Fun With Foriegners

I conversed over the phone with a 43 year old woman from pof. Due to my unemployment, not only have I scraped the bottom of the barrel for some dating excitement, Ive rented a jack hammer and managed to unearth a few more feet. Disgusting feet, With yellow toe nails and callouses. Where I am going with this?

Plentyoffish.com has a lotta ugly chicks,thats what I mean. These aren’t the type of fish that you put on display in a tank, in you living room. This is the kind of fish you catch in a net,chop into slivers and feed to your cat. But I’m bored and so I date women for sport. My weapon of choice, a wang. I stick my wang in things.

SO I was talking to this chick and things were going ok until I received a pic of her via text. She looked like a Pocahontas,the Indian princess……..if Pocahontas was fat with f u c k e d up teeth and not very attractive.

In other words,she looked nothing like paocahontas the Indian princess. Sorry, I should have clarified that earlier. I let loose when I talk to fat chicks. I test out all my new material on fat chicks to see how it goes over. I don’t care if I offend them.Its like a comedian that tries out new material in s h i t t y comedy clubs before sharing it with the world on The Tonight Show. In other words, fat chicks are my s h i t t y comedy club.

mchenry: have you ever burried your face,ears deep ,in a man’s a$$hole?

indiangirl:OMG you r a pig

mchenry: did you know pigs have 30 minute orgasms?

indiangirl:no And I don’t care

mchenry:I knew that ,but you know who does?Jessica Simpson

indiangirl:I dont care about celebrities!

mchenry:I figured that but you know who does?TMZ! and they’ll soon be reporting the Jessica Simpson’s orgasms will be extended by 29 minutes and 45 seconds.

Because she got fat.

indiangirl:WTF are you talking about

mchenry: IM just talkin bout SHAFT!

CLICK.

She hung up. But I didn’t care. You know how when your paying for eggs at the store and they cost 2.99 , so you give them 3 one dollar bills, and they give you back a penny? But instead of putting the penny in your wallet, you throw it on the ground. I care more about THAT penny then I do fat chicks.

I don’t think fat chicks throw pennies though. I think they care about the environment. This one in particular recycles. I know this because instead of deleting my number like any rational human being would, she gave it to her friend.

Hmm I sure have some s h i t t y segways in this story.

SO the friend calls me and she’s Hindu which I thought meant black at the time. Turns out though,that its the fiji islands or some s h i t that shes from. So we talk and she had a funny accent that I didn’t like. A chick with a funny accent might as well be a fat chick.

mchenry: Send me a nude photo of yourself,I’m horny

hindugirl: OMG your a perv

mchenry: i don’t apologise for being a sexual being. Photos,send them,now

She didn’t send the nudes I requested but did in fact send a photo. She was fat. DOUBLE WHAMMY.Fat chick + funny accent= Jessica Simpson and I’d hit that.Refer to paragraph # 2. “I stick my wang in things”

SO I kept hounding her to meet me. If she declined,Id hang up on her. When I did that,shed call me back or text me. And this went on for a period of 3 days. But I finally got her to agree to meet me in the parking lot of Mcdonalds. But she didn’t come alone. She brought the Indian friend.

As I approached them ,the Hindu greeted me with a heartfelt compliment…

hindugirl: you look weird

mchenry:ummm is that bad?

hindu girl:i dunno, I mean ,you just look different

mchenry: in a bad way or a good way?

hindu girl: I dunno

I half thought about turning around and making a mad dash for my car but instead pressed on.We walked inside where the Indian friend placed an order. The Hindu walked over to sit at a booth near the back entrance.I followed behind. She was 5″1 slightly fat with horrible skin. She looked like Seal,the singer not the animal. She walked like the Penguin. The animal, not the villain in Batman. Although The villain in Batman DID in fact , walk like the animal, so please disregard my earlier observation.

She sat down. I sat beside her. I caught her starring at my crotch.

“She must WANT IT”i thought. She looked nervous, or scared, or disgusted. I wasn”t sure which.

mchenry: are you nervous

hindugirl:a little

mchenry:do you want me to leave

hindugirl:no its ok

mchenry:then what is it?

hindugirl: nothing

mchenry: you don”t like the way I look?

hindugirl:its not that. wheres my friend?

She kept peeking around the corner to see if her friend was coming to save the day. I couldn’t believe she felt the NEED to be saved. I should have been swept off my feet in this Beauty and The Beast scenario. Instead ,I was made aware from the start that I was the elephant in the room. How ironic.

The friend returned and talked about the guys she met on pof. Rather, the guys she spoke on the phone too. as she rambled I thought

“Well, I”m here,shes here. I may as well try to cop a feel. She is fat,so who cares what happens. Shes my s h i t t y comedy club.”

I placed my hand on her upper thigh. She pushed it away.

hindugirl: DON”T TOUCH ME!

mchenry:lol what?

I tried again.

DON’T TOUCH ME.I don’t like to be touched.

mchenry:fine Ill touch your friend instead.

I got up and attempted to sit by the friend but she scooted to the edge of the seat to prevent it. DON’T TOUCH ME. I was getting it from both sides now.I sat back down by the Hindu. My mind began to wonder. I looked at the Indian friend who made eye contact with the Hindu,giving a “look” as if it were some sort of non verbal apology. I looked at the Hindu ,who stared at the wall with a look of “help me” on her face. I couldn’t belive she felt the NEED to be helped.

I leaned over ,on the edge of my seat and on the balls of my feet [unintentional rhyme]

mchenry: I gotta go see ya later

I said that as I made a mad dash out the back entrance. They probably caught only half of my fair well greeting. I ran to my car and peeled out of the parking lot and a bad situation. I received a text

hindugirl: see you suck

and another

hindugirl: don’t ever call me again

mchenry: I wasn’t going to lol

hindugirl: you look like a f a g you should be meeting guys not girls

mchenry: you look fat and ugly

hindugirl: i like the way I look

mchenry:f u c k off Osama

Considering the source, It didn’t hurt my self esteem any. I went to the gym across the street where I was complimented by the hottie at the front desk.

hottie:I like your shirt

mchenry:thanks cuz someone just swore that I was gay for wearing this

hottie:no i like it,its not boring like most of the shirts guys wear

mchenry: thanks now the odds are 50-50 that I’m straight. Hope I get more compliments on it so the odds go up.
It was a yellow ,beaded Lion Shirt.