wallet, and car keys. It would be the last time I set foot in this home and I didn’t want to leave evidence of my stay.

Unless it was DNA evidence in the form of my Splooge. She walked back into the living room.

Mchenry: How do I get back to the freeway?

Dispatcher: Well I’ll show you, follow me.

She drove with me following behind until the freeway was in site. I didn’t wave as we parted ways. I text.

” You’ll always get hot dudes to f u c k you but they’ll never date you because you are not good enough. Sorry pig. Have a nice day.”

I felt a nice temporary high as I drove home. Heavy gals should not have high self esteem. Because its all built on a lie. And in that instance I fel like the Simon Cowell of relationship advice. Which is cool because he wears black.